What's Next?

A recently released poll from the Pew Research Center revealed the following facts about so-called Generation Next. Here are some things that they found in that survey:

- When asked about wanting to someday get married, only 57% of that generation said yes.

- Only 3% looked at a family member as their role model.

- When asked about their primary goal in life, 81% said more than anything they wanted to be rich.

- One in five had no religious affiliation or claimed to be an atheist or an agnostic--this is double what it was in the 1980's! Sociologically speaking, that is a tremendous shift overnight.

However, none of those findings should be too shocking to us. In fact, I think that the neglect of the Boomer Generation (of which, I admit, I am barely a member) towards marriage intentionality has caused succeeding generations to have lower views of marriage, family, moral values and even how our children view God Himself. And it only makes sense. Several Old Testament and New Testament scriptures tell us that parents are responsible for the physical, emotional and spiritual well-being of our children.

The apostle Paul commands children to honor their parents "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on earth." But as Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council in Washington, D.C. says, parents make it difficult for their children to honor them when they themselves don't honor their marriage vows. And who can blame the kids? After all, they're not the adults in this discussion. In most cases, they are just going to carry on the family tradition that they've learned....whatever it is.

But I'm not just talking about the possibilities of divorce and the legacy that it can leave. I'll save that for another post. I'm really referring to still-married couples, even couples that are merely complacent in their current status quo regarding their marriage--which is a fairly large group of folks, I'm convinced. Let me just say that it's so easy for all of us to get distracted from the things that really matter in life. We've all been there. But passivity in marriage is a serious situation. Distractions of life can so quickly lead to emotional neglect.

It's important to be intentional in marriage. It's simply being purposeful about what can and should be the most important human relationship on earth--at least for married couples. So, ask yourself if you are giving your marriage your best attention. If not, what can you do about it? As we have stated here many times: Marriage takes work. Marriage takes prayer. Marriage takes quality and quantity time. Intentional choices. It takes making marriage your top priority.....and trusting and listening to God for direction. Don't miss out on what matters most. A focus on a giving marriage is so very worth the investment. Without a doubt, the dividends pay off for generations to come. The statistics certainly tell us so.

I know that we all struggle sometimes. There is absolutely no shame in that. Moreover, we all do things that disappoint ourselves later. I know that I have. Fortunately, we have this unfathomable gift from heaven called forgiveness. What a concept it is--honestly! Every time you awake to a new day, you have a new opportunity to start over with your decisions for that particular day. It's such a great relief. Therefore, we just want to encourage all married couples, no matter their lot in life, to, from this day forward, do all they can to re-center and re-focus their personal priorities on growing in their faith, serving each other in marriage, and investing their hearts in their families.

Whew....sorry to get on kind of a soapbox on this one. I just get carried away every now and then. Please forgive my ranting. Have a nice day.

Bets and Cowboy (Part Three)

Here is the conclusion of our sweet interview with Cowboy and Bets Davis, our marriage mentoring mentors:

You have mentored so many marriages. How did you both get involved in investing in other married couples?

Cowboy: It all began by accident. Years ago, my wife and another lady began teaching a marriage enrichment course. Soon they discovered they needed a man to add to their program. The lady dropped out and my wife and I became the team. For 40 years, we have been either counseling couples or teaching marriage enrichment classes.

Bets: Cowboy and I had attended a Marriage Encounter Weekend and knew that the Lord was calling us to become team leaders. The rest is history. When we married, we were so ignorant of God's blueprint for marriage. As we pursued studying how to make a good marriage better, our hearts were led to share it with other couples. Good marriages don't just happen....they take a lot of work!

Cowboy: My wife was smarter than I was because she knew if I began teaching marriage enrichment principles, I would have to live them out. Teaching and mentoring couples has become the most meaningful thing that we do in life.



Do you think marriage is valued in today's society? Why or why not?

Bets: Our culture is rapidly changing in so many ways. I believe that marriage is valued among most Christians, but not so in the world today. Living together before marriage is the way most people operate today. God intended for us to be fruitful and to multiply. However, we see that babies born out of wedlock is not only common, but acceptable. This definitely changes the way marriage is viewed today.

Cowboy: My law practice involves handling divorces and child custody cases. Today, young people have little regard for marriage. As Bets said, they begin living together and having sex before marriage. The number of children born outside of marriage is shocking to me, but not to our culture. This leads me to believe that marriage is not important to a large segment of our society. An understanding and commitment to Biblical principles is severely lacking in this generation. A culture without moral standards to guide their lives relegates them to seek satisfaction in the passion of the flesh, regardless of the consequences. If pregnancy does occur, the decision to have the baby of an abortion does not always consider the impact on their lives or the baby's.



What would you most like to share with a young couple considering marriage today?

Cowboy: Looking back over my life, the most significant thing that I would choose to do differently would be to grow closer to Jesus Christ earlier in my life. Unfortunately, I chose to "stiff-arm" God for many years. I was not interested in Bible Study until I was fifty years old!

