Death-Defying Love

Early last week, I (Brett) lost my oldest sister, Debbie, to brain cancer. Debbie (pictured here as a young adult) was a wonderfully sweet and godly person. She had fought her life battle with cancer for at least three years and finally died peacefully on a Sunday morning. The good news is that she never really suffered at all during those years. In fact, amazingly, she didn't even struggle much in her final hours. To say the least, God gave her a merciful gift of peace and general comfort during her illness. The best news of all is that she couldn't wait to be with Jesus in Heaven. I've never been more confident of where someone is spending eternity. Moreover, I look forward to a glorious reunion with her one day.

Meanwhile, back here on earth, the rest of us were obviously impacted by our loss. Debbie was the oldest of six Hurst kids (three girls and three boys, in that order). We had so many great memories as a relatively large family. Each of us kids had our own unique and tender moments through the years with Debbie.

Although I had experienced God's gentle peace myself the Sunday morning she died, by about Tuesday I could tell that I was indeed being impacted, even physiologically, by just the mere physical loss of a sibling. The stark reality settled in a bit. All of a sudden, we were down to five siblings in my clan. Although I am no stranger to death by cancer (I lost my mom many years ago), it never ceases to amaze me how powerful the impact of internal grieving can be.

As we were preparing all week for a beautiful pair of services that were held last Friday, my wife and I began to notice that we were not hitting on all cylinders in our own marriage relationship. For no apparent reason, we were unusually short with each other. Furthermore, we were not connecting well emotionally in our usual intuitive manner. In fact, we felt really disconnected from each other. Somehow, I quickly got the insight that this phenomenon of relational misfiring was related to Debbie's death and our mutual loss. After all, we had both been close to Debbie. Once Kellie and I discussed this theory, we immediately began giving each other more grace and understanding in our own relationship. Things between us gradually improved through the rest of the week. By Friday, we were emotionally prepared for a lovely homegoing celebration with many loving relatives and supportive friends.

It's strange how losing someone close to you can temporarily affect your ability to function in everyday affairs. As an example, my two surviving sisters both shared with me last Friday that they had been quite fuzzy in their thinking all week as well. A general disorientation was something that seemed to be common between all of the survivors.

I guess my insight here is to just understand that, during these impactful life moments, give your spouse and family members extra grace and patience. Also, realize that when you are one in marriage, losing an "in-law" is just the same as losing your own family member. My wife rediscovered that fact last week. After all, when a person gets married, they marry into another family. Those "additional family members" become part of the fabric of your life. They can easily take position in your personal mosaic as additional parents, siblings, cousins, etc.

Sensitivity is so important. I'm grateful for an understanding wife that can help me honestly process some of the hardest yet most normal experiences of life....even death. Together, we have the capacity to share these kinds of moments in loss. With a whole lot of communication, patience and understanding, doing this together makes the ride a little less painful.

Spicy Incompatibility

When Billy Graham was asked what was the secret of his more than 60-year marriage to the late Ruth Bell Graham his response was often, "Ruth and I are happily incompatible." Ruth, who passed away last June, was a strong, fiery and witty complement to the more diplomatic Billy and they certainly had their disagreements. But they had a satisfying and committed marriage in spite of their different personality styles.

David Neff, editor of Christianity Today, tells of a column titled "Needed: Incompatibility" that Ruth wrote September 18, 1981 for that magazine. In the column, Mrs. Graham made it clear that incompatibility was needed in every marriage and was hardly a reason for divorce. She added that "every man needs to be disagreed with occasionally." Her opinion was without a disagreement here and there a man's personality, ego and even his judgment will suffer.

In that same column, she inserted a funny story. She told about having lunch with several friends while their husbands played golf. One "older companion" shared her secret to a happy marriage: "We never do anything together," the woman said, "except sleep together", she added with an uncontrollable laugh.

When the husbands rejoined the wives after their game, Mrs. Graham couldn't help noticing the obvious affection the other woman's husband displayed publically. "Three cheers for incompatibility!" she trumpeted in conclusion.

Don't be discouraged by differences with your spouse. On the contrary, learn to embrace and celebrate those differences. Some of the most happily married people I know don't agree on a whole host of issues. Incompatibility can actually be the spice of life. Turn toward each other and enjoy the extra kick (no pun intended)!

A Change Is Gonna Come

Have you ever seen a badger? Have you ever been a badger? Do you pick on your spouse frequently? Do you badger your mate with slight criticisms to try to get him or her to do things the way you think they should be done--to try to get them to change? Even though that approach may seem to be logical and effective, you might want to rethink that strategy.

I recently heard noted relationships expert Gary Smalley speak at a conference. Gary wrote the bestseller The DNA of Relationships, among many other popular titles. He is a very entertaining presenter with a disarming sense of humor. I've seen him speak countless times. And every time I hear him, he surprises me with some kind of powerful insight.

Smalley says that it is common for married persons to, over time, begin to pick on their spouses to try to change them. He goes on to say that trying to purposely change someone you love is the exact worst thing you can do. The fact of the matter is that you cannot change another person! Moreover, he adds, it's not our job to be someone else's "Holy Spirit". After all, God does not need our assistance in the area of transformational change. Not even a little bit.

All we can do in this life is take responsibility for ourselves. Doing that is much more productive for relational change than finger pointing. Finger pointing causes disconnect with the one you love. Furthermore, it creates an unsafe place for your relationship. This unsafe environment will generally lead ultimately to more distrust, less intimacy, and a marriage that will become harder to manage.

So try moving in the other direction. Encourage one another. Ask for forgiveness often. Think before you speak. Give advice less. Pray more. Trust God. And eventually, you will see powerful changes in yourself. And maybe even the one you love.

For more on Gary Smalley and his insights, go to the website of The Smalley Relationship Center.

Marriage Mentoring

We are excited to be involved in the training of about 35-40 couples who over the next few weeks will become marriage mentors. This is good news for many couples in our region. These newly-trained mentors will be serving other married couples in the Houston area. Marriage mentoring is an exciting venture and we believe it is an important wave gaining momentum in our country. Marriage mentors are couples that are excited about helping other couples develop stronger marriages through relational encouragement. Many young couples, in particular, are hungering for help in learning what it takes to have a long-lasting and successful married relationship. With the help of an equipped marriage mentor couple, newlyweds, veteran married couples, and hurting marriages can all get vital support that will help their most important relationships improve significantly.

Marriage mentors don't have perfect relationships--quite the contrary. Instead, these mentor couples are simply committed couples that have learned how to work through some of life's more difficult issues themselves, and then, consequently, they have found a deeper and more satisfying marriage in their own lives. In most cases, these mentors have become part of a friendship-based ministry that has some method of connecting those more experienced couples with younger couples. Through an informal and comfortable approach, and with the assistance of leadership, these connectional relationships do a whole lot of good toward improving the quality of many marriages.


If you are a couple that lives in the Greater Houston area, and would like to connect and benefit from a relationship with a mentor couple or if you are interested in learning more about becoming a marriage mentor couple yourselves, please contact us at thehursts@homeencouragement.org. There are many exciting opportunities for marriage mentoring opening up in the Houston area. For more general information about marriage mentoring, the website of Real Relationships is one of several good starting points.

The First Twenty

A couple of days ago, Kellie and I celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary. The night of that milestone anniversary, after many commitments that day, we managed to sneak off to our favorite little Italian restaurant around the corner from our house and had a very nice, quiet dinner together. Great food, great company. Actually, it was the perfect evening for an otherwise typically busy family weekday.

