Kellie and I are excited about partnering on some upcoming projects with Trisha Taylor. Trisha is a veteran counselor, speaker, consultant and author. She and her husband Craig recently left a 13-year ministry in Houston to serve at Manchaca Baptist Church, south of Austin. They have been married 22 years and have two teenagers. She enjoys hanging out with Craig, reading and good friendships. Here is part one of a recent exchange:
Trisha, you have worked with marriages for some time. What first attracted you to the area of helping marriages succeed?
I have to say, first of all, that I'm a big fan of marriage. My own marriage has been such a delightful surprise that I really do long for all couples to experience everything marriage can be. I believe that God gave us marriage to heal us--and yet, most of us continue to wound each other in our relationships. I also believe that working with people on their marriages is extremely high-leverage. When a couple changes their marriage, they change the future. The blessings continue in their children's lives and the generations beyond.
That is so true. Because of those future dividends, helping marriages can be very rewarding work. You have a particular heart for couples in the early stages of marriage. What do you think are the common pitfalls in the first two years of marriage?
One of the first things that couples have to learn after marriage is to balance togetherness and autonomy. How much of this relationship is "me" and how much is "we"? And, of course, usually opposites attract here, so we have two people with completely different answers to the question! Another thing that we face in early marriage (usually on the honeymoon!) is our own selfishness. We realize that we're being called to a level of selfless love that we've never before experienced before. It is human nature to resist that call. After all, we married our partners because they were supposed to meet our needs! Are we really ready to follow up on our vow to "love, honor and cherish" no matter what? And then, of course, couples in early marriage have to decide how they're going to handle conflict.
From your experience, what are other transitions of a married life that are particularly stressful?
Research is pretty clear that marital satisfaction plummets after the birth of the first child. That's not a reason not to have a baby since it does eventually return, but it's something that most couples are completely unprepared for. I think we could do a lot to prevent this or at least soften the blow. Another difficult transition is from the early intensity of "first love", which makes both partners talk more and touch more. When it wears off--literally, when the chemicals cause it to go away--it can feel like "falling out of love." Of course, anyone who's been married awhile will say that it gives way to something more precious--but it's still hard.
So marriage, like any worthwhile endeavor, requires hard work. What are things that can help that work go smoother between a married couple?
Two things: humor and respect. Humor means the ability to laugh at myself and at our situation as well as the ability to take things lightly when that's appropriate. Early in our marriage, I learned from my husband that not everything is personal and not everything is life-and-death. (Of course, he learned from me that some things are!) I would hate to be in a marriage where everything is taken so seriously and there is little room to tease and laugh or have fun--even when (and this is important) things are not perfect or easy between us. That would feel like hard work! Respect is the other thing that smoothes things out while we work on our stuff. If I know that my husband respects me, I don't have to be defensive or resistant when we have problems. I can trust that he is looking for a solution that is good for both of us--just like I am. Likewise, when a husband feels respected, he'll do almost anything for his wife.
We'll continue this conversation with Trisha in the next post.
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