Great Expectations: Married Life Without Conflict

There are so many mistaken notions about marriage. Many couples first go into this most special relationship in what I'll call a "fog". What causes the fog? All kinds of things: the blissful dreamy state of being in love, romanticized high ideals about the "perfect" relationship, and, usually, a lot of sexual attraction. While inside the fog, things are ironically nice and warm and all seems right with the world. But, like with any fog, it doesn't last forever. Eventually you come out the other side. And then where are you?

I think it's easy to say that the vast majority of married couples go into this lifelong venture not understanding how difficult marriage really is. Oh, if only we could spend the rest of our lives in the Cayman Islands on the eternal honeymoon! In addition, a lot of young couples mistakenly believe that because you are in love you will always be living in perfect harmony. Sorry. It doesn't work that way. Conflict is an inevitable part of marriage. Well, good grief, what would you expect with two people, any two people, determining that they are going to try to live with each other for the rest of their lives? Naturally those two will have conflict! (Just think about your college roommates--was it always utopia every single second?)

Marital conflict is not a bad thing. Really. Now don't get me wrong. I've known too many people in my life that live for conflict. That's not what I'm talking about here. Why willingly seek out conflict? There's never a need to do that. Believe me, conflict will eventually will find you! No, I'm merely talking here about facing an important reality regarding marriage. Marital conflict exists! But believe it or not, healthy marital conflict is actually one of the greatest friends of a growing marriage.

By the way, marriage expert John Gottman has a lot of interesting things to say about resolving conflict. Gottman has studied marriages intensively for many years and he has come to a remarkable conclusion strictly based on statistical data from his work. He cites that on average, 68% of marital conflict is not resolvable! That's more than two thirds of the marital conflict situations that occur with the average couple. Wow! Does that shock you? It shocked us the first time we heard that information (it was kind of a relief, to tell you the truth)! For more details about Gottman's findings, I recommend his excellent book, The Seven Principles For Making A Marriage Work.

So what does Gottman's statistic about marital conflict mean? It means we'd better adjust our lofty expectations of what marriage is really like. Marital conflict is obviously a force to be reckoned with. Certainly couples need to get versed on how to resolve the conflict in their marriage--that is, the conflict that is resolvable. But they also need to know how to live with the conflict that is not. Personally, I ultimately feel that only through the benefits of knowing Christ can a couple learn how to navigate, accept and even, yes, enjoy the conflict that will always be present in any marriage. And think about it, once a couple grows together to that point of emotional maturity, they can handle just about anything.

There's nothing wrong with being in a fog when you first meet. There's nothing wrong with being in a fog when you're newlyweds. In fact, I enjoy plenty of foggy periods now in my middle-aged years (hmmm....that didn't sound right)! But I also don't get discouraged when the bubble of great expectations bursts from time to time. I realize now that marriage is a rich experience of highs and lows with the Lord holding it all together. Because God is directing our lives and He cares for us, I know I can trust that it's all part of the big plan--and that it's all working together for good. So, in a way, my expectations about marriage, are greater than ever now.