Are You Listening?

Dr. Howard Markman and Dr. Scott Stanley have written an outstanding book called Fighting For Your Marriage. Through more than 20 years of research, they have determined that there are four dangerous patterns that can lead to divorce:

Withdrawal - Walking aways from an argument without resolving it.

Escalation - Emotions increase to name calling, yelling or anger.

Invalidation - Not allowing someone to feel like his own needs, feelings, or thoughts are valid.

Negative Beliefs - Believing that the other person is intentionally trying to hurt or upset you.

In past years as a couple in ministry, we have sat down with many couples who have had all four of these patterns going--often in the same conversation! Those are marriages that are usually on or near the critical list. However, I am always reminded that there is always hope for any marriage. The important thing here is to eliminate dangerous patterns of verbal and nonverbal expression. Stop the train! And the solution to stopping this train of destruction is in listening. And what I mean by that is to temporarily suspend your incessant drive to "set the story straight". Take a break from having to get your point across or demand your rights. How productive has that strategy been, anyway? "Take five" from that process for a bit--and really listen to what your spouse is saying. Try to pinpoint in your mind what the core fear is within the heart of your spouse. And then see if you can articulate those thoughts back gently to your mate--to show that you care and that you are hearing them.

You'll be amazed at how quickly this can diffuse anger. After each of you have truly heard one another, then, at some other time, perhaps you can come back and try to solve those problems together (maybe even with some outside help). After practicing the respectful art of listening for a while, you may be surprised to find that those major points of division might not seem quite as ominous as they were before. No matter what, your marriage will have every chance of thriving if you are respecting one another in all of your communication. Just remember this: communication has not happened until the message being communicated is heard. Go out of your way to hear your spouse.