Twenty years of marriage. For us, it's hard to believe. Honestly, it seems like just yesterday that we had that beautiful ceremony in her parents' backyard by their brand new pool. I'll never forget that night. Wow, we were just kids. Well, at least Kellie was! And now, twenty years later, we have two wonderful teenagers, a semi-trustworthy dog, and we both look forward to what the next twenty years of marriage will bring. We hope to grow even closer together, we wonder what our kids will be like when they're all grown up with their own families (no hurry on that), and we look forward to grandchildren in the future (again, plenty of time on that). Meanwhile, over the next twenty years, Kellie and I believe we will be more invested in other marriages than we ever have been before....and we look forward to that, too. Serving marriages always does so much for our own relationship and it's a real joy.

Anyway, to further celebrate our twentieth, Kellie and I are going to enjoy another one of our overnight stays at a nice hotel in downtown Houston. You may recall that we try to do this at least four times a year (thanks to http://www.priceline.com/). But since I also happen to be officiating a wedding downtown this weekend of some precious new friends of ours, Kellie and I decided to just go ahead and enjoy the entire weekend in the heart of our hometown. Why not? After all, Houston really does have much to offer after the summer heat dies down. We're anticipating a fun time together.

I don't know what I did to get such a wonderful wife in Kellie. I certainly didn't deserve her--not by any stretch of the imagination. But, for some reason, because of His great mercy, God loves me--a whole lot! And He knew a long time ago just what I needed in a life mate--and so He brought me Kellie. Honestly, over the years, there have been one or two times that I have forgotten what a diamond she is. But usually it doesn't take long for me to be reminded of how very excellent life is with her. I couldn't be happier. I only hope to be worthy of her love for another twenty years. I suppose it will take twenty more years of a whole lot of prayer to try to get me that way!

Football Tips for Married Men

I love football season. Hmmmm......perhaps I should say it like this: I LOVE FOOTBALL SEASON!! Ever since I was an elementary school kid, pretending to be a sportswriter and turning out a weekly report complete with predictions of game outcomes, football season has been a big part of my life. Big surprise for a guy, huh? Loving football certainly doesn't make me unique as an American male. In fact, particularly in the month of September, most guys find they have to express this affection for this violent sport somehow, somewhere, in some kind of a public forum.

Tonight, my 8th grade son, who plays football himself, and I will be making another quick trek to Austin to see the Horns play Rice. It should be interesting. My nephew, Scott Solomon, is a starting defensive end for Rice....as a freshman! So we'll be a little bit torn watching that game. Basically, I just don't want Scott to hurt Colt McCoy when he sacks him a couple of times.

Tomorrow, after church, it's Texans vs. Colts in the afternoon and then the Cowboys and Bears at night. Monday night, it's Vince Young vs. the Saints. I'm salivating even as I type these words! What a weekend.

Fortunately, my wife of twenty years has grown to love both football and baseball quite a bit (probably because her son plays both sports now). In fact, Kellie often puts the game on TV before I do! Wow, what a gal! How did this metamorphosis take place? I honestly don't know. I just count my blessings. So, as you can see, we don't have a lot of the contentious issues that we did early in our marriage related to my sports obsessions.

Be that as it may, I still feel compelled to give men a few tips when it comes to football season and your wife:

1. Don't give her a pair of season tickets to your favorite team for your anniversary....unless she asks for that.

2. Listen to her often....not only during commerical breaks.

3. Notice her new shoes before game time....even if you're not a shoes guy.

4. Don't say, "I'm trying to hear the lineups" when she asks you what's on your mind.

5. Don't ask her if she can make a quick trip to the store during halftime because you're dreadfully low on snacks.

6. Notice her new nails before halftime....even if you're not a nails guy.

7. If her birthday falls on the same day as the big bowl game, don't complain about having to spend time celebrating together. TiVo, my friend. TiVo.

8. Don't say, "No, not really" when she asks you if you want to talk.

9. Notice her new haircut before the game's over. But make sure she's indeed had one.

10. When the game's over, don't complain about being tired.

This is an abridged list of hard-learned lessons from a guy who has been there. I'd love to hear about any other helpful tips.

Football is so beautiful. But, guys, do what you can to make your wives feel special during this wonderful time of the year. If you do, you may find yourself allowed to watch even the bowl games that start in mid-December. If you don't, you may ultimately find yourself watching more games than you ever wanted to. Not good.

Don't Get Caught In The Web

The Internet brings the average family so many countless advantages....or does it? According to a recent American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) newsletter article by Dr. Mark R. Laaser, author of Healing Wounds of Sexual Addiction, pornography accounts for 7% of the 3.3 billion Web pages indexed by Google. That's a phenomenal statistic with tremendous repercussions for our nation. As a pastor who deals constantly with families, I (Brett) am convinced that sexual addictions are one the most destructive forces that can come against marriages. Moreover, Internet pornography is producing the fastest growing forms of sexual addiction.

What are the consequences of chronic exposure to illicit Internet images? Dr. Al Cooper finds that men that frequently look at pornography:

1. Develop unrealistic expectations of women's appearance and sexual behavior.
2. Have difficulty forming and sustaining relationships.
3. Have trouble feeling sexually satisfied.

Kellie and I are parents of teenagers. As parents, we have prayed throughout the years that our children would get "caught" early in any kind destructive patterns that would harm them (yes, we want them to get caught--and they have)! Even though they have not always appreciated that at first, it actually has turned out to be a blessing to them. After all, in the long run, getting exposed early in the early stage has allowed our kids to not to have to deal with the greater consequences further down the road of perdition, if you will.

In that same way, this kind of prayer might not be a bad prayer to be praying for your spouse, as well! But even getting "caught" early in this game can bring problems. Because sexual addiction is no game. It is like playing with wildfire--and produces so many negative responses. After learning of their husband's behavior, many wives understandably feel betrayed. Inevitably, their ability to trust their spouse often diminishes. Anger and depression can follow. Consequently, marital conflict has the potential to increase significantly as a result--frequently without resolution.

Other manifestations of this dangerous trap can be sexual anorexia, excessive plastic surgery in an attempt to then attain the "perfect" body, as well as the addicted person mindlessly being tethered to their computers, robbing families of fathers--or even mothers! It should be also noted here that women and men having illicit sexual conversations in chat rooms can be considered a comparable addiction. All of this type of behavior can result in extramarital affairs, which can be a superhighway to separation and divorce.

Solutions to this very serious problem?

-Have people in your life that will keep you accountable--people that are, honestly, not impressed with you, so to speak, but rather friends that love you enough to ask you the hard questions and pray for you.

-Put an effective filter system on your computer systems at home and work. In our view, it is too easy to be exposed to destructive and addictive images to take this lightly. The same is true for your children. BSafe Online is one of several good companies that make good products that will help your family.

-If you are struggling with this issue (and many are) get help immediately by talking to a pastor, professional counselor, or specialist.

-Another consideration is an excellent website that has extensive help available: Pure Intimacy. It has a tremendous amount of resources available related help for this issue.

-Finally, pray for the strength to be obedient to God's plan for your life. He loves you greatly, He loves your family as well, and He most definitely does not want you to be trapped or destroyed by any addictive behavior. And He will always give you a way out of the temptations in your life (I Corinthians 10:13).

The Internet can be a huge blessing of resources to families. Don't allow it to be something that will destroy yours.

Best Friends With Benefits

In today's rapidly changing culture, marriage is often scoffed at as an impractical and unnecessary relationship. But according to several sources (listed at the end of this post), marriage has some pretty impressive incentives that don't get acknowledged too often.

Did you know that married people overall reportedly live longer than unmarried people? Mortality rates for unmarried women are 50% higher than comparable married women, and the death rate is 250% higher for unmarried men. Moreover, in that regard, being an unmarried man is more dangerous statistically than heart disease. Where heart disease reduces the average man's life span by six years, being single does so by ten years.

