Sixty-one and Counting.....

Happy Memorial Day, everybody!

Some very good friends of ours, Gay and Joan Hudson, have just celebrated their 61st wedding anniversary!! They are members of our church and just wonderful examples to our lives. Recently, I interviewed Gay to find out what it is like to have been married that long to such a special person. Here are some of those edited comments:

Q: How long did you and Joan date before getting married?
A: We were in the same circle of friends and knew each other for quite a while (maybe two years or more) before we actually started dating. Then, once we started, it was not long before we began talking about getting married in two or three years since we were both in college at the time. It turns out we were married in four months and finished college as a married couple--with one beautiful daughter. NOTE: We were not intimate until our wedding night!!

Q. How did you happen to propose to her?
A. I actually did not happen to propose. Instead, we talked about it, decided it was right for us (even though we were just kids), and I asked her father for her hand in marriage. His main caveat was that we graduate from college. We DID!!

Q. What kind of premarital advice (if any) did you receive before your wedding? Do you recall any particular words of wisdom?
A. The only marriage "counseling" we received was individually from our parents....and my grandfather. Words of wisdom offered:

"Don't rush into physical intimacy."

"Never go to bed angry with an unsettled matter dangling."

"Always consider each other's feelings and treat one another with kindness and respect."

Q. What do you see as the biggest challenge, in general, of two people learning how to live together in a marriage relationship for the rest of their lives?

A. Always remember that they are two unique individual personalities with different perceptions and approaches to many events in life. There will be necessary compromises that serve both as equally as possible. There can never be "my way or the highway."

Q. How important is a spiritual foundation to your marriage?

A. We both came from a family/church background and that has been the foundation of our marriage. As we have become more "seasoned", we have found faith to be even more important in our every day lives--and in the raising of our children (and their rearing of our grandchildren, all of whom are faithful Christians today).

Q. What has been the biggest surprise of your married life together?

A. The biggest surprise was how totally fulfilling a solid marriage partnership can be. You marry hoping for the best--and when God steps in and adds His blessing to the union, it becomes awesome.

Q. What has been the biggest joy?

A. The biggest joy in our life together has been (and is) the three daughters God placed in our care. That joy has been compounded by seven outstanding grandchildren and one great-granddaughter.

Q. What would be your number one piece of advice that you would give to young couples considering marriage today?

A. Always put your spouse's welfare, dreams, wishes and self-worth ahead of your own and constantly let her or him know how important they are to your life and happiness--and let them know how much he or she is loved.

I'm grateful to Gay for his candid responses to my questions. I'm even more grateful for his example of 61 years of faithful marriage. What a badge of honor! I'd say my wife and I have a long way to go, but it's a great goal worth shootin' for!

Thanks, Gay and Joan....and Happy Anniversary!!

So Why Did I Fall in Love, Anyway?

A good exercise to do after you have been married for a long while is to step back for a moment and ask yourself this question: What qualities in my spouse did I find so attractive and irresistible when we were dating? Sometimes even happily married couples have a hard time responding to this question, but it's one worth asking--and answering.

Unrealistic expectations in our marriages sometimes cause us to forget important aspects of our romantic history. Too often we get caught up in the subtle trap of making comparisons to other couples or spouses in regards to our own marriage. For instance, maybe the husband needs to grow more spiritually. In most cases, the man probably knows that. After all, who doesn't need to grow? Deep inside, he probably wants to take the next step in that direction. But he doesn't need to be belittled by being compared to the husband in the next marriage who is teaching the men's Bible study and currently memorizing the book of Habakkuk. Moreover, there was something about that diamond-in-the-rough husband that, when that couple was first dating, made that woman want to spend the rest of her life with him. What was it exactly?

In a different scenario, maybe a wife in a marriage does not look like some of today's anorexic supermodels--a very unhealthy model to try to live up to in the first place. An insensitive husband could obsess on that kind of standard while trying to satisfy his own fragile ego. But a better investment of time by that husband would be to take a few moments to remember once again why this lovely wife was so appealing to him to begin with. What was it about her personality that made him want to be with her night and day? What qualities were inside of her that told that young man years ago that this was the one?

