A Great Playlist

When I was a kid, growing up in Beaumont, Texas, I slept with the radio on all night. And it was always tuned into the dominant top 40 station in the Golden Triangle, KAYC 1450 AM--an excellent station at the time. I was so fortunate as a kid. This was during the period of radio that I think was the richest of all: 1969-1976 (pre-disco). Decades before the era of the Ipod, you could turn on KAYC at any time, day or night, and hear the most diverse playlist. In those days, you could hear (on a Top 40 station, mind you) a Santana song, then Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, then Aretha Franklin, then Charlie Rich, then Led Zeppelin, then The Supremes, then Clapton, then James Taylor, then maybe an old early Beatles song--and this could happen all in the same hour! It was phenomenal.

During this golden age of pop music, the rule nationwide for Top 40 was that a song had to be a great song--it didn't matter at all what style it was--as long as it resonated with the American public. Every week I couldn't wait to listen to Casey Kasem's American Top 40 to see what new cool tunes and styles were coming out. Back in those great days, virtually all the songs that made that list were at least pretty good songs. Most of them were excellent. And there was so much variety of style. It kept radio so interesting.

Radio stinks now. Sorry. Everything's sterilized, homogenized and pasteurized--and it all sounds the same. Thanks to the suits in the music business (emphasis) there will never again be the kind of free market for good songs like there were back in the day. No one wants to take those risks anymore--at least as far as radio goes. That's why I'm strictly an Ipod guy now.

Variety is the spice of life. In marriage, this is no exception. Over the course of a lifelong relationship, a few surprises are vital to the health of a flourishing relationship. Create a variety of exciting experiences for the one you love that are out of the ordinary. It's so easy to fall into predictable and dull routines, even in happy marriages--and then wonder what's going on elsewhere. That can be dangerous.

Don't let your marriage go the way of the glory days of Top 40 radio. Instead, protect it. Nurture that variety. Try something different together. Drive somewhere new for a change. Go for some surprises. Keep your spouse guessing about what super nice thing you might do next for them. Keep them guessing. If you do, your marriage is bound to be a big hit. It might even go to number one.

After The Storm

It's no secret that Houstonians and people all over the upper Texas coast have suffered some devastating effects recently from Hurricane Ike. While, at this writing, many people in the city still don't have power, many area homeowners have made some early assessments of storm damage to their property. For a lot of families, the decision to jump right into clean-up mode of their homes and property was an easy one. In fact, for many, while waiting for power to return, clearing debris and making minor repairs gave those families a needed project--something they could proactively do to get their lives back to normal.

For other folks, the devastation has been much more severe. For instance, many homes that originally existed on Bolivar Peninsula, north of Galveston, prior to the storm, no longer exist. They have been blown away completely, leaving nothing but a foundation. Obviously, the only choice those families will have is whether or not to rebuild those houses.

Over the course of time, massive storms hit marriages, too. When a big storm blows hard against a marriage, there can also be devastating results. Storms against a marriage might come in the form of job loss, an affair, a serious illness, perhaps even a death in the family. However, sometimes, even when something traumatic happens to a marriage, the damage can remain minimal. Those couples in those situations might benefit from merely tidying up a bit, maybe purging some of the debris of an unhealthy relationship. Working together, that couple can probably repair the damage themselves and become stronger as a couple in the process.

But what do you do when your house seems to be blown away completely? What happens when there seems to be nothing left of your home after a major storm? Good question. If there's a strong foundation remaining, a more dramatic decision can still be made together--whether or not to rebuild. Obviously, rebuilding a home from the ground up is a much more challenging project. But families do it all the time. Rebuilding certainly requires more work. It usually requires assistance from professionals. And rebuilding requires a long-term, big-picture approach along with a lot of patience and faith. But the benefits of rebuilding can be so worth it. The end result can be a more beautiful home that is stronger and better built than it ever was.

Caring for a loving home is a great responsibility and privilege--and it's always hard work. Hang in there to do what you can to make the most of the blessing you have been given. Be proactive to do what you can to keep your home strong and in good repair.

How To Have a Healthier Marriage

An amazing fact is that any couple that together wants to grow their marriage can take their relationship to another level. Sometimes couples want to improve their marriage themselves but don't always know how to get started. The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center has published a list of ten tips you can use to strengthen your marriage:

1. Spend Time with Each Other - Simply stated, married partners need time with each other in order to grow strong together. Plan regularly scheduled date nights and weekend activities. Forget the "quality vs. quantity time" discussion--healthy marriages need both.

