Getting the Right Perspective

Kellie and I are in contact all the time with hurting couples. It's a wonderful privilege to serve in this way, although often a very difficult one. We so want couples to have relief from their suffering.

It's important to note that, often times, how a couple or even just an individual views their painful circumstances can be the dominant source of their depression, anger or anxiety. That's why it's so important for hurting spouses to get the right perspective about their situation. This is particularly helpful when a pain is something that temporarily or permanently can't be fixed--or a loss that won't go away.

One of my late father's favorite verses was Romans 12:2 where Paul said, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--His, good, pleasing and perfect will."

This whole business about being transformed by the renewing of your mind is critical. To be honest, in the world of loss and crisis, it can be very difficult to see things clearly. Often in these situations, we tend to default to a deep-rooted worldly pattern of how we might have approached life in the past, particularly under pressure. And in many of those cases, our mindset is focused on us--our need and/or excruciating pain in the situation. And being engulfed by that focus can crush our spirit.

But the Word of God can give us unprecedented courage in the midst of hard times. My teenage son particularly likes to read the "faith chapter" of the Bible, the eleventh chapter of the book of Hebrews. In that passage are story after story of how heroes responded with a fresh injection of courage from God--all from being renewed by a perspective from heaven.

If you're currently in what seems like a hopeless situation, God knows all about it. And the Scriptures are clear that He most definitely does not desire calamity for you. It's so important to have confidence in God's faithfulness, His power and His sovereignty. In God's grand global economy, what seems hopeless to us is just an opportunity for the Lord to do the unthinkable--and all because He loves us.

Step back from your situation for a few minutes and catch your breath. Now, surrender control and allow God to take total direction in your situation. His way is always going to be the most compassionate and most effective solution. Spend time in the promises of God's unchanging Word (if you don't have a collection of Bible promises, you can easily obtain one at your local bookstore--that's a very handy thing to have near you).

I can promise you, trusting the Lord and renewing your perspective on your situation is the best move you could ever make--for you, for your marriage, and for the future of your family. Let Him steer the ship and see what happens.

Why Marriage Matters

According to the Administration for Children and Families, Health and Human Services, Washington D.C., (and several other sources), there are multiple reasons why healthy marriages increase social health. Here are some of the primary advantages: Statistically, married couples have better overall physical health and mental health--which only increases with happy marriages. Married couples suffer less injuries, less illness, and less disability. They typically live longer, and have children who are physically healthier, as well as are more emotionally stable. With marriage also comes a lower infant mortality rate, a lower rate of child abuse, and lower rates of STDs.

Whew! That's quite a list of incentives for marriage, in general. And, again, healthier marriages just increase all of those statistics further. But for couples to have healthier marriages, it requires intentionality and prioritization within that marriage--to make the marriage stronger, better. Kellie and I recommend that couples become students of marriage. Read at least one good book on marriage enrichment each year. Attend a retreat or pro-marriage weekend once annually. Take a few minutes to take a good online relationship inventory each year--maybe around your wedding anniversary. And make sure that you are still dating, playing, and having fun with each other--muy importante!!

If you have any questions or comments about any of these suggestions and want more details or information, please contact us at thehursts@homeencouragement.org . We'd be glad to help you and your spouse move forward with a more intentional (and more satisfying) marriage. That's why we're here.

Be Aware of The Affair

According to the Journal of Psychology and Christianity, as many as 65 percent of men and 55 percent of women will have an extramarital affair by the time they are forty. That is an overwhelming statistic and one that could have drastic ramifications on our society. However, we believe there are proactive steps you can take to avoid being part of those statistics. One of the most helpful things is to be on guard against danger traps of affairs--for instance, being informed about the potential pitfalls.

In Dave Carder's and Duncan Jaenicke's book, Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs (Moody), Carder reports that adultery and divorce rates in the evangelical population are nearly the same as the general population in America. In other words, being a Christian does not lessen our chances of having an affair. Any student of the life of King David will agree with that fact.

In an interview with Cindy Crosby of Marriage Partnership magazine, Dave Carder talked about the three types of affairs. The "Class One" affair is what Carder calls the one-night stand--no lasting connection. He further describes the "Class Two" affair as a love relationship that starts as a friendship and it grows primarily because of a deficit in the marriage. These relationships typically have a powerful emotional connection that involve some type of shared orientation. Finally, the "Class Three" affair is one that involves sexual addiction.

