Early last week, I (Brett) lost my oldest sister, Debbie, to brain cancer. Debbie (pictured here as a young adult) was a wonderfully sweet and godly person. She had fought her life battle with cancer for at least three years and finally died peacefully on a Sunday morning. The good news is that she never really suffered at all during those years. In fact, amazingly, she didn't even struggle much in her final hours. To say the least, God gave her a merciful gift of peace and general comfort during her illness. The best news of all is that she couldn't wait to be with Jesus in Heaven. I've never been more confident of where someone is spending eternity. Moreover, I look forward to a glorious reunion with her one day.
Meanwhile, back here on earth, the rest of us were obviously impacted by our loss. Debbie was the oldest of six Hurst kids (three girls and three boys, in that order). We had so many great memories as a relatively large family. Each of us kids had our own unique and tender moments through the years with Debbie.
Although I had experienced God's gentle peace myself the Sunday morning she died, by about Tuesday I could tell that I was indeed being impacted, even physiologically, by just the mere physical loss of a sibling. The stark reality settled in a bit. All of a sudden, we were down to five siblings in my clan. Although I am no stranger to death by cancer (I lost my mom many years ago), it never ceases to amaze me how powerful the impact of internal grieving can be.
As we were preparing all week for a beautiful pair of services that were held last Friday, my wife and I began to notice that we were not hitting on all cylinders in our own marriage relationship. For no apparent reason, we were unusually short with each other. Furthermore, we were not connecting well emotionally in our usual intuitive manner. In fact, we felt really disconnected from each other. Somehow, I quickly got the insight that this phenomenon of relational misfiring was related to Debbie's death and our mutual loss. After all, we had both been close to Debbie. Once Kellie and I discussed this theory, we immediately began giving each other more grace and understanding in our own relationship. Things between us gradually improved through the rest of the week. By Friday, we were emotionally prepared for a lovely homegoing celebration with many loving relatives and supportive friends.
It's strange how losing someone close to you can temporarily affect your ability to function in everyday affairs. As an example, my two surviving sisters both shared with me last Friday that they had been quite fuzzy in their thinking all week as well. A general disorientation was something that seemed to be common between all of the survivors.
I guess my insight here is to just understand that, during these impactful life moments, give your spouse and family members extra grace and patience. Also, realize that when you are one in marriage, losing an "in-law" is just the same as losing your own family member. My wife rediscovered that fact last week. After all, when a person gets married, they marry into another family. Those "additional family members" become part of the fabric of your life. They can easily take position in your personal mosaic as additional parents, siblings, cousins, etc.
Sensitivity is so important. I'm grateful for an understanding wife that can help me honestly process some of the hardest yet most normal experiences of life....even death. Together, we have the capacity to share these kinds of moments in loss. With a whole lot of communication, patience and understanding, doing this together makes the ride a little less painful.
As we were preparing all week for a beautiful pair of services that were held last Friday, my wife and I began to notice that we were not hitting on all cylinders in our own marriage relationship. For no apparent reason, we were unusually short with each other. Furthermore, we were not connecting well emotionally in our usual intuitive manner. In fact, we felt really disconnected from each other. Somehow, I quickly got the insight that this phenomenon of relational misfiring was related to Debbie's death and our mutual loss. After all, we had both been close to Debbie. Once Kellie and I discussed this theory, we immediately began giving each other more grace and understanding in our own relationship. Things between us gradually improved through the rest of the week. By Friday, we were emotionally prepared for a lovely homegoing celebration with many loving relatives and supportive friends.
It's strange how losing someone close to you can temporarily affect your ability to function in everyday affairs. As an example, my two surviving sisters both shared with me last Friday that they had been quite fuzzy in their thinking all week as well. A general disorientation was something that seemed to be common between all of the survivors.
I guess my insight here is to just understand that, during these impactful life moments, give your spouse and family members extra grace and patience. Also, realize that when you are one in marriage, losing an "in-law" is just the same as losing your own family member. My wife rediscovered that fact last week. After all, when a person gets married, they marry into another family. Those "additional family members" become part of the fabric of your life. They can easily take position in your personal mosaic as additional parents, siblings, cousins, etc.
Sensitivity is so important. I'm grateful for an understanding wife that can help me honestly process some of the hardest yet most normal experiences of life....even death. Together, we have the capacity to share these kinds of moments in loss. With a whole lot of communication, patience and understanding, doing this together makes the ride a little less painful.
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