2. Learn To Negotiate Conflict - Conflict is a normal part of a relationship. There is a point however when it can increase in in intensity and become emotionally and sometimes physically unsafe. There are many resources available to help you learn how to deal with conflict more effectively.

3. Show Respect for Each Other at All Times - Treating your partner as you would like to be treated will do a lot to strengthen the bond between you. Research shows that nothing can damage a relationship quicker than criticisms and put-downs. Paying your partner a compliment is a quick and easy way to show them respect.

4. Learn About Yourself First - Many partners enter into relationships without knowing enough about themselves. As a result they can also have difficulty learning about their partners. Imagine the intimacy you will share over a lifetime together if you commit to discovering new things about yourselves and each other!

5. Explore Intimacy - This does not always mean sexuality. An often forgotten aspect of intimacy is the emotional type. Learn the difference between emotional and physical intimacy and when each one is most appropriate.

6. Explore Common Interests - Doing things separately is not bad at all but common interests are important to healthy marriages. A common interest may be cooking or eating new foods together, going for walks or playing cards. The goal is to have something outside of your family that you both enjoy.

7. Create a Spiritual Connection - Growing together spiritually may the most important bond that you can create together as a couple. Learning how to pray together is a very intimate and binding experience.

8. Improve Your Communication Skills - You should never assume your partner knows what you are thinking or feeling. Tell your spouse what is going on--and as a spouse, know when to simply listen.

9. Forgive Each Other - If he or she hasn't already, your partner is going to do something that hurts, frustrates or upsets you. Guess what, you are going to do the same thing! Try to allow your partner some room to make a few mistakes. When you make a mistake, act quickly to apologize and fix problems.

10. Look for the Best in Each Other - When you met your partner, you fell in love with some of his or her wonderful qualities. Over time your view of those qualities may have changed. Create a list of all the things you love about your partner. It will help you to fall in love all over again!

David Jones, a Certified Family Life Educator and author of a variety of relationship tools for fathers, contributed to this tip sheet. These tips are designed to assist couples in improving their relationships; however, they are not meant to be a substitute for professional help and advice.

The Marriage-Centric Family

(from Kellie) When speaking of traditional nuclear families, the family literally begins with the relationship between a husband and wife. After the first child comes along, it's easy for this man and woman (now parents) to turn all of their attention and energy toward the rearing of their precious little one. The marriage relationship begins to be less of a priority, getting placed on the back burner. As the family grows, more time and effort are given to raising the children, and the love relationship that started the family in the first place easily loses its rank. This is what's known as a "kid-centric" family--the family that places the wants and needs of the children above the wants and needs of the marriage.

One might think this is the logical way to steer a family ... after all, we only have our kids with us for a relatively short time, then they're gone. Shouldn't we devote all we can to them? Unfortunately, it is all too common for empty nest parents to look at one another after the last child has left home and say, "Who are you?" Many husbands and wives feel they don't have the right to put themselves first occasionally by pursuing each other romantically. Dating goes by the wayside, and usually intimacy and even friendship follow. Couples end up feeling like roommates who love their children.

I don't think this is what God has in mind for marriage. I believe children feel most secure when they see their parents loving one another, prioritizing their love relationship. A happy marriage is one of the richest gifts we can give our children. It gives them a sense of strength to know they can rely on their parents' marriage, especially in a culture where divorce is so common. This is what's known as a "marriage-centric" family. Rather than the kids being the hub of the wheel, it's now Mom and Dad. After all, the relationship that got the family started in the first place will hopefully be the relationship that continues long after the kids have grown and have gone off and started their own families. What good would it do to raise wonderful children, and lose our marriage along the way?

Getting the Right Perspective

Kellie and I are in contact all the time with hurting couples. It's a wonderful privilege to serve in this way, although often a very difficult one. We so want couples to have relief from their suffering.

It's important to note that, often times, how a couple or even just an individual views their painful circumstances can be the dominant source of their depression, anger or anxiety. That's why it's so important for hurting spouses to get the right perspective about their situation. This is particularly helpful when a pain is something that temporarily or permanently can't be fixed--or a loss that won't go away.

One of my late father's favorite verses was Romans 12:2 where Paul said, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--His, good, pleasing and perfect will."