A satisfying marriage (which obviously takes far more work and effort than an unsatisfying one) is even more beneficial. And the greater the fulfillment of the marriage, the healthier the couple. The more tension and unresolved issues of conflict, the more susceptible the couple will be to colds, flus, and other diseases. By the way, married couples also report the highest levels of happiness and well-being, as opposed to their cohabitating counterparts. I'm merely giving you the stats, folks.

It gets better. Married couples have more sex and report higher levels of satisfaction than do single people. All you have to do is read the diaries of certain promiscuous celebrities to be convinced of that reality. To say the least, that lifestyle is not as glamorous or fulfilling as it seems. And, marital sexual satisfaction just increases with greater general marital satisfaction. In marriage, sexual fidelity is higher, emotional commitment is higher, and mutual trust is higher.

Finally, if you want a higher net worth, get or stay married. The median income of the American married couple in 1997 was $47,000. For single men, it was $26,000. For single women, just under $16,000. And couples that stay married longer statistically retain more and more of their money the longer they are married. There's evidently a financial synergy that can often occur in marriage. It just takes two people the effort of heading in the same direction.

Now please don't misunderstand. God has a great plan for every person who loves Him. And, frankly, not every person in this world is called to be married. But judging by the facts just mentioned, it's more than obvious that marriage can produce some very special blessings. And I'm a little weary of marriage not being celebrated for all the benefits that it can so often produce.

Ironically, one of the greatest blessings of marriage is how much it can teach you about moving away from a self-centered life. A satisfying marriage is worth all the effort that it takes. By asking for divine help and by working together through difficult times, there are evidently so many rewards that can come to those who persevere. I pray that if you're in a struggling marriage, that God will show you some of those fringe benefits.

Sources: David Larson, the National Institute for Healthcare Research, the University of Chicago National Sex Survey, The Case for Marriage by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, and an article by Tim Clinton in the Journal of Psychology and Theology (Fall 2003).

Honestly, Honesty is The Best Policy

Every year for the past four years or so, I (Brett) have participated in leadership for a particular spiritual weekend called Journey To Damascus. It's a beautiful ecumenical experience--close in format to Walk To Emmaus and Cursillo and other similar movements--and it's a great opportunity for personal reflection on so many levels.....and so worth the investment. I benefit myself so much from it. Re-connecting with God on a deeper level and at a slower pace is something that always comes at the right time for me. Moreover, the loving Catholic community of Texans (and naturalized Texans) involved behind the scenes of Journey To Damascus is one of the most amazingly dedicated groups of people I have ever served with.....and so much fun! I get to laugh a lot with some great friends and that's always high on my list of healing remedies for personal stress.

Besides the personal renewal, one of the things I enjoy most about these weekends is getting to interact with so many new folks from all different kinds of backgrounds--people that are carrying as many different kinds of burdens as there are colors in the rainbow. In the course of many heartfelt conversations over a weekend, I am particularly reminded how many marriages are not what they seem to be on the outside. More specifically, as has been said here many times, it's important to speak the truth in love--that marriage can be tough--one of the greatest challenges of your life! The hard work required is what makes an intimate love relationship so potentially rewarding and fulfilling.

This year, my main marriage takeaway from JTD is how important honesty is in your most important relationship. Transparent communication is the lifeblood of a growing marriage. Men, for many reasons, often struggle with being completely upfront about details of their personal lives....in the areas of their business, career, personal time, temptations, and, yes even struggles with addiction. But many women do as well. It's hard for many of us to admit weakness. But we all need accountability--not for the purpose of having someone breathe down our necks, but rather so we can always be free to put our best foot forward. Honest accountability and comfort from others protects a person from going down destructive paths.

Granted, it's vital for men to have transparent relationships with other men. Likewise, women need emotional intimacy with other women. But, in my view, if you're married, your spouse should be your most important sounding board, if that's possible. Are you honest with your spouse about your business dealings? About your other personal relationships? About the struggles you are facing in your life? What about stress, emotional pain and your personal health? Is it possible you are moving down the road with some kind of lethal addiction....one that has the potential to destroy not only you, but, in many ways, your family and others? Let's face it, some addictions have the power to wreck everything and everyone in their path.

Honest community is a godsend. It helps take the pressure off of so many ridiculous expectations that we can internalize--those pressures to have everything perfectly working in our lives at all times. An honest marriage can give you even more advantages. Take a risk with that kind of vulnerability with the one you love. If you are struggling with something deep inside (and most of us are), tell your spouse. If, for some reason, you are hesitant to do that, then get some counsel from a pastor, friend, or professional and begin there. Finally, confess those things you're carrying to God. He is more than able to handle your burden. You'll be surprised at the emotional relief He can give you so quickly. Through heartfelt prayer, the Lord will guide you to the right solution....no matter the problem.

Don't carry impossible burdens any longer by yourself. Frankly, your mind and body are not equipped to carry those loads alone. Life is too short to waste trying to be perfect with some secret plan to get everything back on track. Everyone needs a family (and a spiritual family) for a safe place to be honest about our weaknesses. And just remember, that in our weakest moments, God is our strength!

What's Next?

A recently released poll from the Pew Research Center revealed the following facts about so-called Generation Next. Here are some things that they found in that survey:

- When asked about wanting to someday get married, only 57% of that generation said yes.

- Only 3% looked at a family member as their role model.

- When asked about their primary goal in life, 81% said more than anything they wanted to be rich.

- One in five had no religious affiliation or claimed to be an atheist or an agnostic--this is double what it was in the 1980's! Sociologically speaking, that is a tremendous shift overnight.

However, none of those findings should be too shocking to us. In fact, I think that the neglect of the Boomer Generation (of which, I admit, I am barely a member) towards marriage intentionality has caused succeeding generations to have lower views of marriage, family, moral values and even how our children view God Himself. And it only makes sense. Several Old Testament and New Testament scriptures tell us that parents are responsible for the physical, emotional and spiritual well-being of our children.

The apostle Paul commands children to honor their parents "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on earth." But as Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council in Washington, D.C. says, parents make it difficult for their children to honor them when they themselves don't honor their marriage vows. And who can blame the kids? After all, they're not the adults in this discussion. In most cases, they are just going to carry on the family tradition that they've learned....whatever it is.

But I'm not just talking about the possibilities of divorce and the legacy that it can leave. I'll save that for another post. I'm really referring to still-married couples, even couples that are merely complacent in their current status quo regarding their marriage--which is a fairly large group of folks, I'm convinced. Let me just say that it's so easy for all of us to get distracted from the things that really matter in life. We've all been there. But passivity in marriage is a serious situation. Distractions of life can so quickly lead to emotional neglect.

It's important to be intentional in marriage. It's simply being purposeful about what can and should be the most important human relationship on earth--at least for married couples. So, ask yourself if you are giving your marriage your best attention. If not, what can you do about it? As we have stated here many times: Marriage takes work. Marriage takes prayer. Marriage takes quality and quantity time. Intentional choices. It takes making marriage your top priority.....and trusting and listening to God for direction. Don't miss out on what matters most. A focus on a giving marriage is so very worth the investment. Without a doubt, the dividends pay off for generations to come. The statistics certainly tell us so.

I know that we all struggle sometimes. There is absolutely no shame in that. Moreover, we all do things that disappoint ourselves later. I know that I have. Fortunately, we have this unfathomable gift from heaven called forgiveness. What a concept it is--honestly! Every time you awake to a new day, you have a new opportunity to start over with your decisions for that particular day. It's such a great relief. Therefore, we just want to encourage all married couples, no matter their lot in life, to, from this day forward, do all they can to re-center and re-focus their personal priorities on growing in their faith, serving each other in marriage, and investing their hearts in their families.