Bets: Picture your relationship as a triangle, with God at the top. The closer you come to Him, the closer you are drawn to each other. If you both have a spiritual base, you must be committed and give allegiance to God and to a purpose outside and beyond yourselves. To make marriage work, we need God!

Cowboy: I want to scream out the message to young people that God is the answer. Romans 8:28 says "All things work together for good for those who love Jesus Christ." This applies when both partners in a marriage love the Lord. Their marriage will not fail!



Thanks so much to Cowboy and Bets for giving us this rich window into their personal lives. Kellie and I echo the satisfaction and fulfillment of helping other couples stay committed to and intentional about their marriages. We also share the firm belief that a marriage relationship built on a foundation of Christ will give that marriage strength which can potentially withstand any storm (Matthew 7:24-27). We are so grateful for the Davis' rich legacy to so many marriages (like ours) and we join them in celebrating fifty incredible years of marriage in August. Happy Anniversary!

More from Bets and Cowboy

This is a continuation of an interview with marriage mentoring veterans and good friends, Bets and Cowboy Davis:

What was the first significant turning point in your marriage?

Bets: When we began to feel as if we were a team and found it most fulfilling to be able to contribute to joint ventures such as parenting, work, play, politics, Bible teaching, premarital counseling, and teaching marriage enrichment courses.

Cowboy: After being defeated while seeking my third term in the Texas Legislature, our life began to take on a more normal routine. Our friends had always enjoyed a more conventional schedule of activity from the time they were first married. Serving in the legislature was very divisive to our marriage. For four years, I was in Austin more than I was in Houston with my family. But now, with me being involved in only one vocation (practicing law), we had time to be together and get involved in things together. When couples begin to work together as a team, they grow closer and more understanding of each other.

What is the biggest blessing of marriage for you personally?

Cowboy: We have become like two "peas in a pod". My wife is my best friend and cheerleader. She has never criticized me or put me down since we have been married. On the other hand, she has had several observations of how I could do things differently. She finds a later time to address them rather than at the time of my mistake. And even then, she is careful to point out something I have done, rather than attack me personally.

Bets: I am married to my "bestest" friend and soul mate! Our life is full of laughter and absolute joy. We are on the same page.....emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually. After fifty years of married life, we are closer and happier than we have ever been, and are still learning and growing.

Cowboy: Today, we communicate openly. There is nothing that we do not share together. This is the greatest blessing that a man could ever hope for. When God gave me Bets, He gave me the grand prize. My wife is very positively oriented and seldom looks at the negative side of things.

What do you think is the greatest key to a successful married life together?

Bets: A couples' ability to communicate with openness and honesty with God and one another. Communication is to marriage as blood is to life. Whenever blood stops flowing, the body dies. Whenever communication stops flowing, the marriage dies!

Cowboy: For a marriage to succeed, it takes hard work by both parties. The key is for the husband to do whatever he can do to be his wife's cheerleader. To listen to whatever she has to say and be ready to help her achieve the goals she has set. When I maintain a positive attitude about everything my wife is about, the benefits come back to me many fold. It's a giver's gain. The more I give to my bride, the more she eagerly gives back to me. When God created marriage, He made communication the foundation of that relationship--to know and understand each other. It is so important that we communicate with our whole heart and mind with our spouse. When we do, it fills up your spouse's cup--and God is watching. If you succeed at this, you get a "box seat" in Heaven.

The conclusion of this excellent interview will be in the next post. Thanks again, Cowboy and Bets!

Marriage Mentors of Marriage Encouragers

We believe that everyone needs caring mentors and good role models in their lives. We are so very blessed that Cletus ("Cowboy") and Bets Davis are one of those special kind of couples for us. They are dynamic people who have been mentoring couples for many years now and they have been directly inspirational in their support of our efforts to encourage marriages. At the end of next month, Cowboy & Bets will celebrate 50 years of marriage together. Here is the first portion of a recent interview that we had with them about their lifelong relationship and selfless ministry:

So how long have you two been together in marital bliss? And has it all been blissful?
Bets: We've been married for 50 wonderful years, August 31, 2007! But I think the term "marital bliss" is an oxymoron. It is also a myth! The real world of marriage has joys and sorrows, passion and pain. I've heard it said that marriage math is "one sinner plus one sinner equals double trouble under one roof!"
Cowboy: Has it all been blissful? It was blissful for me in the beginning but probably not as blissful for Bets. I was eager to be married to my dream of a lifetime! When we were first married, I was working in Lafayette, Louisiana as a geologist. Imagine, moving my new bride a thousand miles away from family and friends to Cajun Country where she had a new name, no friends, and did not know a soul, other than her husband. As a result, she was relegated to stay at home until she found employment, while I went off to work. I simply picked up where I left off as soon as I returned from our wedding trip--back to my office surrounded by friends and fellow workers. So in the beginning, it was bliss for me but a major adjustment for my bride!