Carder further states that the fastest growing rate of infidelity is among young married women. Many of those have suffered some type of sexual abuse in the past. Others are the adult children of divorce. In either of these cases, the expectations for their own marriage is that it will make up this deficit that comes from their family of origin. In addition, "intimacy deficits" may exist as well from childhood--perhaps from a lack of touching, hugging, affirmation or affection. All of us have deficits. For this reason, it can be very important to be aware of which ones you have.

Emotional affairs can be just as dangerous to a marriage. They can be between two people who merely just share their feelings for each other. But they can be supercharged with emotion. The sound of his or her voice, the writing style in a note or email--they can all be heavily loaded. These affairs are also easily rationalized. Carder says that if confronted, people in emotional affairs will insist they've done nothing wrong. But these individuals rob their marriages of emotional energy. They will save topics of conversation for the person in the emotional affair, rather than share them with their spouse. These are often the hardest affairs to recover from, because there is no guilt.

Secret affairs are potentially devastating to a relationship--but they can be overcome. Don't be discouraged! Many, many marriages recover from affairs and become stronger, more loving relationships than ever before. Prayer, humility, patience, and a strong faith can all be extremely helpful qualities for recovery. A good Christian therapist, counselor or a pastor can be particularly helpful with guidance and accountability to help the recovery process stay on track. Home Encouragement is available to point the direction toward several resources. If you need assistance in this area, please feel free to contact us at thehursts@homeencouragement.org.

The Cost of the Breakdown of the Family

In recent years, many Americans have figured out that the disintegration of families impacts children significantly. But according to a new study released last month, divorce and unwed parenting also cost U.S. taxpayers at least $112 billion annually. Furthermore, in an article written by Devon Williams, associate editor of CitizenLink, it is stated that the same study cites that national, state and local costs--over $1 trillion over the last decade--are caused, in part by high poverty rates of single, female-headed households, which lead to higher spending on welfare, criminal justice and education programs.

David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values, which is associated with the study, said that reducing family fragmentation rates by just 1 percent would save taxpayers $1.1 billion.

"This study documents for the first time that divorce and unwed childbearing--besides being bad for children--are also costing taxpayers a ton of money", Blankenhorn said.

Randy Hicks, president of the Georgia Family Council, stated that these figures represent real people and real suffering.

"Both economic and human costs make family fragmentation a legitimate public concern," Hicks said. "And while we'll never eliminate divorce and unwed childbearing entirely, we can certainly be doing more to help marriages and families succeed."

It's apparent from these reports that an investment in healthy marriages and strong families is an investment in the future of more economically sound communities. It's also evident that it's going to take a united and concerted effort from each of us to reverse this trend--with God's help, of course.

Marriage Mentoring

The following is an interview with David and Sue Harkins, our "partners in crime" in a marriage mentoring ministry that we recently set up together at our church, Memorial Drive Presbyterian Church in Houston. The Harkins have been married fifteen years and have three elementary school children. They are great friends of ours, a lot of fun, and they share our commitment to helping marriages grow stronger through couple-to-couple connections. Here is our exchange:

What does marriage mentoring mean to you?

To us, marriage mentoring is when we come alongside another married couple and get to know them on a more intimate basis. That process may include walking with that couple through a troubled time, perhaps assisting them through a challenge that we've already experienced before, encouraging them, or even just simply listening to what is going on in their marriage relationship. The hope is to show that other couple that they are not alone in their issues--others have been there and survived! The focus on marriage and making the relationship better benefits both married couples. In fact, just meeting on a regular basis keeps both marriages on the "front burner".

Why were the two of you drawn to marriage mentoring?

We've been married for 15 years, and the early years of our marriage were rocky! We were on separate paths, we did not communicate our concerns to each other, and we certainly had not placed God at the center of our relationship. However, thanks to God, we worked through some major issues during those first few years, and gained a trust and communication level that we had not had in our marriage before. We discussed and reflected on our own challenges and understood them to be gifts that could be shared to help other marriages survive and thrive. Marriage is hard work, and we realize that the more attention we give it, the better it is!

What do you hope to see as a result of couples getting together like this?

Well, certainly stronger marriages and families--and, over time, a lowering of the divorce rate and the consequences that go with that separation. We hope that couples will realize that there is hope in any situation, and with God all things are possible! We hope that couples won't settle for just a "good" marriage, but will strive for a "great" marriage!