Whew....sorry to get on kind of a soapbox on this one. I just get carried away every now and then. Please forgive my ranting. Have a nice day.

Bets and Cowboy (Part Three)

Here is the conclusion of our sweet interview with Cowboy and Bets Davis, our marriage mentoring mentors:

You have mentored so many marriages. How did you both get involved in investing in other married couples?

Cowboy: It all began by accident. Years ago, my wife and another lady began teaching a marriage enrichment course. Soon they discovered they needed a man to add to their program. The lady dropped out and my wife and I became the team. For 40 years, we have been either counseling couples or teaching marriage enrichment classes.

Bets: Cowboy and I had attended a Marriage Encounter Weekend and knew that the Lord was calling us to become team leaders. The rest is history. When we married, we were so ignorant of God's blueprint for marriage. As we pursued studying how to make a good marriage better, our hearts were led to share it with other couples. Good marriages don't just happen....they take a lot of work!

Cowboy: My wife was smarter than I was because she knew if I began teaching marriage enrichment principles, I would have to live them out. Teaching and mentoring couples has become the most meaningful thing that we do in life.



Do you think marriage is valued in today's society? Why or why not?

Bets: Our culture is rapidly changing in so many ways. I believe that marriage is valued among most Christians, but not so in the world today. Living together before marriage is the way most people operate today. God intended for us to be fruitful and to multiply. However, we see that babies born out of wedlock is not only common, but acceptable. This definitely changes the way marriage is viewed today.

Cowboy: My law practice involves handling divorces and child custody cases. Today, young people have little regard for marriage. As Bets said, they begin living together and having sex before marriage. The number of children born outside of marriage is shocking to me, but not to our culture. This leads me to believe that marriage is not important to a large segment of our society. An understanding and commitment to Biblical principles is severely lacking in this generation. A culture without moral standards to guide their lives relegates them to seek satisfaction in the passion of the flesh, regardless of the consequences. If pregnancy does occur, the decision to have the baby of an abortion does not always consider the impact on their lives or the baby's.



What would you most like to share with a young couple considering marriage today?

Cowboy: Looking back over my life, the most significant thing that I would choose to do differently would be to grow closer to Jesus Christ earlier in my life. Unfortunately, I chose to "stiff-arm" God for many years. I was not interested in Bible Study until I was fifty years old!

Bets: Picture your relationship as a triangle, with God at the top. The closer you come to Him, the closer you are drawn to each other. If you both have a spiritual base, you must be committed and give allegiance to God and to a purpose outside and beyond yourselves. To make marriage work, we need God!

Cowboy: I want to scream out the message to young people that God is the answer. Romans 8:28 says "All things work together for good for those who love Jesus Christ." This applies when both partners in a marriage love the Lord. Their marriage will not fail!



Thanks so much to Cowboy and Bets for giving us this rich window into their personal lives. Kellie and I echo the satisfaction and fulfillment of helping other couples stay committed to and intentional about their marriages. We also share the firm belief that a marriage relationship built on a foundation of Christ will give that marriage strength which can potentially withstand any storm (Matthew 7:24-27). We are so grateful for the Davis' rich legacy to so many marriages (like ours) and we join them in celebrating fifty incredible years of marriage in August. Happy Anniversary!

More from Bets and Cowboy

This is a continuation of an interview with marriage mentoring veterans and good friends, Bets and Cowboy Davis:

What was the first significant turning point in your marriage?

Bets: When we began to feel as if we were a team and found it most fulfilling to be able to contribute to joint ventures such as parenting, work, play, politics, Bible teaching, premarital counseling, and teaching marriage enrichment courses.

Cowboy: After being defeated while seeking my third term in the Texas Legislature, our life began to take on a more normal routine. Our friends had always enjoyed a more conventional schedule of activity from the time they were first married. Serving in the legislature was very divisive to our marriage. For four years, I was in Austin more than I was in Houston with my family. But now, with me being involved in only one vocation (practicing law), we had time to be together and get involved in things together. When couples begin to work together as a team, they grow closer and more understanding of each other.

What is the biggest blessing of marriage for you personally?

Cowboy: We have become like two "peas in a pod". My wife is my best friend and cheerleader. She has never criticized me or put me down since we have been married. On the other hand, she has had several observations of how I could do things differently. She finds a later time to address them rather than at the time of my mistake. And even then, she is careful to point out something I have done, rather than attack me personally.

Bets: I am married to my "bestest" friend and soul mate! Our life is full of laughter and absolute joy. We are on the same page.....emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually. After fifty years of married life, we are closer and happier than we have ever been, and are still learning and growing.

Cowboy: Today, we communicate openly. There is nothing that we do not share together. This is the greatest blessing that a man could ever hope for. When God gave me Bets, He gave me the grand prize. My wife is very positively oriented and seldom looks at the negative side of things.

What do you think is the greatest key to a successful married life together?

Bets: A couples' ability to communicate with openness and honesty with God and one another. Communication is to marriage as blood is to life. Whenever blood stops flowing, the body dies. Whenever communication stops flowing, the marriage dies!

Cowboy: For a marriage to succeed, it takes hard work by both parties. The key is for the husband to do whatever he can do to be his wife's cheerleader. To listen to whatever she has to say and be ready to help her achieve the goals she has set. When I maintain a positive attitude about everything my wife is about, the benefits come back to me many fold. It's a giver's gain. The more I give to my bride, the more she eagerly gives back to me. When God created marriage, He made communication the foundation of that relationship--to know and understand each other. It is so important that we communicate with our whole heart and mind with our spouse. When we do, it fills up your spouse's cup--and God is watching. If you succeed at this, you get a "box seat" in Heaven.

The conclusion of this excellent interview will be in the next post. Thanks again, Cowboy and Bets!

Marriage Mentors of Marriage Encouragers

We believe that everyone needs caring mentors and good role models in their lives. We are so very blessed that Cletus ("Cowboy") and Bets Davis are one of those special kind of couples for us. They are dynamic people who have been mentoring couples for many years now and they have been directly inspirational in their support of our efforts to encourage marriages. At the end of next month, Cowboy & Bets will celebrate 50 years of marriage together. Here is the first portion of a recent interview that we had with them about their lifelong relationship and selfless ministry:

So how long have you two been together in marital bliss? And has it all been blissful?
Bets: We've been married for 50 wonderful years, August 31, 2007! But I think the term "marital bliss" is an oxymoron. It is also a myth! The real world of marriage has joys and sorrows, passion and pain. I've heard it said that marriage math is "one sinner plus one sinner equals double trouble under one roof!"
Cowboy: Has it all been blissful? It was blissful for me in the beginning but probably not as blissful for Bets. I was eager to be married to my dream of a lifetime! When we were first married, I was working in Lafayette, Louisiana as a geologist. Imagine, moving my new bride a thousand miles away from family and friends to Cajun Country where she had a new name, no friends, and did not know a soul, other than her husband. As a result, she was relegated to stay at home until she found employment, while I went off to work. I simply picked up where I left off as soon as I returned from our wedding trip--back to my office surrounded by friends and fellow workers. So in the beginning, it was bliss for me but a major adjustment for my bride!

