It's a Tough Job, But Somebody's Got To Do It!

Most of us don't go into our marriage experience doing a whole lot of talking about our sex knowledge (or lack of knowledge). That's unfortunate because healthy discussion in this area can go a long way towards a more complete and satisfying marriage. Jim Burns says that many of the more common reasons for a lack of satisfaction in sex matters have really nothing to do with age, marital status or physical fitness. Just like any other component of marriage, physical intimacy can either be only a functional part of the relationship or it can be a deeply meaningful form of expression. This difference is in how much work a couple is willing to do together.

Dr. Cliff Penner and his wife, Joyce, are sex therapists who have written many books on sex education and sexual enhancement for married couples. Here are some of their suggestions:

-Remember that our sexuality is a gift from God--embrace the gift!

-Sexual pleasure within marriage is encouraged--don't ignore the problems. Make sex a priority in your marriage.

-Keep "mutuality" as the central force of your "sexuality"--we are expected to give ourselves to each other in marriage. Husbands and wives have mutual rights and responsibilities in the area of sex.

-Do all you can to resolve "body image" problems--each spouse needs to bring a healthy self-image into the bedroom, or your sex lives will suffer.

-Get to know your own body--understanding how your body works and what uniquely influences your sex drive will definitely improve the quality of your physical intimacy together.

-Allow for "couple time" regularly--one of the best ways to get "in the mood" for sex is to simply spend a lot of time with your spouse...so make that a priority!

-Clear out distractions--the more you have on your mind, the less you'll be interested in physical intimacy with your spouse. Ruthlessly eliminate stress and distractions in your home.

-Have fun!--Sex was created by God for the enjoyment of a man and woman in marriage. Enjoy it!

A good place to go for more information about sexual issues in marriage is the website of Clifford and Joyce Penner and Associates: www.passionatecommitment.com

Be Fun To Be Around!

When you were single and dating, it's probable that you spent at least a fair amount of effort towards being likable--in other words, wanting to be liked. After all, most people desire to be chosen by someone else as a good friend or as a dating companion. So why stop all that merriment just because you got married? That's no fun at all! I hate to be blunt, but it's a shame that so many spouses are simply not enjoyable to be around--and that's a problem that you can take responsibility for. Frankly, it's not good for society when we are generating unlikable people. Do your part. Be likable!

Most people don't want to stay in long-term friendships with people who are full of negative energy. It's a drain to be with someone who's critical, or unhappy, or bored. Do what you can to make your permanent lifelong relationship a fun one! It will make the ride go better, I can assure you. If you need help with this subject, let us know. Lighten up, get loose, be free. Spend some time reading the book of Philippians in the New Testament (small book; four short chapters). Or invest some time into helping someone else. That's about the best remedy I know for getting out of a self-centered negative mindset.

If there are stressors or factors in your life that are keeping you from having fun in your life, take time to talk those things out with a counselor or a pastor. Or it might even be a good idea to see your doctor for a checkup. But do what you can to be a positive person. Try your best to be someone that your spouse would choose as a good friend....if you're not that person already! Be kind, be spontaneous, be adventurous, be fun to be with. Do you remember how excited you would get as a kid waiting for your best friend to come over to spend the night? How much more fun is it when that best friend is your spouse! Make your time spent together worthwhile and enjoy one another.

Great Expectations: Married Life Without Conflict

There are so many mistaken notions about marriage. Many couples first go into this most special relationship in what I'll call a "fog". What causes the fog? All kinds of things: the blissful dreamy state of being in love, romanticized high ideals about the "perfect" relationship, and, usually, a lot of sexual attraction. While inside the fog, things are ironically nice and warm and all seems right with the world. But, like with any fog, it doesn't last forever. Eventually you come out the other side. And then where are you?

I think it's easy to say that the vast majority of married couples go into this lifelong venture not understanding how difficult marriage really is. Oh, if only we could spend the rest of our lives in the Cayman Islands on the eternal honeymoon! In addition, a lot of young couples mistakenly believe that because you are in love you will always be living in perfect harmony. Sorry. It doesn't work that way. Conflict is an inevitable part of marriage. Well, good grief, what would you expect with two people, any two people, determining that they are going to try to live with each other for the rest of their lives? Naturally those two will have conflict! (Just think about your college roommates--was it always utopia every single second?)