What's the difference between this and marriage counseling?

Marriage mentors are not usually licensed counselors; they are, however, listening ears with a love for God and a love for the institution of marriage. Marriage mentors will listen, and give advice and encouragement where appropriate. But for those critical issues, a counselor will be referred.

What do couples need to do if they are interested in being mentored?

It's as easy as 1-2-3! 1. Contact us by either phone or email. 2. Complete the mentee application. 3. Pray for God to match you with the appropriate mentor couple.

How often do couples need to meet?

It is really up to the mentoring and mentee couples. There are no requirements. However, a suggested timetable would be to visit as much as once a month to perhaps once a quarter, depending on the issues, needs and relationships. Our hope is that the couples will meet on a regular basis for at least one year.

What has helped your own marriage stay strong?

Our marriage has stayed strong mainly through commitment. Commitment to each other through good times and bad. Commitment to learn and share on a continual basis on a variety of marriage topics. Commitment to keeping Christ in our marriage and to always seek what God wants for us in this special life partnership He has given us.

For more information on marriage mentoring at MDPC, contact the Harkins at dsharkins@sbcglobal.net or the Hursts at thehursts@homeencouragement.org . You may also contact Brett Hurst at MDPC at 713-490-0930.

Matters of the Heart

Not too long ago, I heard Gary Smalley, author of The DNA of Relationships, speak at a conference on relationships. Since I've been a big fan of Smalley for years (he does make me laugh), I always feel like I've heard all of his stories and insights before. Yet, every time I hear him speak, he always manages to surprise me with something powerful. Most of this below is not rocket science stuff--yet it's still amazingly profound. These are among the takeaways I picked up from him at his recent session:

Why is marriage so hard? Because after we're married we start picking on our spouses to try to change them. Trying to change someone is the exact worst thing we could do. Gary's personal lesson learned: no more finger pointing--you cannot change another person!


Finger pointing causes disconnect and an "unsafe place". If you're with someone safe in a relationship, you'll open up. If you're with someone unsafe, you won't. Take responsibility in your relationship: create a safe place for the one you love.


Definition of insanity: doing the same thing the same way expecting a different result.


Gary's confession to his wife: "I realize that I was never designed to be your Holy Spirit. I've been wrong. Will you forgive me?"


The quality of your life does not depend on the actions of your mate. The quality of life does not depend on your circumstances or your stuff. The quality of your life depends essentially on the beliefs you store in your own heart. Therefore it is important to memorize "heart" and "mind" scriptures such as:

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23)

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--think on these things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:8-9)

Take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

If you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord", and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved. (Romans 10:9-10)

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. (John 8:32)


Making scriptures such as these part of your heart makeup will gradually change your life--and help you improve your most important relationships. Of course, there are many, many more good verses that apply to healthy relationships available in scripture. Gary adds that irritating mates help you know what verses to go to!


For more insights and helpful information from Gary Smalley, visit the website of The Smalley Relationship Center.

Let's Get Physical

It's not atypical for one spouse to have a lower drive for physical affection than the other. But that doesn't mean that physical demonstrations of love aren't, nonetheless, very necessary for a life together. Affectionate playfulness, especially non-sexual touch, is a very important component of a healthy marriage. If demonstrating your love in this regard is hard for you, consider some of the following suggestions:


Don't be coy. Move toward your spouse in some demonstrative way.

Initiate the first affectionate advance, particularly if that is something that does NOT come easily for you. Your spouse may have to be picked off of the floor!

Give your spouse a kiss--this may seem obvious, but maybe it's been a while since you have made a conscious effort to do it for no reason. Minimum time length suggestion: 30 seconds.

Surprise your partner with a back rub. This could reap great dividends later!

Get back to basics: try holding hands again. Do you remember what a thrill that was when you were first dating?

Be affectionate in the daytime, even the morning. Go ahead, you can do it.

Make an effort to give a long, firm hug in the kitchen. Research tells us how invaluable hugs are to general well-being and health. If you want a happier marriage AND you want to live longer....

If you are the one in the marriage with the lower sex drive, plan a time and a way where you would feel most comfortable being the one initiating sex. Again, your spouse may need to call 911.


Life is too short to not enjoy a healthy physically intimate relationship with the one you love. Move toward your spouse in the ways that you think he or she will appreciate it most. As the old Alka-Seltzer commercial said, "Try it....you'll like it!"