Be Aware of The Affair

According to the Journal of Psychology and Christianity, as many as 65 percent of men and 55 percent of women will have an extramarital affair by the time they are forty. That is an overwhelming statistic and one that could have drastic ramifications on our society. However, we believe there are proactive steps you can take to avoid being part of those statistics. One of the most helpful things is to be on guard against danger traps of affairs--for instance, being informed about the potential pitfalls.

In Dave Carder's and Duncan Jaenicke's book, Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs (Moody), Carder reports that adultery and divorce rates in the evangelical population are nearly the same as the general population in America. In other words, being a Christian does not lessen our chances of having an affair. Any student of the life of King David will agree with that fact.

In an interview with Cindy Crosby of Marriage Partnership magazine, Dave Carder talked about the three types of affairs. The "Class One" affair is what Carder calls the one-night stand--no lasting connection. He further describes the "Class Two" affair as a love relationship that starts as a friendship and it grows primarily because of a deficit in the marriage. These relationships typically have a powerful emotional connection that involve some type of shared orientation. Finally, the "Class Three" affair is one that involves sexual addiction.

Carder further states that the fastest growing rate of infidelity is among young married women. Many of those have suffered some type of sexual abuse in the past. Others are the adult children of divorce. In either of these cases, the expectations for their own marriage is that it will make up this deficit that comes from their family of origin. In addition, "intimacy deficits" may exist as well from childhood--perhaps from a lack of touching, hugging, affirmation or affection. All of us have deficits. For this reason, it can be very important to be aware of which ones you have.

Emotional affairs can be just as dangerous to a marriage. They can be between two people who merely just share their feelings for each other. But they can be supercharged with emotion. The sound of his or her voice, the writing style in a note or email--they can all be heavily loaded. These affairs are also easily rationalized. Carder says that if confronted, people in emotional affairs will insist they've done nothing wrong. But these individuals rob their marriages of emotional energy. They will save topics of conversation for the person in the emotional affair, rather than share them with their spouse. These are often the hardest affairs to recover from, because there is no guilt.

Secret affairs are potentially devastating to a relationship--but they can be overcome. Don't be discouraged! Many, many marriages recover from affairs and become stronger, more loving relationships than ever before. Prayer, humility, patience, and a strong faith can all be extremely helpful qualities for recovery. A good Christian therapist, counselor or a pastor can be particularly helpful with guidance and accountability to help the recovery process stay on track. Home Encouragement is available to point the direction toward several resources. If you need assistance in this area, please feel free to contact us at thehursts@homeencouragement.org.