What motivated you to get married?
Cowboy: I had met the girl of my dreams! Bets had all the qualities and attributes I had ever hoped for in a wife. I was so in love that I wanted to marry her on our first date! In fact, I told her that I loved her on that date and it scared me to death. I was moving too fast and realized that I might scare her away or she would think I was a phony! So, I never again told her how much I loved her until about the time we became engaged.
Bets: We were "in love"! Cowboy Davis had all the qualities that I was looking for in a lifetime mate.....gentleness, kindness, great sense of humor, intelligence, and ambition....and most importantly, a man who loved God.
Cowboy: While we were dating, on her 21st birthday, Bets was visiting me and my family in Houston. This was critical because she now saw who I really was and where I came from. She and I went to Hermann Park where I told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life making her happy. I was proposing marriage to her and it went right over her head. Even though my proposal was indirect, I had hoped she would think it was more than just a nice thought!

What were your early expectations?
Bets: I truly believed that our lives would be like June and Ward Cleaver's! Cowboy was my romantic knight in shining armor! Roles were clearly defined in my mind. I was certain that Cowboy would do all those things that husbands did, and I would do what wives did. Ha! We never talked about our disappointments in the expectations of rules and roles we had in our minds for one another.
Cowboy: Also, we had never discussed our religious beliefs before we were married. I assumed Bets was Christian because she had been to an Easter sunrise service with me. She went with me because this was the earliest she had ever had a date! Wow, we were very spiritually naive and didn't know it. Knowing Jesus Christ personally and understanding what that means was not even in our thinking. We joined the First Presbyterian church of Lafayette because it looked like a New England church, had a steeple, and was made of red brick.
My expectations of marriage were minimal. I had no idea what marriage was supposed to be except from what I saw in the movies and what I learned from my parents. Early on, we had already exceeded the example that I had seen at home growing up. Bets and I loved each other and, up to this point, had never had an argument. Boy, did I have a lot to learn!

What were the biggest surprises you encountered regarding marriage in your early years?
Cowboy: My biggest surprise was to find out that Bets was not as happy as I was about being married. Here I was on "cloud nine"--meanwhile, she was struggling to adjust to a man who was new in her life, a new town, a new name and meeting all kinds of new people. She was confronting a life filled with big changes.
Bets: The biggest surprise was actually seeing more clearly the great differences in our backgrounds and personalities. We were two independent persons forming a way of life together and learning to adjust to each other's ways was a challenge.
Cowboy: During the first few years, we were both learning to be sensitive to each other. We were learning how to communicate and how to resolve conflict. And then....along came our first child!

This interview will continue in a later post. Thanks to Cowboy and Bets for the first portion of their fascinating and genuinely real story behind their lifelong marriage.

Put Down The Timer

I (Brett) remember when instant oatmeal was first introduced (1966). Several of us in our family were big oatmeal eaters so that was big news for us! Wow...what a timesaver this new concept would be. Suddenly, we had a reasonable hot breakfast alternative, timewise, to consider for hectic school mornings. We were no longer limited to cold cereal and the three-minute egg.

Today everything is instant--coffee, fast food, ATM machines, internet information.....we even have instant tanning! This has fostered somewhat of a spoiled attitude for a lot of us. Put simply, we want what we want....and we want it now! Unfortunately, marriage most certainly does not work like that. In fact, a loving relationship couldn't be more opposite in nature. A successful marriage demands that you develop a lifestyle of patience and grace--which, actually, is quite a good thing. We could all use more practice in developing those traits of humility. And most likely, our daily lifestyles are not conducive to the learned art of slow and deliberate patience.

Anytime you have two people living in the same household, you are undoubtedly going to have irritations. More specifically, there will be daily situations where you can't expect instant gratification. Again I will repeat: In marriage there are daily situations where you can't expect instant gratification. In fact, just the mere art of learning to share the same bathroom or kitchen can take some couples a lifetime to learn--but, you know, that's part of the intriguing journey that lifelong couples enjoy together. So chill out!

My suggestion is to enjoy the roller-coaster ride together--that is, life's exciting ride of ups and downs. Day-to-day irritations and delays may currently stress you out....but, to be honest, that's your choice to respond in that way. A better plan than drowning in stress would be to pray for patience. Remember, patience is a gift of the Spirit. Since God's gifts are always outstanding and fulfilling, that means that gifts of the Spirit are always worth asking for. (See Galatians 5:22-23 for some other satisfying gifts!)

Mark my words, God will give patience to you when you ask for it....a little at a time, of course. If you're willing to hang in there and wait for the "good stuff" with your spouse, pray....it will come. It may not arrive in exactly the way you think it should.....or even when you think it should. But it will come. After all, there is no one that keeps promises better than the Lord.

So put your timer aside. I speak from hard-earned experience on this one.

Two Very Helpful Words

Most of us over forty know the classic line from the 1970 movie Love Story:

"Love means never having to say you're sorry!"

Well, as Ryan O'Neal said himself in the screwball comedy What's Up Doc? two years later:

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!"

I don't think I have to spend too much time waxing on about this particular topic. Bottom line is this: if you've had a recent (or even not-so-recent) argument with your spouse....and you know you're wrong.....just say "I'm sorry" and end the thing! Even though you can't control someone else's response to your apology (that's a different subject altogether), at the very least you yourself will no longer be carrying around foolish pride, anger, pain, self-justification, alienation and all of those other impossible burdens that we place on ourselves when refuse to admit we're wrong. As one sage said, "In marriage, you can be right....or you can be happy!"

Letting go of having to "be right" all the time will probably increase the days of your life, too--certainly the quality of your life. And, most likely, you will be moving your marriage in a positive direction...back toward close togetherness again with the one you love--which was, hopefully, the reason you got married in the first place.

Mutual Admiration Society

When is the last time you lavished praise on each other? Expressions of love and appreciation for one another can mean so much. Loving words are a great start. I'm not talking about flattery here. In my view, flattery is complimenting someone in an untrue way....in order to get something. No, I'm talking about giving the one you love genuine compliments--heartfelt expressions of affection and appreciation for qualities that they possess. What are those things your spouse has, does and is (pardon my grammar) that makes your life more joyful? Whatever those qualities are, it's time to express those things to your spouse. Don't assume that these feelings are already well-known around your household. Even if your love knows that you feel that way, authentic compliments still go a LONG WAY!!



Next, move from words of love to affectionate touches, full embraces and to holding each other. Make the most of the moments you have together. Show excitement when you see the love of your life--otherwise, how will anyone (including the love of your life) know that that person is the love of your life? Make it obvious!



This may all sound so elementary--because it is. But our schedules, distractions of life and even the cares and concerns of the hard knocks of life can all keep us from expressing what we need to be expressing to our lifelong partners. Don't let those factors get the best of your marriage. Give special looks, special notes and special kisses to one another. You'll begin to remember all kinds of things that made you fall in love in the first place. I highly recommend an abundance of affection toward the one to whom you pledged a lifelong love commitment.

The Key To Intimate Love

One of the great keys to marriage success is to overcome the "me first" mentality. This shouldn't be too hard for us to comprehend. It stands to reason that one cannot serve a spouse selflessly while nursing a mindset that is constantly asking the question "when am I going to get what I want?" But let's make this clear: we did not come into this life naturally wired with those kind of benevolent feelings for others--not even for the love of our life! Even for the nicest people we know, that kind of "others-centered" love is not in our DNA. It's just a plain fact that everyone struggles from time to time with selfishness. It's also a fact that we need supernatural transformational help in order to love intimately. So what to do?

One of the first steps in moving past the mindset that "life is not fair for me" is to accept the fact that suffering is not all bad. Let me explain. While no sane person would aggressively pursue suffering, nevertheless, enduring suffering is one of the most dramatic ways that we can learn to identify with the heart of Christ. The Apostle Paul said in Philippians 3:10, "I want to know Christ, the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His suffering." Paul wasn't crazy. On the contrary, Paul understood that learning how to connect with, experience, and understand personal suffering was also how he was going to learn how to connect with God's heart.