For many, the dating period of falling in love is the time in their lives when they are most forgiving toward others....towards each other. During that dreamy period, we tend to give a lot of grace to the person who is the object of our affection. After all, we are in strong pursuit while dating and will sacrifice and overlook just about any shortcoming or hardship--just to be able to spend time with that person. When you're madly in love, you simply want to be together and appreciate each other.

That kind of attitude can be rekindled. So.....why did you fall in love with your spouse? Marriages that can remember all the reasons why have a better chance of becoming exciting again.

Are You Listening?

Dr. Howard Markman and Dr. Scott Stanley have written an outstanding book called Fighting For Your Marriage. Through more than 20 years of research, they have determined that there are four dangerous patterns that can lead to divorce:

Withdrawal - Walking aways from an argument without resolving it.

Escalation - Emotions increase to name calling, yelling or anger.

Invalidation - Not allowing someone to feel like his own needs, feelings, or thoughts are valid.

Negative Beliefs - Believing that the other person is intentionally trying to hurt or upset you.

In past years as a couple in ministry, we have sat down with many couples who have had all four of these patterns going--often in the same conversation! Those are marriages that are usually on or near the critical list. However, I am always reminded that there is always hope for any marriage. The important thing here is to eliminate dangerous patterns of verbal and nonverbal expression. Stop the train! And the solution to stopping this train of destruction is in listening. And what I mean by that is to temporarily suspend your incessant drive to "set the story straight". Take a break from having to get your point across or demand your rights. How productive has that strategy been, anyway? "Take five" from that process for a bit--and really listen to what your spouse is saying. Try to pinpoint in your mind what the core fear is within the heart of your spouse. And then see if you can articulate those thoughts back gently to your mate--to show that you care and that you are hearing them.

You'll be amazed at how quickly this can diffuse anger. After each of you have truly heard one another, then, at some other time, perhaps you can come back and try to solve those problems together (maybe even with some outside help). After practicing the respectful art of listening for a while, you may be surprised to find that those major points of division might not seem quite as ominous as they were before. No matter what, your marriage will have every chance of thriving if you are respecting one another in all of your communication. Just remember this: communication has not happened until the message being communicated is heard. Go out of your way to hear your spouse.

Having To Make Tough Decisions

Life is always full of important decisions. The tougher the choice, the more we can each benefit from the insight of someone we trust.

It's always a surprise to me (Brett) when I hear about husbands who will not consult their wives in major decisions. In fact, I've known more than one man over the years who did not ask for his wife's opinion before taking a job in another part of the country! That is obviously a recipe for disaster. Honestly, that kind of a marriage could soon be heading into some dangerous territory.

By contrast, I just spoke on the phone the other day with a very good friend who only moved across the state primarily because his wife agreed that it would be the right move for their family. When a man is wise like my buddy is, his wife no longer feels an overwhelming drive to prove herself an equal--she is an equal!

I am involved in an outstanding program in our city called Men's Life, a derivative of the nationally acclaimed program Men's Fraternity, developed by Robert Lewis. In that series, the roles of men and women in the family are discussed at length. The point is made clearly in those programs that men and women are indeed equal in marriage. God gave them specific roles as servant-leaders and servant-helpers, respectively, but the reality is that they are still both servants--and equals. Therefore, the overall health and direction of a family depends on the wisdom of both men and women--as they seek guidance together from the Lord.

Kellie and I always consult each other on all major decisions--and even a whole lot of minor ones! In my opinion, we would be foolish not to operate that way. More specifically, for me as a husband, God speaks clearly to me, over and over, through the wise counsel of my wife. For instance, on a particular issue, I may think I have logically listed all the pros and cons concerning the decision. But a very important stage of the decision-making process is to talk to my wife before pulling the trigger. And then Kellie, very intuitively and with much discernment, advises me which way to go. Sometimes it's in a direction that I hadn't yet considered. And this is so important. After all, sometimes I'm so focused on the goal ahead that I may not be examining all the angles that need to be brought into full consideration. Thankfully, I have someone very close in my life that I can trust to give me good advice. Kellie encourages me to move forward, which allows me to lead out as husband and father with a lot of confidence.