Marital conflict is not a bad thing. Really. Now don't get me wrong. I've known too many people in my life that live for conflict. That's not what I'm talking about here. Why willingly seek out conflict? There's never a need to do that. Believe me, conflict will eventually will find you! No, I'm merely talking here about facing an important reality regarding marriage. Marital conflict exists! But believe it or not, healthy marital conflict is actually one of the greatest friends of a growing marriage.

By the way, marriage expert John Gottman has a lot of interesting things to say about resolving conflict. Gottman has studied marriages intensively for many years and he has come to a remarkable conclusion strictly based on statistical data from his work. He cites that on average, 68% of marital conflict is not resolvable! That's more than two thirds of the marital conflict situations that occur with the average couple. Wow! Does that shock you? It shocked us the first time we heard that information (it was kind of a relief, to tell you the truth)! For more details about Gottman's findings, I recommend his excellent book, The Seven Principles For Making A Marriage Work.

So what does Gottman's statistic about marital conflict mean? It means we'd better adjust our lofty expectations of what marriage is really like. Marital conflict is obviously a force to be reckoned with. Certainly couples need to get versed on how to resolve the conflict in their marriage--that is, the conflict that is resolvable. But they also need to know how to live with the conflict that is not. Personally, I ultimately feel that only through the benefits of knowing Christ can a couple learn how to navigate, accept and even, yes, enjoy the conflict that will always be present in any marriage. And think about it, once a couple grows together to that point of emotional maturity, they can handle just about anything.

There's nothing wrong with being in a fog when you first meet. There's nothing wrong with being in a fog when you're newlyweds. In fact, I enjoy plenty of foggy periods now in my middle-aged years (hmmm....that didn't sound right)! But I also don't get discouraged when the bubble of great expectations bursts from time to time. I realize now that marriage is a rich experience of highs and lows with the Lord holding it all together. Because God is directing our lives and He cares for us, I know I can trust that it's all part of the big plan--and that it's all working together for good. So, in a way, my expectations about marriage, are greater than ever now.

Hitting the Mother-in-law Jackpot

I (Brett) have the world's greatest mother-in-law. No kidding, I really hit paydirt on this. In the almost 20 years that Kellie and I have been married, my mother-in-law has not ever given me any unsolicited advice (not that I can recall, anyway). Not only that, but in our earlier years of marriage, she did not get involved in any of the "young married" arguments between me and her oldest daughter--or form any presuppositions about me and how I might potentially develop into a bad husband or dad. On the contrary, my-mother-in-law has always given me the benefit of the doubt on everything. Not only that, since my own mom has been gone for 22 years, my wife's mom has filled in quite nicely for me as the only mom I now have. Not only that, Kellie's mom raised two daugthers, both fine women--one in particular who turned out to be the most amazing wife this guy could have. Not only that, but my mother-in-law is an outstanding grandmother to our kids. And not only that, she is honestly the most generous person I have ever known in my life (and she would not like me to let you know that). I really could go on about her, but I don't want to bore you.

I realize that I am extremely fortunate in this area, but life has a way of making things even out. After all, I'm still not a punter in the NFL, I can't play lead guitar really at all, my hair continues to give me problems daily, and there are serious consequences to my cholesterol level when I eat mass quantities of fried chicken. But I do want you to know that I wouldn't trade my mother-in-law for anything.

For The Love of Money

Money issues have the extraordinary potential of doing major damage to a marriage. There are a lot of deep-rooted feelings inside of us when it comes to our dough. I think it's because we get it in our head that money gives us the ultimate security in life. So, consequently, we tend to grip our money tightly. Or is it the other way around? Do you remember comedian Jack Benny's response to the robber who shoved a gun in his face and shouted, "Your money or your life?" (His answer: "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!")

