Don't Get Caught In The Web

The Internet brings the average family so many countless advantages....or does it? According to a recent American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) newsletter article by Dr. Mark R. Laaser, author of Healing Wounds of Sexual Addiction, pornography accounts for 7% of the 3.3 billion Web pages indexed by Google. That's a phenomenal statistic with tremendous repercussions for our nation. As a pastor who deals constantly with families, I (Brett) am convinced that sexual addictions are one the most destructive forces that can come against marriages. Moreover, Internet pornography is producing the fastest growing forms of sexual addiction.

What are the consequences of chronic exposure to illicit Internet images? Dr. Al Cooper finds that men that frequently look at pornography:

1. Develop unrealistic expectations of women's appearance and sexual behavior.
2. Have difficulty forming and sustaining relationships.
3. Have trouble feeling sexually satisfied.

Kellie and I are parents of teenagers. As parents, we have prayed throughout the years that our children would get "caught" early in any kind destructive patterns that would harm them (yes, we want them to get caught--and they have)! Even though they have not always appreciated that at first, it actually has turned out to be a blessing to them. After all, in the long run, getting exposed early in the early stage has allowed our kids to not to have to deal with the greater consequences further down the road of perdition, if you will.

In that same way, this kind of prayer might not be a bad prayer to be praying for your spouse, as well! But even getting "caught" early in this game can bring problems. Because sexual addiction is no game. It is like playing with wildfire--and produces so many negative responses. After learning of their husband's behavior, many wives understandably feel betrayed. Inevitably, their ability to trust their spouse often diminishes. Anger and depression can follow. Consequently, marital conflict has the potential to increase significantly as a result--frequently without resolution.

Other manifestations of this dangerous trap can be sexual anorexia, excessive plastic surgery in an attempt to then attain the "perfect" body, as well as the addicted person mindlessly being tethered to their computers, robbing families of fathers--or even mothers! It should be also noted here that women and men having illicit sexual conversations in chat rooms can be considered a comparable addiction. All of this type of behavior can result in extramarital affairs, which can be a superhighway to separation and divorce.

Solutions to this very serious problem?

-Have people in your life that will keep you accountable--people that are, honestly, not impressed with you, so to speak, but rather friends that love you enough to ask you the hard questions and pray for you.

-Put an effective filter system on your computer systems at home and work. In our view, it is too easy to be exposed to destructive and addictive images to take this lightly. The same is true for your children. BSafe Online is one of several good companies that make good products that will help your family.

-If you are struggling with this issue (and many are) get help immediately by talking to a pastor, professional counselor, or specialist.

-Another consideration is an excellent website that has extensive help available: Pure Intimacy. It has a tremendous amount of resources available related help for this issue.

-Finally, pray for the strength to be obedient to God's plan for your life. He loves you greatly, He loves your family as well, and He most definitely does not want you to be trapped or destroyed by any addictive behavior. And He will always give you a way out of the temptations in your life (I Corinthians 10:13).

The Internet can be a huge blessing of resources to families. Don't allow it to be something that will destroy yours.

Best Friends With Benefits

In today's rapidly changing culture, marriage is often scoffed at as an impractical and unnecessary relationship. But according to several sources (listed at the end of this post), marriage has some pretty impressive incentives that don't get acknowledged too often.

Did you know that married people overall reportedly live longer than unmarried people? Mortality rates for unmarried women are 50% higher than comparable married women, and the death rate is 250% higher for unmarried men. Moreover, in that regard, being an unmarried man is more dangerous statistically than heart disease. Where heart disease reduces the average man's life span by six years, being single does so by ten years.

A satisfying marriage (which obviously takes far more work and effort than an unsatisfying one) is even more beneficial. And the greater the fulfillment of the marriage, the healthier the couple. The more tension and unresolved issues of conflict, the more susceptible the couple will be to colds, flus, and other diseases. By the way, married couples also report the highest levels of happiness and well-being, as opposed to their cohabitating counterparts. I'm merely giving you the stats, folks.

It gets better. Married couples have more sex and report higher levels of satisfaction than do single people. All you have to do is read the diaries of certain promiscuous celebrities to be convinced of that reality. To say the least, that lifestyle is not as glamorous or fulfilling as it seems. And, marital sexual satisfaction just increases with greater general marital satisfaction. In marriage, sexual fidelity is higher, emotional commitment is higher, and mutual trust is higher.