We encourage marriages to share life's big decisions together. It's yet another way to build intimacy in your most important relationship.

For more information about Greater Houston Men's Life check out www.ghml.org

Serving Up Soft Serve

Anyone who grew up in any Texas town big enough to have a Dairy Queen knows about soft serve ice cream. As most people know, soft serve is a frozen dessert that is softer than typical ice cream. It was actually invented by a British chemical research team (of which Margaret Thatcher was a member--who knew?). That team discovered a unique method of doubling the amount of air in ice cream to create this special product. Most consumers actually prefer the lighter texture of soft serve and so most major ice cream brands now use this manufacturing process.

In a similar way, most folks prefer being around those who serve others with a soft heart. A soft serving heart demonstrates a Christlike quality better than anything. In the world of ice cream, the right combination of air and temperature is as important to the taste of the finished product as the other ingredients. In the world of marriage and family, serving each other softly is as powerful as anything you might actually say or do. It's important to meet each other's emotional needs through daily gifts of affection and consideration. If this does not come naturally for you, fortunately, this can be developed further through learned behavior. Practice! You may already possess deep feelings of fondness for your mate or other family members and feel like that's enough. But I would challenge you to put wheels to your actions so that you can reveal those feelings more effectively.

Men may need extra help in the soft serve department. Dr. Kevin Leman says he has yet to meet a man who, after a long day at work, thinks to himself, "What I really need right now is a long, 45-minute talk with my wife!" But that may be exactly how a man might demonstrate a servant's heart best. After all, sacrificial love does not come naturally to anyone. But it's certainly the most rewarding love you can experience. Find simple ways to express your feelings to those you love. Call during the day. Send a warm email completely out of the blue. Make dinner together as a family. Go for a walk together with your kids and the dog. Smile at your spouse for no reason at all. Do something out of the ordinary that shows that you genuinely care deeply about those you love most.

Love is extra sweet when it's soft serve.

I Can't Do This On My Own!

It's so frustrating when you are in a struggling marriage and it seems that you are the only one fighting for the relationship. It stands to reason--nobody wants to be working on a relationship alone. But if this scenario fits you, one thing is absolutely clear: negative behavior only makes the situation worse. Let's say that your marriage is in a bad place--and you are convinced that your spouse is never going to change...or that your marriage will never ever improve. If you are 100% convinced of that, then you've thrown the towel in already. Please don't go there. Believe it or not, there is always hope for a better marriage!

Do resist the temptation to manipulate the other party into "behaving" and complying with your wishes. That kind of response from you is only going to drive the other person farther away. In fact, I've never once seen that approach work. Nor does nagging, begging or fit-throwing. A better plan is to start praying. Now is the time to surrender control. God knows your situation--better than you do, actually. And don't forget, He is all-powerful--powerful enough to create the world, right? So, clearly, it is definitely within the realm of God's capabilities to help you and your spouse in your marriage. But you have to faithfully believe that fact. You have to be totally convinced that nothing is impossible for God.

I've seen miracles of marriage restoration before. Impossible situations that dramatically reversed. Those kinds of miracles are in the hands of Someone who can move mountains. So my advice is to let Him! Meanwhile, what can you be doing from a practical standpoint? You can focus on this simple game plan: do the right thing! No matter what else is currently happening in your marriage, control what you can control. I'm guessing that things are currently in a bad emotional state right now if your marriage is suffering. But the good news is that with God's help, you can always control yourself. You absolutely cannot control your mate, but you can control yourself. Make sure that you are doing all you can do to respond with mature, honest and graceful behavior.

