A Change Is Gonna Come

Have you ever seen a badger? Have you ever been a badger? Do you pick on your spouse frequently? Do you badger your mate with slight criticisms to try to get him or her to do things the way you think they should be done--to try to get them to change? Even though that approach may seem to be logical and effective, you might want to rethink that strategy.

I recently heard noted relationships expert Gary Smalley speak at a conference. Gary wrote the bestseller The DNA of Relationships, among many other popular titles. He is a very entertaining presenter with a disarming sense of humor. I've seen him speak countless times. And every time I hear him, he surprises me with some kind of powerful insight.

Smalley says that it is common for married persons to, over time, begin to pick on their spouses to try to change them. He goes on to say that trying to purposely change someone you love is the exact worst thing you can do. The fact of the matter is that you cannot change another person! Moreover, he adds, it's not our job to be someone else's "Holy Spirit". After all, God does not need our assistance in the area of transformational change. Not even a little bit.

All we can do in this life is take responsibility for ourselves. Doing that is much more productive for relational change than finger pointing. Finger pointing causes disconnect with the one you love. Furthermore, it creates an unsafe place for your relationship. This unsafe environment will generally lead ultimately to more distrust, less intimacy, and a marriage that will become harder to manage.

So try moving in the other direction. Encourage one another. Ask for forgiveness often. Think before you speak. Give advice less. Pray more. Trust God. And eventually, you will see powerful changes in yourself. And maybe even the one you love.

For more on Gary Smalley and his insights, go to the website of The Smalley Relationship Center.

Marriage Mentoring

We are excited to be involved in the training of about 35-40 couples who over the next few weeks will become marriage mentors. This is good news for many couples in our region. These newly-trained mentors will be serving other married couples in the Houston area. Marriage mentoring is an exciting venture and we believe it is an important wave gaining momentum in our country. Marriage mentors are couples that are excited about helping other couples develop stronger marriages through relational encouragement. Many young couples, in particular, are hungering for help in learning what it takes to have a long-lasting and successful married relationship. With the help of an equipped marriage mentor couple, newlyweds, veteran married couples, and hurting marriages can all get vital support that will help their most important relationships improve significantly.

Marriage mentors don't have perfect relationships--quite the contrary. Instead, these mentor couples are simply committed couples that have learned how to work through some of life's more difficult issues themselves, and then, consequently, they have found a deeper and more satisfying marriage in their own lives. In most cases, these mentors have become part of a friendship-based ministry that has some method of connecting those more experienced couples with younger couples. Through an informal and comfortable approach, and with the assistance of leadership, these connectional relationships do a whole lot of good toward improving the quality of many marriages.


If you are a couple that lives in the Greater Houston area, and would like to connect and benefit from a relationship with a mentor couple or if you are interested in learning more about becoming a marriage mentor couple yourselves, please contact us at thehursts@homeencouragement.org. There are many exciting opportunities for marriage mentoring opening up in the Houston area. For more general information about marriage mentoring, the website of Real Relationships is one of several good starting points.

The First Twenty

A couple of days ago, Kellie and I celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary. The night of that milestone anniversary, after many commitments that day, we managed to sneak off to our favorite little Italian restaurant around the corner from our house and had a very nice, quiet dinner together. Great food, great company. Actually, it was the perfect evening for an otherwise typically busy family weekday.

Twenty years of marriage. For us, it's hard to believe. Honestly, it seems like just yesterday that we had that beautiful ceremony in her parents' backyard by their brand new pool. I'll never forget that night. Wow, we were just kids. Well, at least Kellie was! And now, twenty years later, we have two wonderful teenagers, a semi-trustworthy dog, and we both look forward to what the next twenty years of marriage will bring. We hope to grow even closer together, we wonder what our kids will be like when they're all grown up with their own families (no hurry on that), and we look forward to grandchildren in the future (again, plenty of time on that). Meanwhile, over the next twenty years, Kellie and I believe we will be more invested in other marriages than we ever have been before....and we look forward to that, too. Serving marriages always does so much for our own relationship and it's a real joy.