Why is that important? Several reasons. It's important to understand that God can somehow use suffering for good in your marriage. It's important to understand that God can somehow use conflict for good in your marriage. But it's even more important to understand that connecting intimately with the heart of God is the key to connecting intimately with the heart of your spouse. I'll repeat that: Connecting intimately with the heart of God is the key to connecting intimately with the heart of your spouse. Only through learning how to love God--the author of all love--in a deeper way will a person have genuine love to give to others. Look in I John 4:19. We are clearly told, "We love because He first loved us." Period. So, in other words, you can't love your spouse richly, intimately, without experiencing and receiving love from God in the first place.

We love because He first loved us. God has suffered tremendously on our behalf, no more dramatically than when he sent His Son to die on the cross....and that unbelievable event happened all because of His deep love for us. So, if you also want to experience deep love in your marriage, first experience the deep love that comes only from the well of all love. You can do that through prayer and surrender to God's will. It can also happen through daily reading of Scripture. Try reading the first epistle of John as a beginning point.

When you actively pursue the heart of God....and His love.....and begin to experience the understanding of why He would willingly suffer for us....I guarantee you that things will start to change inside of you. I guarantee that you will begin to operate in your marriage with more grace, patience and empathy--and all of those traits are very appealing qualities in a relationship. So give it a shot. Draw closer to God and see if you don't figure out how to draw closer to one another. What in the world do you have to lose?

The Love Bank

Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., author of the classic marriage book His Needs, Her Needs, talks about a concept he created called the Love Bank--to help couples understand how people fall in and out of love. His now-famous concept is that each of us has a Love Bank that keeps track of the way each person treats us. He goes on to say that everyone we know has an "account" and the things they do either deposit or withdraw love units from their accounts.

When you associate a person with good feelings, "deposits" are made into that person's account in your Love Bank. And when the Love Bank reaches a certain level of deposits, the feeling of love is triggered. Dr. Harley says that as long as your Love Bank balance remains above that threshold, you will experience the feeling of love. But when it falls below that threshold, you will lose that feeling.

What if you are currently not fond of the person in your marriage? Well, then it's not long before you'll want to do everything you can to get out of that relationship--and in our culture, what is an easier solution for that than divorce? But Dr. Harley's rationale is that to help someone fall in love again, you simply stop making Love Bank "withdrawals" and start making Love Bank "deposits". For more detailed suggestions on how to do that, go to his website at www.marriagebuilders.com

This is not rocket science. The old cliche "if you want to have friends, you've got to be a friend" carries a lot of weight in marriage. After all, marriage is designed to be, in many ways, the ultimate friendship, the ultimate personal connection. If you're turning away from your spouse for extended periods of time, the odds are pretty certain that that relationship is going to deteriorate. But it doesn't have to be that way. With prayer, you can do a lot from your end to reverse that trend. I encourage you to make deposits and investments in your most important relationship. You literally won't believe the dividends that will be paid out later.

Ladies, Give "Prince Charming" a Break

I (Kellie) get the benefit of hearing many different women comment about their husbands. Sometimes I get to hear great comments like "He did the nicest thing for me the other day ..." or "Can you believe it, he just wanted to cuddle". But unfortunately, I hear many sad comments like "He just doesn't seem to get me" or "He's not really interested in seeing our relationship grow". Dr. Hurst's diagnosis? In a lot of these cases, these women are temporarily suffering from "Prince Charming-itis". Somewhere along the way, we women believed that once we found "Mr. Right", all would be right with the world because our man would take on the task of meeting all of our emotional needs. Wrong! There is no man on earth who could possibly meet that monumental task.

When I was a little girl, I was well versed with all of those wonderful fairy tales ... especially the one with the cute guy on the white horse who would ride into town, stop everything, and gaze into my eyes (um ... I mean, Cinderella's eyes!) and make everything right. But here is what I've learned about "Brett Charming" after a couple of decades of marriage ...

1. I cannot place all of my emotional eggs in his basket. It is completely unfair of me to expect my husband to be my end-all. He won't be able to do it, and I set him up to fail when I expect him to.

2. My husband is really busy with a lot of other important things ... like working very hard for our family. To place him on the pedestal of being the all-knowing Master of Meeting Emotional Needs is quite unfair.

3. Andy Stanley (a pastor from Atlanta) says that men think of their marriages like a good car. They just want it to work ... they don't want to have to work on it every weekend! This doesn't mean that our guys can't learn to be more emotionally involved - it just means that they're not wired the same way we girls are.

So let's cut the guys a little slack. It's a great place to be when you can look at your husband in all of his "man-ness" and be thrilled with who he is. Perfectionism has no place in marriage. Ladies, when your man falls off that white horse, hop back up there with him and hold on for the ride of your life!

The Ideal Date

We're often amazed at how typical it is for couples who have been married for more than five years to settle into a pattern of not dating each other anymore. Perhaps more than anything else, reversing this trend positively in your marriage has the greatest potential of putting sparkle and connection back into your most important relationship. But where do you start?

It may just seem to a lot of women that an ideal date to a husband would include the following three components: eating home-cooked food, watching football, and having sex....and not necessarily in that sequence. It also may seem to a lot of men that an ideal date to a wife would include activities centered around antiques, poetry or Josh Groban. Take it easy, both of you. There are dates you can plan together that explore other avenues and still be mutually enjoyable:

-Try having a formal dinner in the park. Scout ahead of time for just the right setting. Pick up nice food, dress up, bring candles, tablecloth and romantic music. One quick hint: Don't do this one in Houston during August.

-Relive your first date together--that is, if you can still remember it. Give it your best shot to recreate that scene as close as you can--strictly for fun. Breath mints not optional.

-Listen to live music. When was the last time you both went to see one of your favorite bands in concert together? If it happens to be a band from the 70's, it may even help your own self-esteem as you watch some of these guys out there still performing--you might realize how good you both still look and feel by comparison.

-Try going to a bookstore together. Most of them have Fourbucks Coffee, overstuffed chairs (if you can scam one), and gobs of books that you each want to peruse. You can show each other your favorite things and/or just enjoy reading in privacy for 45 minutes or so. Then go get a quick light dessert close by.

-Cuddle at home with a great DVD. If you're too tired or too out of dating practice to get started with something more ambitious, begin with this easy one. Bring home great take-out, ignore the phone, dress comfortably and get cozy together on the couch. Give each other permission ahead of time to fall asleep. This can be a simple but important start towards reconnecting. Then you can work your way up to one of the other dates above.

Or be creative and invent your own thing to do. I will tell you that most married couples do not date each other regularly. There are so many things that compete for our time. You definitely have to be intentional to get back in the mindset of dating one another--but the payoff of satisfaction can be so worth it. The bottom line is to get back in the habit. When was the last time the two of you had a planned date, even a simple one? If you can't remember, then that is too long. Get started and have some fun. You'll wonder why you put it off.

Sixty-one and Counting.....

Happy Memorial Day, everybody!

Some very good friends of ours, Gay and Joan Hudson, have just celebrated their 61st wedding anniversary!! They are members of our church and just wonderful examples to our lives. Recently, I interviewed Gay to find out what it is like to have been married that long to such a special person. Here are some of those edited comments:

Q: How long did you and Joan date before getting married?
A: We were in the same circle of friends and knew each other for quite a while (maybe two years or more) before we actually started dating. Then, once we started, it was not long before we began talking about getting married in two or three years since we were both in college at the time. It turns out we were married in four months and finished college as a married couple--with one beautiful daughter. NOTE: We were not intimate until our wedding night!!