This whole business about being transformed by the renewing of your mind is critical. To be honest, in the world of loss and crisis, it can be very difficult to see things clearly. Often in these situations, we tend to default to a deep-rooted worldly pattern of how we might have approached life in the past, particularly under pressure. And in many of those cases, our mindset is focused on us--our need and/or excruciating pain in the situation. And being engulfed by that focus can crush our spirit.

But the Word of God can give us unprecedented courage in the midst of hard times. My teenage son particularly likes to read the "faith chapter" of the Bible, the eleventh chapter of the book of Hebrews. In that passage are story after story of how heroes responded with a fresh injection of courage from God--all from being renewed by a perspective from heaven.

If you're currently in what seems like a hopeless situation, God knows all about it. And the Scriptures are clear that He most definitely does not desire calamity for you. It's so important to have confidence in God's faithfulness, His power and His sovereignty. In God's grand global economy, what seems hopeless to us is just an opportunity for the Lord to do the unthinkable--and all because He loves us.

Step back from your situation for a few minutes and catch your breath. Now, surrender control and allow God to take total direction in your situation. His way is always going to be the most compassionate and most effective solution. Spend time in the promises of God's unchanging Word (if you don't have a collection of Bible promises, you can easily obtain one at your local bookstore--that's a very handy thing to have near you).

I can promise you, trusting the Lord and renewing your perspective on your situation is the best move you could ever make--for you, for your marriage, and for the future of your family. Let Him steer the ship and see what happens.

Why Marriage Matters

According to the Administration for Children and Families, Health and Human Services, Washington D.C., (and several other sources), there are multiple reasons why healthy marriages increase social health. Here are some of the primary advantages: Statistically, married couples have better overall physical health and mental health--which only increases with happy marriages. Married couples suffer less injuries, less illness, and less disability. They typically live longer, and have children who are physically healthier, as well as are more emotionally stable. With marriage also comes a lower infant mortality rate, a lower rate of child abuse, and lower rates of STDs.

Whew! That's quite a list of incentives for marriage, in general. And, again, healthier marriages just increase all of those statistics further. But for couples to have healthier marriages, it requires intentionality and prioritization within that marriage--to make the marriage stronger, better. Kellie and I recommend that couples become students of marriage. Read at least one good book on marriage enrichment each year. Attend a retreat or pro-marriage weekend once annually. Take a few minutes to take a good online relationship inventory each year--maybe around your wedding anniversary. And make sure that you are still dating, playing, and having fun with each other--muy importante!!

If you have any questions or comments about any of these suggestions and want more details or information, please contact us at thehursts@homeencouragement.org . We'd be glad to help you and your spouse move forward with a more intentional (and more satisfying) marriage. That's why we're here.

Be Aware of The Affair

According to the Journal of Psychology and Christianity, as many as 65 percent of men and 55 percent of women will have an extramarital affair by the time they are forty. That is an overwhelming statistic and one that could have drastic ramifications on our society. However, we believe there are proactive steps you can take to avoid being part of those statistics. One of the most helpful things is to be on guard against danger traps of affairs--for instance, being informed about the potential pitfalls.

In Dave Carder's and Duncan Jaenicke's book, Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs (Moody), Carder reports that adultery and divorce rates in the evangelical population are nearly the same as the general population in America. In other words, being a Christian does not lessen our chances of having an affair. Any student of the life of King David will agree with that fact.

In an interview with Cindy Crosby of Marriage Partnership magazine, Dave Carder talked about the three types of affairs. The "Class One" affair is what Carder calls the one-night stand--no lasting connection. He further describes the "Class Two" affair as a love relationship that starts as a friendship and it grows primarily because of a deficit in the marriage. These relationships typically have a powerful emotional connection that involve some type of shared orientation. Finally, the "Class Three" affair is one that involves sexual addiction.

Carder further states that the fastest growing rate of infidelity is among young married women. Many of those have suffered some type of sexual abuse in the past. Others are the adult children of divorce. In either of these cases, the expectations for their own marriage is that it will make up this deficit that comes from their family of origin. In addition, "intimacy deficits" may exist as well from childhood--perhaps from a lack of touching, hugging, affirmation or affection. All of us have deficits. For this reason, it can be very important to be aware of which ones you have.

Emotional affairs can be just as dangerous to a marriage. They can be between two people who merely just share their feelings for each other. But they can be supercharged with emotion. The sound of his or her voice, the writing style in a note or email--they can all be heavily loaded. These affairs are also easily rationalized. Carder says that if confronted, people in emotional affairs will insist they've done nothing wrong. But these individuals rob their marriages of emotional energy. They will save topics of conversation for the person in the emotional affair, rather than share them with their spouse. These are often the hardest affairs to recover from, because there is no guilt.