Anyway, to further celebrate our twentieth, Kellie and I are going to enjoy another one of our overnight stays at a nice hotel in downtown Houston. You may recall that we try to do this at least four times a year (thanks to http://www.priceline.com/). But since I also happen to be officiating a wedding downtown this weekend of some precious new friends of ours, Kellie and I decided to just go ahead and enjoy the entire weekend in the heart of our hometown. Why not? After all, Houston really does have much to offer after the summer heat dies down. We're anticipating a fun time together.

I don't know what I did to get such a wonderful wife in Kellie. I certainly didn't deserve her--not by any stretch of the imagination. But, for some reason, because of His great mercy, God loves me--a whole lot! And He knew a long time ago just what I needed in a life mate--and so He brought me Kellie. Honestly, over the years, there have been one or two times that I have forgotten what a diamond she is. But usually it doesn't take long for me to be reminded of how very excellent life is with her. I couldn't be happier. I only hope to be worthy of her love for another twenty years. I suppose it will take twenty more years of a whole lot of prayer to try to get me that way!

Football Tips for Married Men

I love football season. Hmmmm......perhaps I should say it like this: I LOVE FOOTBALL SEASON!! Ever since I was an elementary school kid, pretending to be a sportswriter and turning out a weekly report complete with predictions of game outcomes, football season has been a big part of my life. Big surprise for a guy, huh? Loving football certainly doesn't make me unique as an American male. In fact, particularly in the month of September, most guys find they have to express this affection for this violent sport somehow, somewhere, in some kind of a public forum.

Tonight, my 8th grade son, who plays football himself, and I will be making another quick trek to Austin to see the Horns play Rice. It should be interesting. My nephew, Scott Solomon, is a starting defensive end for Rice....as a freshman! So we'll be a little bit torn watching that game. Basically, I just don't want Scott to hurt Colt McCoy when he sacks him a couple of times.

Tomorrow, after church, it's Texans vs. Colts in the afternoon and then the Cowboys and Bears at night. Monday night, it's Vince Young vs. the Saints. I'm salivating even as I type these words! What a weekend.

Fortunately, my wife of twenty years has grown to love both football and baseball quite a bit (probably because her son plays both sports now). In fact, Kellie often puts the game on TV before I do! Wow, what a gal! How did this metamorphosis take place? I honestly don't know. I just count my blessings. So, as you can see, we don't have a lot of the contentious issues that we did early in our marriage related to my sports obsessions.

Be that as it may, I still feel compelled to give men a few tips when it comes to football season and your wife:

1. Don't give her a pair of season tickets to your favorite team for your anniversary....unless she asks for that.

2. Listen to her often....not only during commerical breaks.

3. Notice her new shoes before game time....even if you're not a shoes guy.

4. Don't say, "I'm trying to hear the lineups" when she asks you what's on your mind.

5. Don't ask her if she can make a quick trip to the store during halftime because you're dreadfully low on snacks.

6. Notice her new nails before halftime....even if you're not a nails guy.

7. If her birthday falls on the same day as the big bowl game, don't complain about having to spend time celebrating together. TiVo, my friend. TiVo.

8. Don't say, "No, not really" when she asks you if you want to talk.

9. Notice her new haircut before the game's over. But make sure she's indeed had one.

10. When the game's over, don't complain about being tired.

This is an abridged list of hard-learned lessons from a guy who has been there. I'd love to hear about any other helpful tips.

Football is so beautiful. But, guys, do what you can to make your wives feel special during this wonderful time of the year. If you do, you may find yourself allowed to watch even the bowl games that start in mid-December. If you don't, you may ultimately find yourself watching more games than you ever wanted to. Not good.

Don't Get Caught In The Web

The Internet brings the average family so many countless advantages....or does it? According to a recent American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) newsletter article by Dr. Mark R. Laaser, author of Healing Wounds of Sexual Addiction, pornography accounts for 7% of the 3.3 billion Web pages indexed by Google. That's a phenomenal statistic with tremendous repercussions for our nation. As a pastor who deals constantly with families, I (Brett) am convinced that sexual addictions are one the most destructive forces that can come against marriages. Moreover, Internet pornography is producing the fastest growing forms of sexual addiction.