Q. How did you happen to propose to her?
A. I actually did not happen to propose. Instead, we talked about it, decided it was right for us (even though we were just kids), and I asked her father for her hand in marriage. His main caveat was that we graduate from college. We DID!!

Q. What kind of premarital advice (if any) did you receive before your wedding? Do you recall any particular words of wisdom?
A. The only marriage "counseling" we received was individually from our parents....and my grandfather. Words of wisdom offered:

"Don't rush into physical intimacy."

"Never go to bed angry with an unsettled matter dangling."

"Always consider each other's feelings and treat one another with kindness and respect."

Q. What do you see as the biggest challenge, in general, of two people learning how to live together in a marriage relationship for the rest of their lives?

A. Always remember that they are two unique individual personalities with different perceptions and approaches to many events in life. There will be necessary compromises that serve both as equally as possible. There can never be "my way or the highway."

Q. How important is a spiritual foundation to your marriage?

A. We both came from a family/church background and that has been the foundation of our marriage. As we have become more "seasoned", we have found faith to be even more important in our every day lives--and in the raising of our children (and their rearing of our grandchildren, all of whom are faithful Christians today).

Q. What has been the biggest surprise of your married life together?

A. The biggest surprise was how totally fulfilling a solid marriage partnership can be. You marry hoping for the best--and when God steps in and adds His blessing to the union, it becomes awesome.

Q. What has been the biggest joy?

A. The biggest joy in our life together has been (and is) the three daughters God placed in our care. That joy has been compounded by seven outstanding grandchildren and one great-granddaughter.

Q. What would be your number one piece of advice that you would give to young couples considering marriage today?

A. Always put your spouse's welfare, dreams, wishes and self-worth ahead of your own and constantly let her or him know how important they are to your life and happiness--and let them know how much he or she is loved.

I'm grateful to Gay for his candid responses to my questions. I'm even more grateful for his example of 61 years of faithful marriage. What a badge of honor! I'd say my wife and I have a long way to go, but it's a great goal worth shootin' for!

Thanks, Gay and Joan....and Happy Anniversary!!

So Why Did I Fall in Love, Anyway?

A good exercise to do after you have been married for a long while is to step back for a moment and ask yourself this question: What qualities in my spouse did I find so attractive and irresistible when we were dating? Sometimes even happily married couples have a hard time responding to this question, but it's one worth asking--and answering.

Unrealistic expectations in our marriages sometimes cause us to forget important aspects of our romantic history. Too often we get caught up in the subtle trap of making comparisons to other couples or spouses in regards to our own marriage. For instance, maybe the husband needs to grow more spiritually. In most cases, the man probably knows that. After all, who doesn't need to grow? Deep inside, he probably wants to take the next step in that direction. But he doesn't need to be belittled by being compared to the husband in the next marriage who is teaching the men's Bible study and currently memorizing the book of Habakkuk. Moreover, there was something about that diamond-in-the-rough husband that, when that couple was first dating, made that woman want to spend the rest of her life with him. What was it exactly?

In a different scenario, maybe a wife in a marriage does not look like some of today's anorexic supermodels--a very unhealthy model to try to live up to in the first place. An insensitive husband could obsess on that kind of standard while trying to satisfy his own fragile ego. But a better investment of time by that husband would be to take a few moments to remember once again why this lovely wife was so appealing to him to begin with. What was it about her personality that made him want to be with her night and day? What qualities were inside of her that told that young man years ago that this was the one?

For many, the dating period of falling in love is the time in their lives when they are most forgiving toward others....towards each other. During that dreamy period, we tend to give a lot of grace to the person who is the object of our affection. After all, we are in strong pursuit while dating and will sacrifice and overlook just about any shortcoming or hardship--just to be able to spend time with that person. When you're madly in love, you simply want to be together and appreciate each other.

That kind of attitude can be rekindled. So.....why did you fall in love with your spouse? Marriages that can remember all the reasons why have a better chance of becoming exciting again.

Are You Listening?

Dr. Howard Markman and Dr. Scott Stanley have written an outstanding book called Fighting For Your Marriage. Through more than 20 years of research, they have determined that there are four dangerous patterns that can lead to divorce:

Withdrawal - Walking aways from an argument without resolving it.

Escalation - Emotions increase to name calling, yelling or anger.

Invalidation - Not allowing someone to feel like his own needs, feelings, or thoughts are valid.

Negative Beliefs - Believing that the other person is intentionally trying to hurt or upset you.

In past years as a couple in ministry, we have sat down with many couples who have had all four of these patterns going--often in the same conversation! Those are marriages that are usually on or near the critical list. However, I am always reminded that there is always hope for any marriage. The important thing here is to eliminate dangerous patterns of verbal and nonverbal expression. Stop the train! And the solution to stopping this train of destruction is in listening. And what I mean by that is to temporarily suspend your incessant drive to "set the story straight". Take a break from having to get your point across or demand your rights. How productive has that strategy been, anyway? "Take five" from that process for a bit--and really listen to what your spouse is saying. Try to pinpoint in your mind what the core fear is within the heart of your spouse. And then see if you can articulate those thoughts back gently to your mate--to show that you care and that you are hearing them.

You'll be amazed at how quickly this can diffuse anger. After each of you have truly heard one another, then, at some other time, perhaps you can come back and try to solve those problems together (maybe even with some outside help). After practicing the respectful art of listening for a while, you may be surprised to find that those major points of division might not seem quite as ominous as they were before. No matter what, your marriage will have every chance of thriving if you are respecting one another in all of your communication. Just remember this: communication has not happened until the message being communicated is heard. Go out of your way to hear your spouse.

Having To Make Tough Decisions

Life is always full of important decisions. The tougher the choice, the more we can each benefit from the insight of someone we trust.

It's always a surprise to me (Brett) when I hear about husbands who will not consult their wives in major decisions. In fact, I've known more than one man over the years who did not ask for his wife's opinion before taking a job in another part of the country! That is obviously a recipe for disaster. Honestly, that kind of a marriage could soon be heading into some dangerous territory.

By contrast, I just spoke on the phone the other day with a very good friend who only moved across the state primarily because his wife agreed that it would be the right move for their family. When a man is wise like my buddy is, his wife no longer feels an overwhelming drive to prove herself an equal--she is an equal!

I am involved in an outstanding program in our city called Men's Life, a derivative of the nationally acclaimed program Men's Fraternity, developed by Robert Lewis. In that series, the roles of men and women in the family are discussed at length. The point is made clearly in those programs that men and women are indeed equal in marriage. God gave them specific roles as servant-leaders and servant-helpers, respectively, but the reality is that they are still both servants--and equals. Therefore, the overall health and direction of a family depends on the wisdom of both men and women--as they seek guidance together from the Lord.

Kellie and I always consult each other on all major decisions--and even a whole lot of minor ones! In my opinion, we would be foolish not to operate that way. More specifically, for me as a husband, God speaks clearly to me, over and over, through the wise counsel of my wife. For instance, on a particular issue, I may think I have logically listed all the pros and cons concerning the decision. But a very important stage of the decision-making process is to talk to my wife before pulling the trigger. And then Kellie, very intuitively and with much discernment, advises me which way to go. Sometimes it's in a direction that I hadn't yet considered. And this is so important. After all, sometimes I'm so focused on the goal ahead that I may not be examining all the angles that need to be brought into full consideration. Thankfully, I have someone very close in my life that I can trust to give me good advice. Kellie encourages me to move forward, which allows me to lead out as husband and father with a lot of confidence.

We encourage marriages to share life's big decisions together. It's yet another way to build intimacy in your most important relationship.