Secret affairs are potentially devastating to a relationship--but they can be overcome. Don't be discouraged! Many, many marriages recover from affairs and become stronger, more loving relationships than ever before. Prayer, humility, patience, and a strong faith can all be extremely helpful qualities for recovery. A good Christian therapist, counselor or a pastor can be particularly helpful with guidance and accountability to help the recovery process stay on track. Home Encouragement is available to point the direction toward several resources. If you need assistance in this area, please feel free to contact us at thehursts@homeencouragement.org.

The Cost of the Breakdown of the Family

In recent years, many Americans have figured out that the disintegration of families impacts children significantly. But according to a new study released last month, divorce and unwed parenting also cost U.S. taxpayers at least $112 billion annually. Furthermore, in an article written by Devon Williams, associate editor of CitizenLink, it is stated that the same study cites that national, state and local costs--over $1 trillion over the last decade--are caused, in part by high poverty rates of single, female-headed households, which lead to higher spending on welfare, criminal justice and education programs.

David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values, which is associated with the study, said that reducing family fragmentation rates by just 1 percent would save taxpayers $1.1 billion.

"This study documents for the first time that divorce and unwed childbearing--besides being bad for children--are also costing taxpayers a ton of money", Blankenhorn said.

Randy Hicks, president of the Georgia Family Council, stated that these figures represent real people and real suffering.

"Both economic and human costs make family fragmentation a legitimate public concern," Hicks said. "And while we'll never eliminate divorce and unwed childbearing entirely, we can certainly be doing more to help marriages and families succeed."

It's apparent from these reports that an investment in healthy marriages and strong families is an investment in the future of more economically sound communities. It's also evident that it's going to take a united and concerted effort from each of us to reverse this trend--with God's help, of course.

Marriage Mentoring

The following is an interview with David and Sue Harkins, our "partners in crime" in a marriage mentoring ministry that we recently set up together at our church, Memorial Drive Presbyterian Church in Houston. The Harkins have been married fifteen years and have three elementary school children. They are great friends of ours, a lot of fun, and they share our commitment to helping marriages grow stronger through couple-to-couple connections. Here is our exchange:

What does marriage mentoring mean to you?

To us, marriage mentoring is when we come alongside another married couple and get to know them on a more intimate basis. That process may include walking with that couple through a troubled time, perhaps assisting them through a challenge that we've already experienced before, encouraging them, or even just simply listening to what is going on in their marriage relationship. The hope is to show that other couple that they are not alone in their issues--others have been there and survived! The focus on marriage and making the relationship better benefits both married couples. In fact, just meeting on a regular basis keeps both marriages on the "front burner".

Why were the two of you drawn to marriage mentoring?

We've been married for 15 years, and the early years of our marriage were rocky! We were on separate paths, we did not communicate our concerns to each other, and we certainly had not placed God at the center of our relationship. However, thanks to God, we worked through some major issues during those first few years, and gained a trust and communication level that we had not had in our marriage before. We discussed and reflected on our own challenges and understood them to be gifts that could be shared to help other marriages survive and thrive. Marriage is hard work, and we realize that the more attention we give it, the better it is!

What do you hope to see as a result of couples getting together like this?

Well, certainly stronger marriages and families--and, over time, a lowering of the divorce rate and the consequences that go with that separation. We hope that couples will realize that there is hope in any situation, and with God all things are possible! We hope that couples won't settle for just a "good" marriage, but will strive for a "great" marriage!

What's the difference between this and marriage counseling?

Marriage mentors are not usually licensed counselors; they are, however, listening ears with a love for God and a love for the institution of marriage. Marriage mentors will listen, and give advice and encouragement where appropriate. But for those critical issues, a counselor will be referred.

What do couples need to do if they are interested in being mentored?

It's as easy as 1-2-3! 1. Contact us by either phone or email. 2. Complete the mentee application. 3. Pray for God to match you with the appropriate mentor couple.

How often do couples need to meet?

It is really up to the mentoring and mentee couples. There are no requirements. However, a suggested timetable would be to visit as much as once a month to perhaps once a quarter, depending on the issues, needs and relationships. Our hope is that the couples will meet on a regular basis for at least one year.

What has helped your own marriage stay strong?