What motivated you to get married?
Cowboy: I had met the girl of my dreams! Bets had all the qualities and attributes I had ever hoped for in a wife. I was so in love that I wanted to marry her on our first date! In fact, I told her that I loved her on that date and it scared me to death. I was moving too fast and realized that I might scare her away or she would think I was a phony! So, I never again told her how much I loved her until about the time we became engaged.
Bets: We were "in love"! Cowboy Davis had all the qualities that I was looking for in a lifetime mate.....gentleness, kindness, great sense of humor, intelligence, and ambition....and most importantly, a man who loved God.
Cowboy: While we were dating, on her 21st birthday, Bets was visiting me and my family in Houston. This was critical because she now saw who I really was and where I came from. She and I went to Hermann Park where I told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life making her happy. I was proposing marriage to her and it went right over her head. Even though my proposal was indirect, I had hoped she would think it was more than just a nice thought!

What were your early expectations?
Bets: I truly believed that our lives would be like June and Ward Cleaver's! Cowboy was my romantic knight in shining armor! Roles were clearly defined in my mind. I was certain that Cowboy would do all those things that husbands did, and I would do what wives did. Ha! We never talked about our disappointments in the expectations of rules and roles we had in our minds for one another.
Cowboy: Also, we had never discussed our religious beliefs before we were married. I assumed Bets was Christian because she had been to an Easter sunrise service with me. She went with me because this was the earliest she had ever had a date! Wow, we were very spiritually naive and didn't know it. Knowing Jesus Christ personally and understanding what that means was not even in our thinking. We joined the First Presbyterian church of Lafayette because it looked like a New England church, had a steeple, and was made of red brick.
My expectations of marriage were minimal. I had no idea what marriage was supposed to be except from what I saw in the movies and what I learned from my parents. Early on, we had already exceeded the example that I had seen at home growing up. Bets and I loved each other and, up to this point, had never had an argument. Boy, did I have a lot to learn!

What were the biggest surprises you encountered regarding marriage in your early years?
Cowboy: My biggest surprise was to find out that Bets was not as happy as I was about being married. Here I was on "cloud nine"--meanwhile, she was struggling to adjust to a man who was new in her life, a new town, a new name and meeting all kinds of new people. She was confronting a life filled with big changes.
Bets: The biggest surprise was actually seeing more clearly the great differences in our backgrounds and personalities. We were two independent persons forming a way of life together and learning to adjust to each other's ways was a challenge.
Cowboy: During the first few years, we were both learning to be sensitive to each other. We were learning how to communicate and how to resolve conflict. And then....along came our first child!

This interview will continue in a later post. Thanks to Cowboy and Bets for the first portion of their fascinating and genuinely real story behind their lifelong marriage.

Put Down The Timer

I (Brett) remember when instant oatmeal was first introduced (1966). Several of us in our family were big oatmeal eaters so that was big news for us! Wow...what a timesaver this new concept would be. Suddenly, we had a reasonable hot breakfast alternative, timewise, to consider for hectic school mornings. We were no longer limited to cold cereal and the three-minute egg.

Today everything is instant--coffee, fast food, ATM machines, internet information.....we even have instant tanning! This has fostered somewhat of a spoiled attitude for a lot of us. Put simply, we want what we want....and we want it now! Unfortunately, marriage most certainly does not work like that. In fact, a loving relationship couldn't be more opposite in nature. A successful marriage demands that you develop a lifestyle of patience and grace--which, actually, is quite a good thing. We could all use more practice in developing those traits of humility. And most likely, our daily lifestyles are not conducive to the learned art of slow and deliberate patience.

Anytime you have two people living in the same household, you are undoubtedly going to have irritations. More specifically, there will be daily situations where you can't expect instant gratification. Again I will repeat: In marriage there are daily situations where you can't expect instant gratification. In fact, just the mere art of learning to share the same bathroom or kitchen can take some couples a lifetime to learn--but, you know, that's part of the intriguing journey that lifelong couples enjoy together. So chill out!

My suggestion is to enjoy the roller-coaster ride together--that is, life's exciting ride of ups and downs. Day-to-day irritations and delays may currently stress you out....but, to be honest, that's your choice to respond in that way. A better plan than drowning in stress would be to pray for patience. Remember, patience is a gift of the Spirit. Since God's gifts are always outstanding and fulfilling, that means that gifts of the Spirit are always worth asking for. (See Galatians 5:22-23 for some other satisfying gifts!)

Mark my words, God will give patience to you when you ask for it....a little at a time, of course. If you're willing to hang in there and wait for the "good stuff" with your spouse, pray....it will come. It may not arrive in exactly the way you think it should.....or even when you think it should. But it will come. After all, there is no one that keeps promises better than the Lord.

So put your timer aside. I speak from hard-earned experience on this one.