In all the situations where I've personally seen a bad marriage turn around, there was always someone that was praying fervently for that marriage. Why don't you be that person? Pray in faith, believing that good things will happen in God's timing. Moreover, get close trusted friends to be praying as well. By the way, Kellie and I would be more than happy to be praying for your marriage. You may email us at thehursts@homeencouragement.org

Remember that even in those times in your life when you feel like you are totally alone, you are never alone! So resist the inclination to try to save your marriage yourself.

Honor Those Vows

Marriage certainly has its periods of ups and downs--times of excitement, times of tremendous stress, times of mundane routine. During these swings of life, your emotions can leave you unprotected, even vulnerable. As the robot on Lost in Space used to say, "Danger! Danger!"

Make sure that your personal character and integrity are not subject to that emotional roller coaster. A good way to resist damaging temptation to your marriage is to have strong boundaries that don't allow for emotional connection with opposite sex friendships. Alistair Begg advises couples to adopt this axiom for their marriages: Do not take someone of the opposite sex into precincts that are the exclusive domain of your spouse. In other words: Don't be stupid!

A man is on dangerous ground when he thinks that he connects better with the lady at the office than he does with his wife. This is a very subtle trap, but one with lethal consequences. Remember the movie, Fatal Attraction? Now, that's a haunting image! Obviously, it's not going to be possible to avoid ever talking to someone of the opposite sex. But you can easily steer away from flirtatious conversations, let alone put yourself in even more compromising situations. You'll be a happier camper for sidestepping the drama.

Marital indiscretions take place, literally, every hour of the day. And, of course, Christians are just as vulnerable as anyone else. Temptation is no respecter of persons. When tempted, it's good to be reminded of the sincere vows that you and your spouse each took on your wedding day. It's also a wise thing to pray daily for God's protection over your marriage. This will help you avoid the traps of arrogance and foolishness.

Someone once defined the word "integrity" as what one really does when no one else is watching. Your integrity is worth more than gold. So flee temptation! And may your life be defined by good character and unshakable trust--which will in turn lead to a life of freedom and abundant living.

Quarterly Meetings

A few years ago, Kellie and I fell into the habit of scheduling quarterly rendezvous weekends at area hotels in our fair city. This allows us, while our kids are still at home, of getting away for a true romantic experience without having to drive clear across the state. We're close to home, if desperately needed, and we're not drained from traveling when our oasis time is over. Besides, living in Houston, there are some truly nice hotels and getaways to discover right here in our hometown.

Kellie figured out a couple of years ago the benefit of using any of the many online discount reservation services to book our hotel. We simply go on the travel site, type in "four-star hotel" for such-and-such weekend (at a very affordable price for us) and hold our breath to see what we get! We don't exactly know where we're going, but we know it will be nice. We do elegant meals (so many great restaurants to choose from) and just allow ourselves a genuinely romantic time together.

We mix up the experiences, too. One particular quarterly weekend, Kellie surprised me by agreeing for us to splurge and stay at the Inn at the Ballpark across from Minute Maid Park. We also happened to have tickets to the Astros/Cards game during an exciting pennant race. Well, of course, the game turned out to be fantastic. There were many late inning home runs that extended the contest into extra innings. We thoroughly enjoyed all thirteen thrilling innings and then simply walked across the street to our first-class hotel when the game ended. It was a total blast! And we would have never stayed for an entire night game before, let alone extra innings, due to our kids and a long drive across town to get home from the game.

Note: I'm so glad my wife genuinely loves baseball now. It makes a weekend like that possible. In the early years of our marriage, I would take Kellie regularly to opening day at the Astrodome and she would be invariably asleep in her seat by the third inning. However, these days, she's the one who has the game on TV before I do--I can't explain the metamorphosis! It must be not unlike my willingness in recent years to accompany her on some smaller shopping excursions--definitely not my cup of tea. I guess I finally realized I do like being with her and seeing her enjoy herself doing something she likes to do. Let's just say that twenty years of marriage and turning towards each other has softened our hearts towards the unthinkable-- quite a bit!

Anyway, the point is that it's important to get away regularly, if possible, and allow your marriage the chance to be special and romantic once again. There are so many pressures at home--balancing job demands, family issues, children, and even just the rigors of maintaining a home together. Having mini-getaways (even just an overnight will do it) inject new life and love into your marriage and remind you once again why you fell in love in the first place.