Our marriage has stayed strong mainly through commitment. Commitment to each other through good times and bad. Commitment to learn and share on a continual basis on a variety of marriage topics. Commitment to keeping Christ in our marriage and to always seek what God wants for us in this special life partnership He has given us.

For more information on marriage mentoring at MDPC, contact the Harkins at dsharkins@sbcglobal.net or the Hursts at thehursts@homeencouragement.org . You may also contact Brett Hurst at MDPC at 713-490-0930.

Matters of the Heart

Not too long ago, I heard Gary Smalley, author of The DNA of Relationships, speak at a conference on relationships. Since I've been a big fan of Smalley for years (he does make me laugh), I always feel like I've heard all of his stories and insights before. Yet, every time I hear him speak, he always manages to surprise me with something powerful. Most of this below is not rocket science stuff--yet it's still amazingly profound. These are among the takeaways I picked up from him at his recent session:

Why is marriage so hard? Because after we're married we start picking on our spouses to try to change them. Trying to change someone is the exact worst thing we could do. Gary's personal lesson learned: no more finger pointing--you cannot change another person!


Finger pointing causes disconnect and an "unsafe place". If you're with someone safe in a relationship, you'll open up. If you're with someone unsafe, you won't. Take responsibility in your relationship: create a safe place for the one you love.


Definition of insanity: doing the same thing the same way expecting a different result.


Gary's confession to his wife: "I realize that I was never designed to be your Holy Spirit. I've been wrong. Will you forgive me?"


The quality of your life does not depend on the actions of your mate. The quality of life does not depend on your circumstances or your stuff. The quality of your life depends essentially on the beliefs you store in your own heart. Therefore it is important to memorize "heart" and "mind" scriptures such as:

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--think on these things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:8-9)

Take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord", and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. (Romans 10:9-10)

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. (John 8:32)


Making scriptures such as these part of your heart makeup will gradually change your life--and help you improve your most important relationships. Of course, there are many, many more good verses that apply to healthy relationships available in scripture. Gary adds that irritating mates help you know what verses to go to!


For more insights and helpful information from Gary Smalley, visit the website of The Smalley Relationship Center.

Let's Get Physical

It's not atypical for one spouse to have a lower drive for physical affection than the other. But that doesn't mean that physical demonstrations of love aren't, nonetheless, very necessary for a life together. Affectionate playfulness, especially non-sexual touch, is a very important component of a healthy marriage. If demonstrating your love in this regard is hard for you, consider some of the following suggestions:


Don't be coy. Move toward your spouse in some demonstrative way.

Initiate the first affectionate advance, particularly if that is something that does NOT come easily for you. Your spouse may have to be picked off of the floor!

Give your spouse a kiss--this may seem obvious, but maybe it's been a while since you have made a conscious effort to do it for no reason. Minimum time length suggestion: 30 seconds.

Surprise your partner with a back rub. This could reap great dividends later!

Get back to basics: try holding hands again. Do you remember what a thrill that was when you were first dating?

Be affectionate in the daytime, even the morning. Go ahead, you can do it.

Make an effort to give a long, firm hug in the kitchen. Research tells us how invaluable hugs are to general well-being and health. If you want a happier marriage AND you want to live longer....

If you are the one in the marriage with the lower sex drive, plan a time and a way where you would feel most comfortable being the one initiating sex. Again, your spouse may need to call 911.


Life is too short to not enjoy a healthy physically intimate relationship with the one you love. Move toward your spouse in the ways that you think he or she will appreciate it most. As the old Alka-Seltzer commercial said, "Try it....you'll like it!"

More on Marriage with Trisha Taylor

This is a continuation of my interview with author/counselor Trisha Taylor (pictured above with her family):

Trisha, why is the institution of marriage so important to a community?

Marriage is the basic molecule of community life. There is something about making a commitment to marriage that makes people more stable, both emotionally and financially, and more committed to community goals. The research is clear on this. Married people tend to share the goals of the community--to protect and support the next generation and to prepare them for productive lives. Although most married people feel as though they are overwhelmed by life's demands, they do actually have more financial and emotional resources than single people do and this is good for children and for the community.

Even though you and your family now live and serve in Austin, you continue to have a lot of interaction with ministry leaders in Houston. What things would you like to see happen in this city in regards to marriage?