Finally, if you want a higher net worth, get or stay married. The median income of the American married couple in 1997 was $47,000. For single men, it was $26,000. For single women, just under $16,000. And couples that stay married longer statistically retain more and more of their money the longer they are married. There's evidently a financial synergy that can often occur in marriage. It just takes two people the effort of heading in the same direction.

Now please don't misunderstand. God has a great plan for every person who loves Him. And, frankly, not every person in this world is called to be married. But judging by the facts just mentioned, it's more than obvious that marriage can produce some very special blessings. And I'm a little weary of marriage not being celebrated for all the benefits that it can so often produce.

Ironically, one of the greatest blessings of marriage is how much it can teach you about moving away from a self-centered life. A satisfying marriage is worth all the effort that it takes. By asking for divine help and by working together through difficult times, there are evidently so many rewards that can come to those who persevere. I pray that if you're in a struggling marriage, that God will show you some of those fringe benefits.

Sources: David Larson, the National Institute for Healthcare Research, the University of Chicago National Sex Survey, The Case for Marriage by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, and an article by Tim Clinton in the Journal of Psychology and Theology (Fall 2003).

Honestly, Honesty is The Best Policy

Every year for the past four years or so, I (Brett) have participated in leadership for a particular spiritual weekend called Journey To Damascus. It's a beautiful ecumenical experience--close in format to Walk To Emmaus and Cursillo and other similar movements--and it's a great opportunity for personal reflection on so many levels.....and so worth the investment. I benefit myself so much from it. Re-connecting with God on a deeper level and at a slower pace is something that always comes at the right time for me. Moreover, the loving Catholic community of Texans (and naturalized Texans) involved behind the scenes of Journey To Damascus is one of the most amazingly dedicated groups of people I have ever served with.....and so much fun! I get to laugh a lot with some great friends and that's always high on my list of healing remedies for personal stress.

Besides the personal renewal, one of the things I enjoy most about these weekends is getting to interact with so many new folks from all different kinds of backgrounds--people that are carrying as many different kinds of burdens as there are colors in the rainbow. In the course of many heartfelt conversations over a weekend, I am particularly reminded how many marriages are not what they seem to be on the outside. More specifically, as has been said here many times, it's important to speak the truth in love--that marriage can be tough--one of the greatest challenges of your life! The hard work required is what makes an intimate love relationship so potentially rewarding and fulfilling.

This year, my main marriage takeaway from JTD is how important honesty is in your most important relationship. Transparent communication is the lifeblood of a growing marriage. Men, for many reasons, often struggle with being completely upfront about details of their personal lives....in the areas of their business, career, personal time, temptations, and, yes even struggles with addiction. But many women do as well. It's hard for many of us to admit weakness. But we all need accountability--not for the purpose of having someone breathe down our necks, but rather so we can always be free to put our best foot forward. Honest accountability and comfort from others protects a person from going down destructive paths.

Granted, it's vital for men to have transparent relationships with other men. Likewise, women need emotional intimacy with other women. But, in my view, if you're married, your spouse should be your most important sounding board, if that's possible. Are you honest with your spouse about your business dealings? About your other personal relationships? About the struggles you are facing in your life? What about stress, emotional pain and your personal health? Is it possible you are moving down the road with some kind of lethal addiction....one that has the potential to destroy not only you, but, in many ways, your family and others? Let's face it, some addictions have the power to wreck everything and everyone in their path.

Honest community is a godsend. It helps take the pressure off of so many ridiculous expectations that we can internalize--those pressures to have everything perfectly working in our lives at all times. An honest marriage can give you even more advantages. Take a risk with that kind of vulnerability with the one you love. If you are struggling with something deep inside (and most of us are), tell your spouse. If, for some reason, you are hesitant to do that, then get some counsel from a pastor, friend, or professional and begin there. Finally, confess those things you're carrying to God. He is more than able to handle your burden. You'll be surprised at the emotional relief He can give you so quickly. Through heartfelt prayer, the Lord will guide you to the right solution....no matter the problem.

Don't carry impossible burdens any longer by yourself. Frankly, your mind and body are not equipped to carry those loads alone. Life is too short to waste trying to be perfect with some secret plan to get everything back on track. Everyone needs a family (and a spiritual family) for a safe place to be honest about our weaknesses. And just remember, that in our weakest moments, God is our strength!