Have you ever seen a badger? Have you ever been a badger? Do you pick on your spouse frequently? Do you badger your mate with slight criticisms to try to get him or her to do things the way you think they should be done--to try to get them to change? Even though that approach may seem to be logical and effective, you might want to rethink that strategy.
I recently heard noted relationships expert Gary Smalley speak at a conference. Gary wrote the bestseller The DNA of Relationships, among many other popular titles. He is a very entertaining presenter with a disarming sense of humor. I've seen him speak countless times. And every time I hear him, he surprises me with some kind of powerful insight.
Smalley says that it is common for married persons to, over time, begin to pick on their spouses to try to change them. He goes on to say that trying to purposely change someone you love is the exact worst thing you can do. The fact of the matter is that you cannot change another person! Moreover, he adds, it's not our job to be someone else's "Holy Spirit". After all, God does not need our assistance in the area of transformational change. Not even a little bit.
All we can do in this life is take responsibility for ourselves. Doing that is much more productive for relational change than finger pointing. Finger pointing causes disconnect with the one you love. Furthermore, it creates an unsafe place for your relationship. This unsafe environment will generally lead ultimately to more distrust, less intimacy, and a marriage that will become harder to manage.
So try moving in the other direction. Encourage one another. Ask for forgiveness often. Think before you speak. Give advice less. Pray more. Trust God. And eventually, you will see powerful changes in yourself. And maybe even the one you love.
For more on Gary Smalley and his insights, go to the website of The Smalley Relationship Center.
I recently heard noted relationships expert Gary Smalley speak at a conference. Gary wrote the bestseller The DNA of Relationships, among many other popular titles. He is a very entertaining presenter with a disarming sense of humor. I've seen him speak countless times. And every time I hear him, he surprises me with some kind of powerful insight.
Smalley says that it is common for married persons to, over time, begin to pick on their spouses to try to change them. He goes on to say that trying to purposely change someone you love is the exact worst thing you can do. The fact of the matter is that you cannot change another person! Moreover, he adds, it's not our job to be someone else's "Holy Spirit". After all, God does not need our assistance in the area of transformational change. Not even a little bit.
All we can do in this life is take responsibility for ourselves. Doing that is much more productive for relational change than finger pointing. Finger pointing causes disconnect with the one you love. Furthermore, it creates an unsafe place for your relationship. This unsafe environment will generally lead ultimately to more distrust, less intimacy, and a marriage that will become harder to manage.
So try moving in the other direction. Encourage one another. Ask for forgiveness often. Think before you speak. Give advice less. Pray more. Trust God. And eventually, you will see powerful changes in yourself. And maybe even the one you love.
For more on Gary Smalley and his insights, go to the website of The Smalley Relationship Center.
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