I would love to see every congregation in the city involved in marriage mentoring--a process by which experienced couples intentionally support couples who are newer to marriage. I would also love to see every pastor and congregational minister in the city take seriously the call of Jesus to love--beginning with his/her own family. Many clergy marriages are a disaster and siphon important resources of time and energy away from kingdom work, not to mention leaving behind a long trail of hurt, anger, and disillusionment. I would also love to see an even greater commitment to premarital preparation. I think most pastors recognize the importance of helping couples get ready for the marriage, not just the wedding. However, the delivery system--usually a few sessions with the pastor or a Christian counselor--is no longer an effective way of reaching this generation of brides and grooms. I want to see premarital prepartion taken to the next level...and I want to be part of that! I want churches to see that supporting marriages is one of the most strategic things they can do--healthy marriages really do change the future.

We certainly agree with you. Let me ask you a different question. You're a therapist and writer. You're husband is a pastor. What are the particular challenges of a dual ministry marriage?

Many of our challenges are no different from the challenges most people face--finding the time and energy to do all the things we truly value. One important difference, though, might be in other people's expectations of us. Although we have been blessed to be in very supportive ministry settings, it is still true that other people tend to feel that they have a certain ownership over the pastor and his/her family. We've had to learn to be very clear about our boundaries and to create a safe haven at home. Another thing for our family has been separating out what is "his", "mine", and "ours". Even though our ministries overlap in many ways, we both also need to have our own spheres of influence. Dual ministry marriages are very complex but are also full of blessing--in a lot of ways, we share more than most couples do and we speak the same language.

Thanks, Trisha, for your wonderful insights into marriage! We look forward to working with you on joint projects in future months.

Interview with Trisha Taylor

Kellie and I are excited about partnering on some upcoming projects with Trisha Taylor. Trisha is a veteran counselor, speaker, consultant and author. She and her husband Craig recently left a 13-year ministry in Houston to serve at Manchaca Baptist Church, south of Austin. They have been married 22 years and have two teenagers. She enjoys hanging out with Craig, reading and good friendships. Here is part one of a recent exchange:

Trisha, you have worked with marriages for some time. What first attracted you to the area of helping marriages succeed?

I have to say, first of all, that I'm a big fan of marriage. My own marriage has been such a delightful surprise that I really do long for all couples to experience everything marriage can be. I believe that God gave us marriage to heal us--and yet, most of us continue to wound each other in our relationships. I also believe that working with people on their marriages is extremely high-leverage. When a couple changes their marriage, they change the future. The blessings continue in their children's lives and the generations beyond.

That is so true. Because of those future dividends, helping marriages can be very rewarding work. You have a particular heart for couples in the early stages of marriage. What do you think are the common pitfalls in the first two years of marriage?

One of the first things that couples have to learn after marriage is to balance togetherness and autonomy. How much of this relationship is "me" and how much is "we"? And, of course, usually opposites attract here, so we have two people with completely different answers to the question! Another thing that we face in early marriage (usually on the honeymoon!) is our own selfishness. We realize that we're being called to a level of selfless love that we've never before experienced before. It is human nature to resist that call. After all, we married our partners because they were supposed to meet our needs! Are we really ready to follow up on our vow to "love, honor and cherish" no matter what? And then, of course, couples in early marriage have to decide how they're going to handle conflict.

From your experience, what are other transitions of a married life that are particularly stressful?

Research is pretty clear that marital satisfaction plummets after the birth of the first child. That's not a reason not to have a baby since it does eventually return, but it's something that most couples are completely unprepared for. I think we could do a lot to prevent this or at least soften the blow. Another difficult transition is from the early intensity of "first love", which makes both partners talk more and touch more. When it wears off--literally, when the chemicals cause it to go away--it can feel like "falling out of love." Of course, anyone who's been married awhile will say that it gives way to something more precious--but it's still hard.

So marriage, like any worthwhile endeavor, requires hard work. What are things that can help that work go smoother between a married couple?

Two things: humor and respect. Humor means the ability to laugh at myself and at our situation as well as the ability to take things lightly when that's appropriate. Early in our marriage, I learned from my husband that not everything is personal and not everything is life-and-death. (Of course, he learned from me that some things are!) I would hate to be in a marriage where everything is taken so seriously and there is little room to tease and laugh or have fun--even when (and this is important) things are not perfect or easy between us. That would feel like hard work! Respect is the other thing that smoothes things out while we work on our stuff. If I know that my husband respects me, I don't have to be defensive or resistant when we have problems. I can trust that he is looking for a solution that is good for both of us--just like I am. Likewise, when a husband feels respected, he'll do almost anything for his wife.


We'll continue this conversation with Trisha in the next post.