Your Marriage Report Card

One of the reasons Brett and I had such a passion to get involved in marriage ministry was because of the overwhelming number of people we personally knew who were getting divorced. For years we've been aware of the unbelievably high divorce rate among Americans, but it wasn't until recent years that we began to take interest in how a marriage begins to break down. After much thought and research, we've determined that every marriage rests in one of three categories ... we call them "The 3 C's".

Always and Never

In the heat of heavy disagreements in marriage, there are two common words that can be very destructive between couples: "always" and "never":

"You always spend more money than we have!"
"You never put my needs first!"
"He's always criticizing everything I do!"
"She never has time for me anymore!"

Using these words can be like launching flares to escalate unnecessary conflict in what can be a productive conversation. Somehow, by God's grace, Kellie and I learned fairly early in our marriage that using the words "always" and "never" in this context was not fair or loving. For one thing, we realized that it's usually not accurate to employ those words in conflict (after all, couples do often tend to exaggerate when hurt). We discovered it was usually better to use more realistic assessments like "sometimes", "occasionally" or "once in a while". Beyond that, it was even more helpful to take the accusatory sting out of those statements by putting them in first person. You can do this by saying "I feel":

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not an important priority when I'm ignored at breakfast."
"Once in a while I feel hurt when you forget to call to let me know you're coming home late."

The more often that spouses can consciously avoid extreme statements of blame, the better the chance of the area of conflict being worked out quickly. And then that keeps those points of contention from growing into full-blown contempt. It's a wise spouse that acts as an agent of grace whenever possible--even when you believe you have been wronged. Direct communication that is respectful and truthful will go a long way towards healing--versus more and more hurtful accusations.

If this has been a habitual style of communication in your marriage for many years, it will take some practice to reverse the trend. But take the initiative and the personal responsibility to go in a softer direction. Eventually, you will start moving more and more towards each other, which will usually lead towards more connection and less contention.

In The Eye of The Whirlwind of Parenting

Kellie and I are so extremely fortunate--we have two wonderful kids. The oldest is a veteran teenager. The youngest is just months away from his teen years. Our lives have been thoroughly blessed and enriched by them. Kellie and I often comment to each other that every new stage of parenting ends up becoming our very favorite stage of life. Honestly, all the different levels of parenting for us have also had their share of challenges, but, nevertheless, they have each been deeply rewarding and satisfying. We wouldn't change a thing.

That doesn't mean that we don't have any melodrama in our house. Au contraire! Our kids, like us, live very active lives. They are both heavily involved in so many things: academics, school leadership, athletics, church youth group activites--and they are both musicians. That's a whole lot to juggle. The tyrrany of the urgent is always lurking right outside our door. In addition to all of that, both of our kids still like being with their parents (usually) and so they both demand a lot of our time and focus....as it should be.

However, we have two foundations in our family that keep things in a livable perspective for us. Deep in the eye of all this whirlwind of activity, there are two anchors. The first one is that the foundation of our family is, without question, our relationship with Christ. We could lose everything we have, but we would always have that unbreakable bond with the Lord. That is the truth for all four of us individually. There is no greater comfort in life. That reality gives us a lot of ballast in our family and keeps us sane.

The second foundation of our family is that we try to keep our family marriage-centric. In other words, the marriage of the parents of these kids is the most important relationship in the family. As the married relationship of Mom and Dad goes, the rest of the family goes. That means that even though our kids are everything to us, they come just behind the priority of our marriage. Over time, I think our children have come to see the importance of this prioritization.

There are so many reasons to put the marriage first in a family. First of all, Kellie and I are (presumably) the adults in this family setup. And if our lives are not anchored, if our marriage tank is not full, then the whole family starts drifting into the cosmos. In our family, our value of a loving marriage at the top of the chain keeps our family structure from spinning out of control. In general, kids are not likely to just naturally be organized and responsible. They have to learn that from watching someone. In our family, we can't possibly have structure in our group unless our marriage is on track. Note: We're not always successful in keeping things on track, but that is our day-to-day goal.