For more information about Greater Houston Men's Life check out www.ghml.org

Serving Up Soft Serve

Anyone who grew up in any Texas town big enough to have a Dairy Queen knows about soft serve ice cream. As most people know, soft serve is a frozen dessert that is softer than typical ice cream. It was actually invented by a British chemical research team (of which Margaret Thatcher was a member--who knew?). That team discovered a unique method of doubling the amount of air in ice cream to create this special product. Most consumers actually prefer the lighter texture of soft serve and so most major ice cream brands now use this manufacturing process.

In a similar way, most folks prefer being around those who serve others with a soft heart. A soft serving heart demonstrates a Christlike quality better than anything. In the world of ice cream, the right combination of air and temperature is as important to the taste of the finished product as the other ingredients. In the world of marriage and family, serving each other softly is as powerful as anything you might actually say or do. It's important to meet each other's emotional needs through daily gifts of affection and consideration. If this does not come naturally for you, fortunately, this can be developed further through learned behavior. Practice! You may already possess deep feelings of fondness for your mate or other family members and feel like that's enough. But I would challenge you to put wheels to your actions so that you can reveal those feelings more effectively.

Men may need extra help in the soft serve department. Dr. Kevin Leman says he has yet to meet a man who, after a long day at work, thinks to himself, "What I really need right now is a long, 45-minute talk with my wife!" But that may be exactly how a man might demonstrate a servant's heart best. After all, sacrificial love does not come naturally to anyone. But it's certainly the most rewarding love you can experience. Find simple ways to express your feelings to those you love. Call during the day. Send a warm email completely out of the blue. Make dinner together as a family. Go for a walk together with your kids and the dog. Smile at your spouse for no reason at all. Do something out of the ordinary that shows that you genuinely care deeply about those you love most.

Love is extra sweet when it's soft serve.

I Can't Do This On My Own!

It's so frustrating when you are in a struggling marriage and it seems that you are the only one fighting for the relationship. It stands to reason--nobody wants to be working on a relationship alone. But if this scenario fits you, one thing is absolutely clear: negative behavior only makes the situation worse. Let's say that your marriage is in a bad place--and you are convinced that your spouse is never going to change...or that your marriage will never ever improve. If you are 100% convinced of that, then you've thrown the towel in already. Please don't go there. Believe it or not, there is always hope for a better marriage!

Do resist the temptation to manipulate the other party into "behaving" and complying with your wishes. That kind of response from you is only going to drive the other person farther away. In fact, I've never once seen that approach work. Nor does nagging, begging or fit-throwing. A better plan is to start praying. Now is the time to surrender control. God knows your situation--better than you do, actually. And don't forget, He is all-powerful--powerful enough to create the world, right? So, clearly, it is definitely within the realm of God's capabilities to help you and your spouse in your marriage. But you have to faithfully believe that fact. You have to be totally convinced that nothing is impossible for God.

I've seen miracles of marriage restoration before. Impossible situations that dramatically reversed. Those kinds of miracles are in the hands of Someone who can move mountains. So my advice is to let Him! Meanwhile, what can you be doing from a practical standpoint? You can focus on this simple game plan: do the right thing! No matter what else is currently happening in your marriage, control what you can control. I'm guessing that things are currently in a bad emotional state right now if your marriage is suffering. But the good news is that with God's help, you can always control yourself. You absolutely cannot control your mate, but you can control yourself. Make sure that you are doing all you can do to respond with mature, honest and graceful behavior.

In all the situations where I've personally seen a bad marriage turn around, there was always someone that was praying fervently for that marriage. Why don't you be that person? Pray in faith, believing that good things will happen in God's timing. Moreover, get close trusted friends to be praying as well. By the way, Kellie and I would be more than happy to be praying for your marriage. You may email us at thehursts@homeencouragement.org

Remember that even in those times in your life when you feel like you are totally alone, you are never alone! So resist the inclination to try to save your marriage yourself.

Honor Those Vows

Marriage certainly has its periods of ups and downs--times of excitement, times of tremendous stress, times of mundane routine. During these swings of life, your emotions can leave you unprotected, even vulnerable. As the robot on Lost in Space used to say, "Danger! Danger!"

Make sure that your personal character and integrity are not subject to that emotional roller coaster. A good way to resist damaging temptation to your marriage is to have strong boundaries that don't allow for emotional connection with opposite sex friendships. Alistair Begg advises couples to adopt this axiom for their marriages: Do not take someone of the opposite sex into precincts that are the exclusive domain of your spouse. In other words: Don't be stupid!

A man is on dangerous ground when he thinks that he connects better with the lady at the office than he does with his wife. This is a very subtle trap, but one with lethal consequences. Remember the movie, Fatal Attraction? Now, that's a haunting image! Obviously, it's not going to be possible to avoid ever talking to someone of the opposite sex. But you can easily steer away from flirtatious conversations, let alone put yourself in even more compromising situations. You'll be a happier camper for sidestepping the drama.

Marital indiscretions take place, literally, every hour of the day. And, of course, Christians are just as vulnerable as anyone else. Temptation is no respecter of persons. When tempted, it's good to be reminded of the sincere vows that you and your spouse each took on your wedding day. It's also a wise thing to pray daily for God's protection over your marriage. This will help you avoid the traps of arrogance and foolishness.

Someone once defined the word "integrity" as what one really does when no one else is watching. Your integrity is worth more than gold. So flee temptation! And may your life be defined by good character and unshakable trust--which will in turn lead to a life of freedom and abundant living.

Quarterly Meetings

A few years ago, Kellie and I fell into the habit of scheduling quarterly rendezvous weekends at area hotels in our fair city. This allows us, while our kids are still at home, of getting away for a true romantic experience without having to drive clear across the state. We're close to home, if desperately needed, and we're not drained from traveling when our oasis time is over. Besides, living in Houston, there are some truly nice hotels and getaways to discover right here in our hometown.

Kellie figured out a couple of years ago the benefit of using any of the many online discount reservation services to book our hotel. We simply go on the travel site, type in "four-star hotel" for such-and-such weekend (at a very affordable price for us) and hold our breath to see what we get! We don't exactly know where we're going, but we know it will be nice. We do elegant meals (so many great restaurants to choose from) and just allow ourselves a genuinely romantic time together.

We mix up the experiences, too. One particular quarterly weekend, Kellie surprised me by agreeing for us to splurge and stay at the Inn at the Ballpark across from Minute Maid Park. We also happened to have tickets to the Astros/Cards game during an exciting pennant race. Well, of course, the game turned out to be fantastic. There were many late inning home runs that extended the contest into extra innings. We thoroughly enjoyed all thirteen thrilling innings and then simply walked across the street to our first-class hotel when the game ended. It was a total blast! And we would have never stayed for an entire night game before, let alone extra innings, due to our kids and a long drive across town to get home from the game.

Note: I'm so glad my wife genuinely loves baseball now. It makes a weekend like that possible. In the early years of our marriage, I would take Kellie regularly to opening day at the Astrodome and she would be invariably asleep in her seat by the third inning. However, these days, she's the one who has the game on TV before I do--I can't explain the metamorphosis! It must be not unlike my willingness in recent years to accompany her on some smaller shopping excursions--definitely not my cup of tea. I guess I finally realized I do like being with her and seeing her enjoy herself doing something she likes to do. Let's just say that twenty years of marriage and turning towards each other has softened our hearts towards the unthinkable-- quite a bit!

Anyway, the point is that it's important to get away regularly, if possible, and allow your marriage the chance to be special and romantic once again. There are so many pressures at home--balancing job demands, family issues, children, and even just the rigors of maintaining a home together. Having mini-getaways (even just an overnight will do it) inject new life and love into your marriage and remind you once again why you fell in love in the first place.