Be Aware of The Affair

According to the Journal of Psychology and Christianity, as many as 65 percent of men and 55 percent of women will have an extramarital affair by the time they are forty. That is an overwhelming statistic and one that could have drastic ramifications on our society. However, we believe there are proactive steps you can take to avoid being part of those statistics. One of the most helpful things is to be on guard against danger traps of affairs--for instance, being informed about the potential pitfalls.

In Dave Carder's and Duncan Jaenicke's book, Torn Asunder: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs (Moody), Carder reports that adultery and divorce rates in the evangelical population are nearly the same as the general population in America. In other words, being a Christian does not lessen our chances of having an affair. Any student of the life of King David will agree with that fact.

In an interview with Cindy Crosby of Marriage Partnership magazine, Dave Carder talked about the three types of affairs. The "Class One" affair is what Carder calls the one-night stand--no lasting connection. He further describes the "Class Two" affair as a love relationship that starts as a friendship and it grows primarily because of a deficit in the marriage. These relationships typically have a powerful emotional connection that involve some type of shared orientation. Finally, the "Class Three" affair is one that involves sexual addiction.

Carder further states that the fastest growing rate of infidelity is among young married women. Many of those have suffered some type of sexual abuse in the past. Others are the adult children of divorce. In either of these cases, the expectations for their own marriage is that it will make up this deficit that comes from their family of origin. In addition, "intimacy deficits" may exist as well from childhood--perhaps from a lack of touching, hugging, affirmation or affection. All of us have deficits. For this reason, it can be very important to be aware of which ones you have.

Emotional affairs can be just as dangerous to a marriage. They can be between two people who merely just share their feelings for each other. But they can be supercharged with emotion. The sound of his or her voice, the writing style in a note or email--they can all be heavily loaded. These affairs are also easily rationalized. Carder says that if confronted, people in emotional affairs will insist they've done nothing wrong. But these individuals rob their marriages of emotional energy. They will save topics of conversation for the person in the emotional affair, rather than share them with their spouse. These are often the hardest affairs to recover from, because there is no guilt.

Secret affairs are potentially devastating to a relationship--but they can be overcome. Don't be discouraged! Many, many marriages recover from affairs and become stronger, more loving relationships than ever before. Prayer, humility, patience, and a strong faith can all be extremely helpful qualities for recovery. A good Christian therapist, counselor or a pastor can be particularly helpful with guidance and accountability to help the recovery process stay on track. Home Encouragement is available to point the direction toward several resources. If you need assistance in this area, please feel free to contact us at thehursts@homeencouragement.org.

The Cost of the Breakdown of the Family

In recent years, many Americans have figured out that the disintegration of families impacts children significantly. But according to a new study released last month, divorce and unwed parenting also cost U.S. taxpayers at least $112 billion annually. Furthermore, in an article written by Devon Williams, associate editor of CitizenLink, it is stated that the same study cites that national, state and local costs--over $1 trillion over the last decade--are caused, in part by high poverty rates of single, female-headed households, which lead to higher spending on welfare, criminal justice and education programs.

David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values, which is associated with the study, said that reducing family fragmentation rates by just 1 percent would save taxpayers $1.1 billion.

"This study documents for the first time that divorce and unwed childbearing--besides being bad for children--are also costing taxpayers a ton of money", Blankenhorn said.

Randy Hicks, president of the Georgia Family Council, stated that these figures represent real people and real suffering.

"Both economic and human costs make family fragmentation a legitimate public concern," Hicks said. "And while we'll never eliminate divorce and unwed childbearing entirely, we can certainly be doing more to help marriages and families succeed."

It's apparent from these reports that an investment in healthy marriages and strong families is an investment in the future of more economically sound communities. It's also evident that it's going to take a united and concerted effort from each of us to reverse this trend--with God's help, of course.

Marriage Mentoring

The following is an interview with David and Sue Harkins, our "partners in crime" in a marriage mentoring ministry that we recently set up together at our church, Memorial Drive Presbyterian Church in Houston. The Harkins have been married fifteen years and have three elementary school children. They are great friends of ours, a lot of fun, and they share our commitment to helping marriages grow stronger through couple-to-couple connections. Here is our exchange:

What does marriage mentoring mean to you?

To us, marriage mentoring is when we come alongside another married couple and get to know them on a more intimate basis. That process may include walking with that couple through a troubled time, perhaps assisting them through a challenge that we've already experienced before, encouraging them, or even just simply listening to what is going on in their marriage relationship. The hope is to show that other couple that they are not alone in their issues--others have been there and survived! The focus on marriage and making the relationship better benefits both married couples. In fact, just meeting on a regular basis keeps both marriages on the "front burner".

Why were the two of you drawn to marriage mentoring?

We've been married for 15 years, and the early years of our marriage were rocky! We were on separate paths, we did not communicate our concerns to each other, and we certainly had not placed God at the center of our relationship. However, thanks to God, we worked through some major issues during those first few years, and gained a trust and communication level that we had not had in our marriage before. We discussed and reflected on our own challenges and understood them to be gifts that could be shared to help other marriages survive and thrive. Marriage is hard work, and we realize that the more attention we give it, the better it is!

What do you hope to see as a result of couples getting together like this?

Well, certainly stronger marriages and families--and, over time, a lowering of the divorce rate and the consequences that go with that separation. We hope that couples will realize that there is hope in any situation, and with God all things are possible! We hope that couples won't settle for just a "good" marriage, but will strive for a "great" marriage!

What's the difference between this and marriage counseling?

Marriage mentors are not usually licensed counselors; they are, however, listening ears with a love for God and a love for the institution of marriage. Marriage mentors will listen, and give advice and encouragement where appropriate. But for those critical issues, a counselor will be referred.

What do couples need to do if they are interested in being mentored?

It's as easy as 1-2-3! 1. Contact us by either phone or email. 2. Complete the mentee application. 3. Pray for God to match you with the appropriate mentor couple.

How often do couples need to meet?

It is really up to the mentoring and mentee couples. There are no requirements. However, a suggested timetable would be to visit as much as once a month to perhaps once a quarter, depending on the issues, needs and relationships. Our hope is that the couples will meet on a regular basis for at least one year.

What has helped your own marriage stay strong?

Our marriage has stayed strong mainly through commitment. Commitment to each other through good times and bad. Commitment to learn and share on a continual basis on a variety of marriage topics. Commitment to keeping Christ in our marriage and to always seek what God wants for us in this special life partnership He has given us.

For more information on marriage mentoring at MDPC, contact the Harkins at dsharkins@sbcglobal.net or the Hursts at thehursts@homeencouragement.org . You may also contact Brett Hurst at MDPC at 713-490-0930.