Another reason is to, hopefully, model a healthy relationship for our kids--who will each one day be in their own dating and marriage relationships. We have the opportunity to show our children (who will be adults before we know it) what a loving relationship can be like. We have the best chance of anybody to impact our daughter and son towards dating and marriage health. Note: We're not always successful in modeling what a loving relationship can be like, but that is our day-to-day goal!

Finally, the health of their parents' marriage keeps our kids secure. The combination of that fact and their own relationship with Christ both give our kids the confidence to take risks and to venture out into the world to do their thing. They are a lot less prone to fear because of the security they have in their parents' marriage. So, needless to say, Kellie and I have a lot of extra incentive to enjoy a loving marriage....as if there wasn't enough incentive in the first place!

Our marriage is far from perfect. But it is healthy. Our family is far from perfect. But it is healthy. God gets all the credit. We've probably inadvertently done everything we can along the way to throw a wrench in the big picture with various schemes, fits, diversions and distractions. But with the Lord and a overall philosophy of a strong marriage at the eye of the hurricane, even we can't mess this thing up!

The Case For Christian Counseling

Sometimes in life, and particularly in marriage, it becomes apparent that we need a little extra help to get us through difficult stages of emotional struggle. There is certainly no shame at all in that. In that vein, we believe Christian counseling is a very important tool for any family in any important transition in life--or even when, from time to time, a person (or a marriage) just feels a little bit "stuck". Why Christian counseling? It's pretty simple. When receiving advice, people naturally want and need wisdom. Otherwise, what's the point of getting that counsel? And if that counselor, by God's grace, is coming from a biblical perspective, then there is a much better chance of figuring out the right path in which to go. You potentially won't waste as much time wandering in the desert.

We feel that there are many natural times in life to seek the skills of a professional, whether it's a pastor, a licensed professional counselor, or a psychologist. In addition, if your doctor feels that you are having a medical issue that is affecting you emotionally or mentally, he or she may recommend you seeing a psychiatrist. Again, there is no needed stigma or fear in that. A psychiatrist is simply a medical doctor who may prescribe medication if that is specifically needed (Still, we would recommend finding a Christian psychiatrist, if you need to go in that direction--someone who understands matters of the mind and heart and not just clinical approaches). At any rate, sometimes it can be a great relief to find out that you've been struggling with something minor physically and all you needed was a simple solution.

The bottom line here is don't suffer in silence. Get help when you need help. Have people in your life that are skilled in assisting you move forward when you need them. You and your family will benefit from realizing that we all have difficult periods in life. Fortunately, God has gifted many different types of helpers to give us the relief we need from time to time.

Date Night Haven

Right around the corner from our house is a little Italian restaurant. We can walk to it if we like. The beauty of it is that the food is excellent, the atmosphere is perfect, it's very close....and it's our little place, our haven away from the pressures of life. There have been countless times that I have been driving on my way home and I'll call Kellie, talk to her for just a second, and immediately I can feel the stress in her voice. Whenever I can, I'll ask, "Date night?" and she'll almost always answer loudly, "Yes!" We agree to meet at "our place". And then for the next 1-2 hours, we are in our own romantic spot, our little Italian restaurant, connecting in a way that's not always possible at home. For a few moments, we're free from work pressures, family pressures, and our intense schedule. It's a quick paradise of calm.

Find a place near your home that is your place--your date haven. It doesn't have to be the fanciest joint in town. In fact, my suggestion is to find a conveniently located restaurant to call your own where the food is good, the atmosphere is romantic enough, but where it's also okay not to dress up everytime. Honestly, there are so many times where Kellie and I don't have time to prepare ourselves and look nice. We don't care about that. In fact, sometimes we go to "our place" after one of our kid's events--even a ballgame. No time to get pretty. Just barely time enough to get away. But that's okay. The time together becomes a little oasis in the middle of lots of chaos. Here's hoping you can find yourselves such a place.