What are the consequences of chronic exposure to illicit Internet images? Dr. Al Cooper finds that men that frequently look at pornography:

1. Develop unrealistic expectations of women's appearance and sexual behavior.
2. Have difficulty forming and sustaining relationships.
3. Have trouble feeling sexually satisfied.

Kellie and I are parents of teenagers. As parents, we have prayed throughout the years that our children would get "caught" early in any kind destructive patterns that would harm them (yes, we want them to get caught--and they have)! Even though they have not always appreciated that at first, it actually has turned out to be a blessing to them. After all, in the long run, getting exposed early in the early stage has allowed our kids to not to have to deal with the greater consequences further down the road of perdition, if you will.

In that same way, this kind of prayer might not be a bad prayer to be praying for your spouse, as well! But even getting "caught" early in this game can bring problems. Because sexual addiction is no game. It is like playing with wildfire--and produces so many negative responses. After learning of their husband's behavior, many wives understandably feel betrayed. Inevitably, their ability to trust their spouse often diminishes. Anger and depression can follow. Consequently, marital conflict has the potential to increase significantly as a result--frequently without resolution.

Other manifestations of this dangerous trap can be sexual anorexia, excessive plastic surgery in an attempt to then attain the "perfect" body, as well as the addicted person mindlessly being tethered to their computers, robbing families of fathers--or even mothers! It should be also noted here that women and men having illicit sexual conversations in chat rooms can be considered a comparable addiction. All of this type of behavior can result in extramarital affairs, which can be a superhighway to separation and divorce.

Solutions to this very serious problem?

-Have people in your life that will keep you accountable--people that are, honestly, not impressed with you, so to speak, but rather friends that love you enough to ask you the hard questions and pray for you.

-Put an effective filter system on your computer systems at home and work. In our view, it is too easy to be exposed to destructive and addictive images to take this lightly. The same is true for your children. BSafe Online is one of several good companies that make good products that will help your family.

-If you are struggling with this issue (and many are) get help immediately by talking to a pastor, professional counselor, or specialist.

-Another consideration is an excellent website that has extensive help available: Pure Intimacy. It has a tremendous amount of resources available related help for this issue.

-Finally, pray for the strength to be obedient to God's plan for your life. He loves you greatly, He loves your family as well, and He most definitely does not want you to be trapped or destroyed by any addictive behavior. And He will always give you a way out of the temptations in your life (I Corinthians 10:13).

The Internet can be a huge blessing of resources to families. Don't allow it to be something that will destroy yours.

Best Friends With Benefits

In today's rapidly changing culture, marriage is often scoffed at as an impractical and unnecessary relationship. But according to several sources (listed at the end of this post), marriage has some pretty impressive incentives that don't get acknowledged too often.

Did you know that married people overall reportedly live longer than unmarried people? Mortality rates for unmarried women are 50% higher than comparable married women, and the death rate is 250% higher for unmarried men. Moreover, in that regard, being an unmarried man is more dangerous statistically than heart disease. Where heart disease reduces the average man's life span by six years, being single does so by ten years.

A satisfying marriage (which obviously takes far more work and effort than an unsatisfying one) is even more beneficial. And the greater the fulfillment of the marriage, the healthier the couple. The more tension and unresolved issues of conflict, the more susceptible the couple will be to colds, flus, and other diseases. By the way, married couples also report the highest levels of happiness and well-being, as opposed to their cohabitating counterparts. I'm merely giving you the stats, folks.

It gets better. Married couples have more sex and report higher levels of satisfaction than do single people. All you have to do is read the diaries of certain promiscuous celebrities to be convinced of that reality. To say the least, that lifestyle is not as glamorous or fulfilling as it seems. And, marital sexual satisfaction just increases with greater general marital satisfaction. In marriage, sexual fidelity is higher, emotional commitment is higher, and mutual trust is higher.

Finally, if you want a higher net worth, get or stay married. The median income of the American married couple in 1997 was $47,000. For single men, it was $26,000. For single women, just under $16,000. And couples that stay married longer statistically retain more and more of their money the longer they are married. There's evidently a financial synergy that can often occur in marriage. It just takes two people the effort of heading in the same direction.

