Matters of the Heart

Not too long ago, I heard Gary Smalley, author of The DNA of Relationships, speak at a conference on relationships. Since I've been a big fan of Smalley for years (he does make me laugh), I always feel like I've heard all of his stories and insights before. Yet, every time I hear him speak, he always manages to surprise me with something powerful. Most of this below is not rocket science stuff--yet it's still amazingly profound. These are among the takeaways I picked up from him at his recent session:

Why is marriage so hard? Because after we're married we start picking on our spouses to try to change them. Trying to change someone is the exact worst thing we could do. Gary's personal lesson learned: no more finger pointing--you cannot change another person!


Finger pointing causes disconnect and an "unsafe place". If you're with someone safe in a relationship, you'll open up. If you're with someone unsafe, you won't. Take responsibility in your relationship: create a safe place for the one you love.


Definition of insanity: doing the same thing the same way expecting a different result.


Gary's confession to his wife: "I realize that I was never designed to be your Holy Spirit. I've been wrong. Will you forgive me?"


The quality of your life does not depend on the actions of your mate. The quality of life does not depend on your circumstances or your stuff. The quality of your life depends essentially on the beliefs you store in your own heart. Therefore it is important to memorize "heart" and "mind" scriptures such as:

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--think on these things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:8-9)

Take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord", and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. (Romans 10:9-10)

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. (John 8:32)


Making scriptures such as these part of your heart makeup will gradually change your life--and help you improve your most important relationships. Of course, there are many, many more good verses that apply to healthy relationships available in scripture. Gary adds that irritating mates help you know what verses to go to!


For more insights and helpful information from Gary Smalley, visit the website of The Smalley Relationship Center.