Money is extremely personal to us. In fact, a lot of us were taught growing up that we were not to talk about money issues. That's unfortunate. Consequently, money causes lots of problems in many marriages and families--because there's so much to talk about in this area in order to keep a marriage and family healthy. This is another one of those key areas where temperament differences become so obvious. There are different approaches to money. In your marriage, who is a spender? Who is a saver? Who should be doing the books? Who has a natural talent for keeping records? What is our family's philosophy of recreation? What financial goals do we have for our children? What do we believe about retirement? And since nobody knows what each day will bring, it's important for both the husband and wife to know important information about the family's finances. You never know what can happen in a crisis. It's good to be prepared and not regretful later.

Since so many of us are not financial experts, it's good to know that there are folks out there that can help us. People that want to see families succeed with learning basics to guide them through the money maze....and not succumb to it. Two outstanding resources (there are others) to help you learn more about this extremely important subject are Dave Ramsey (www.daveramsey.com) and Crown Financial Ministries (www.crown.org). Both have helped thousands of families dodge the potential perils of debt and financial irresponsibility that can creep so subtly into a household.

We always have to remember that money is itself not a bad thing. It's the love of money that is at the root of so much evil. Actually, money is necessary for us to survive, to raise our families, even to bless others in certain tangible ways. Those that have money should be thankful and also be good stewards of what has been given to them. We've all heard that phrase, "You can't take it with you!" But I like what someone else came up with: "You hardly ever see a hearse pulling a U-Haul!"

Prayer: The Ultimate Super Glue

There are so many things that can increase intimacy in a marriage. Long conversations. Focused listening. A healthy sex life. Come to think of it, if you really want to become intimate, share a water bottle with someone after a heavy workout--that's intimacy! But there's an important item that often gets left off the how-to-become-more-intimate list. Believe it or not, prayer could very well become one of the most intimate expressions that you ever share with your married partner...yes, sometimes even more than sexual expressions. Sex, in the context of marriage, can be the most beautiful and intimate shared experience. But, let's face it, every day there are people all over this world that engage in sex and somehow keep their distance in regards to emotional intimacy. Tough to do, but it happens. But it's even more difficult not to be emotionally intimate when you're engaged in prayer--if it's the real deal.

If you are truly engaged in heartfelt prayer with someone to whom you have committed your entire life, then it just stands to reason that your prayers will naturally grow into a very intimate expression together. But beyond that, because God is always in the room when you pray, He does something during that prayer that is amazing. God brings qualities to a prayer time that no one or nothing else can. If you recall, Jesus did mention to us that wherever two or more are gathered in prayer, God's right there--in the midst of that group praying together!

If you believe that, then believe this. When a couple prays together, things come out of your mouth and heart that you wouldn't ordinarily consider--simply because God is involved. I can't tell you how many times that I (Brett) will say things while praying for my wife that I didn't even know were inside of me. "Did I just say that? Wow, where did that come from?" It's pretty humbling. And, let's face it, most men need all the communication prompting they can get.

Now this prayer thing may seem a little intimidating to some folks at first. It can be particularly daunting to some men. Fortunately, there is no such thing as a "prayer police" when it comes to couples praying together. So you really can't get this one wrong. Good advice for learning how to pray together is to take baby steps. Pray in any way comfortable to you both. Start slow. Maybe just say a few words the first time you pray together. Invite God to be part of that discussion. God will prompt things in your three-way discussion that will bring you both closer to Him and to each other.

And here's the kicker: your prayer life with your spouse will slowly become the glue that holds your marriage together--with a bond that's pretty hard to break. I'm convinced that nothing creates intimate trust more than prayer. If you don't believe me, I dare you to try it. What do you have to lose? Not one thing. And what do you have to gain? Becoming soulmates with the one you pledged to spend your life with. Not a bad deal, Lucille.

OK, So You're Different....(Yawn)

I wonder how many times I've heard these words from a couple: "We couldn't be more different!" Well, duh! Of course you're different! The cliche about opposites attracting one another is more than a cliche. It's just reality. Get over it. In fact, I don't think I've ever met a couple who was even close to being like each other! Now, of course, if you're in a marriage, you aren't going to be completely different from each other. Maybe you have similar interests. Perhaps you share a quirky sense of humor about goofy things. Maybe you even both like to collect foreign tennis balls. But for the most part, spouses are radically different from each other. This is no social crisis.