Now please don't misunderstand. God has a great plan for every person who loves Him. And, frankly, not every person in this world is called to be married. But judging by the facts just mentioned, it's more than obvious that marriage can produce some very special blessings. And I'm a little weary of marriage not being celebrated for all the benefits that it can so often produce.

Ironically, one of the greatest blessings of marriage is how much it can teach you about moving away from a self-centered life. A satisfying marriage is worth all the effort that it takes. By asking for divine help and by working together through difficult times, there are evidently so many rewards that can come to those who persevere. I pray that if you're in a struggling marriage, that God will show you some of those fringe benefits.

Sources: David Larson, the National Institute for Healthcare Research, the University of Chicago National Sex Survey, The Case for Marriage by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, and an article by Tim Clinton in the Journal of Psychology and Theology (Fall 2003).

Honestly, Honesty is The Best Policy

Every year for the past four years or so, I (Brett) have participated in leadership for a particular spiritual weekend called Journey To Damascus. It's a beautiful ecumenical experience--close in format to Walk To Emmaus and Cursillo and other similar movements--and it's a great opportunity for personal reflection on so many levels.....and so worth the investment. I benefit myself so much from it. Re-connecting with God on a deeper level and at a slower pace is something that always comes at the right time for me. Moreover, the loving Catholic community of Texans (and naturalized Texans) involved behind the scenes of Journey To Damascus is one of the most amazingly dedicated groups of people I have ever served with.....and so much fun! I get to laugh a lot with some great friends and that's always high on my list of healing remedies for personal stress.

Besides the personal renewal, one of the things I enjoy most about these weekends is getting to interact with so many new folks from all different kinds of backgrounds--people that are carrying as many different kinds of burdens as there are colors in the rainbow. In the course of many heartfelt conversations over a weekend, I am particularly reminded how many marriages are not what they seem to be on the outside. More specifically, as has been said here many times, it's important to speak the truth in love--that marriage can be tough--one of the greatest challenges of your life! The hard work required is what makes an intimate love relationship so potentially rewarding and fulfilling.

This year, my main marriage takeaway from JTD is how important honesty is in your most important relationship. Transparent communication is the lifeblood of a growing marriage. Men, for many reasons, often struggle with being completely upfront about details of their personal lives....in the areas of their business, career, personal time, temptations, and, yes even struggles with addiction. But many women do as well. It's hard for many of us to admit weakness. But we all need accountability--not for the purpose of having someone breathe down our necks, but rather so we can always be free to put our best foot forward. Honest accountability and comfort from others protects a person from going down destructive paths.

Granted, it's vital for men to have transparent relationships with other men. Likewise, women need emotional intimacy with other women. But, in my view, if you're married, your spouse should be your most important sounding board, if that's possible. Are you honest with your spouse about your business dealings? About your other personal relationships? About the struggles you are facing in your life? What about stress, emotional pain and your personal health? Is it possible you are moving down the road with some kind of lethal addiction....one that has the potential to destroy not only you, but, in many ways, your family and others? Let's face it, some addictions have the power to wreck everything and everyone in their path.

Honest community is a godsend. It helps take the pressure off of so many ridiculous expectations that we can internalize--those pressures to have everything perfectly working in our lives at all times. An honest marriage can give you even more advantages. Take a risk with that kind of vulnerability with the one you love. If you are struggling with something deep inside (and most of us are), tell your spouse. If, for some reason, you are hesitant to do that, then get some counsel from a pastor, friend, or professional and begin there. Finally, confess those things you're carrying to God. He is more than able to handle your burden. You'll be surprised at the emotional relief He can give you so quickly. Through heartfelt prayer, the Lord will guide you to the right solution....no matter the problem.

Don't carry impossible burdens any longer by yourself. Frankly, your mind and body are not equipped to carry those loads alone. Life is too short to waste trying to be perfect with some secret plan to get everything back on track. Everyone needs a family (and a spiritual family) for a safe place to be honest about our weaknesses. And just remember, that in our weakest moments, God is our strength!