Always and Never

In the heat of heavy disagreements in marriage, there are two common words that can be very destructive between couples: "always" and "never":

"You always spend more money than we have!"
"You never put my needs first!"
"He's always criticizing everything I do!"
"She never has time for me anymore!"

Using these words can be like launching flares to escalate unnecessary conflict in what can be a productive conversation. Somehow, by God's grace, Kellie and I learned fairly early in our marriage that using the words "always" and "never" in this context was not fair or loving. For one thing, we realized that it's usually not accurate to employ those words in conflict (after all, couples do often tend to exaggerate when hurt). We discovered it was usually better to use more realistic assessments like "sometimes", "occasionally" or "once in a while". Beyond that, it was even more helpful to take the accusatory sting out of those statements by putting them in first person. You can do this by saying "I feel":

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not an important priority when I'm ignored at breakfast."
"Once in a while I feel hurt when you forget to call to let me know you're coming home late."

The more often that spouses can consciously avoid extreme statements of blame, the better the chance of the area of conflict being worked out quickly. And then that keeps those points of contention from growing into full-blown contempt. It's a wise spouse that acts as an agent of grace whenever possible--even when you believe you have been wronged. Direct communication that is respectful and truthful will go a long way towards healing--versus more and more hurtful accusations.

If this has been a habitual style of communication in your marriage for many years, it will take some practice to reverse the trend. But take the initiative and the personal responsibility to go in a softer direction. Eventually, you will start moving more and more towards each other, which will usually lead towards more connection and less contention.