In most cases, those things that are different between the two of you are so attractive when you are dating. And then, ironically but typically, those same things that are different start becoming so annoying in your first few years of marriage. But the good news is that if you will extend grace to each other--truly be patient with one another all throughout your relationship--something will inevitably happen. You will start embracing those previously annoying differences. They will gradually cease to be irritants. And you might even be surprised to learn that you start becoming more and more like each other over the years--even switching some aspects of your personalities! The messy one starts acting neater. The neat one becomes more relaxed about perfectionism. Ah, the mysteries of marriage.

The subtle art of trying to change your spouse to become more like you is not that subtle. Do yourself a favor--give it up. Remember: variety is the spice of life. Viva la difference!

Let's Give a Greeting Worth Talkin' 'Bout

You've had a full day, possibly a very rough day. The rats were definitely winning the rat race at work. You can't wait to be reunited with your spouse who you haven't seen since early that morning. But when you greet each other, what does the scene look like? Would an outsider even have a clue that you were married? Are you immediately engrossed in talking about the cable going out again or that you've run out of diapers? Consider this idea: what about a 30-second kiss when you say hello....or even those times when you say goodbye? That may sound like no big deal, but 30 seconds is a pretty long time. In other words, that's a quality kiss!

A long passionate kiss is just one way to re-connect. The point is to give your best to your spouse when you greet each other or send each other off into battle. A quality demonstration of affection is a simple but important act of being intentional towards the one you love most. Communicate your love for that life partner as often as you can and you'll grow more in your overall intimacy with that person. It very well could turn out to be one of the favorite parts of your day. In fact, you might find yourself often "forgetting" your important papers just so you can come back and get another 30-second kiss! (One warning: the surgeon general has determined that 30-second kisses can become habit forming and lead to other serious marital expressions).

The Dividends of Encouragement

We just returned home after hosting a wonderful marriage retreat put on by our church in Houston. Although the setting for the weekend at the Galleria Omni was itself gorgeous and the diverse married couple participants who were with us at the retreat were so much fun, maybe the greatest prize of the experience was the gift of the presenters themselves. The speakers, Cowboy and Bets Davis, a precious veteran married couple (married fifty years later this year!), have been mentoring couples for a long time, personally pouring themselves into hundreds upon hundreds of marriages. Their wisdom is real, hard-earned and beneficial. Beyond that, these dear friends are unabashed encouragers of us to go out and do the same kind of thing--so that's what we're doing! We hope to be faithful to that call as we support married couples ourselves for many years to come. With the prayerful and practical guidance of wise mentors like this, any marriage (including our own) has a much better chance of being a richer experience. That is one of the many payoffs of godly encouragement.

If you're in a marriage relationship, we highly recommend finding a married couple (or couples) who can get behind your marriage, pray for you, and offer support. You'll discover that with God's help, you can accomplish all things in your marriage through Christ who will give you strength.

Marriage: The Greatest Challenge You'll Ever Enjoy

I've always said that if you ever want to come face to face with your own selfishness, then get married! Nothing can challenge someone to become a better person quite like a marriage relationship can. Because of that, I can think of few things more worthy of investment than the institution of marriage. Honestly, I wish more folks were up to the challenge. Don't get me wrong. Marriage is tough--even for Texans! It takes a constant and devoted commitment and supernatural help to live with someone the rest of your life--someone who is typically your polar opposite! And beyond that, we believe that the natural "inertia", if you will, of a married couple left to themselves with no support for their relationship is for that couple to grow apart over the years. That's why it takes help from above--along with a jump-in-with-both-feet personal investment. Take it from me, the benefit of that kind of perseverance and lifelong dedication is well worth it.

I'm convinced that everyone needs someone to cheer for them in this life. That is our purpose with this blog. We want to be an encouragement to all of those who are facing the challenges of family life--and married life, in particular. With loaded expectations dealing with everything from money to sex to communication to marital conflict to spiritual issues to in-laws to children, there is obviously a whole lot to discuss about marriage and family issues. Over time, we hope to hear from people who have been there, those that are struggling, and those that have hung in there through some of the more difficult hurdles of family life. We also want to hear from couples that are simply cherishing the unique relationship that God has allowed them to enjoy together. We're always looking for great stories and "best practices" when it comes to our most rewarding (and sometimes difficult) relationships. After all, we're all in this together!