Stressor Convergence

Quite often, it seems, life can throw us a truckload of stressors all at once. Those difficult situations can be one major tragedy after another....or they can be a bombardment of small annoyances. Sometimes the result can be the same as far as our sanity is concerned. Even a temporarily troubled life inundated with constant pressures can be overwhelming....as well as potentially lethal for marriages and family relationships.

So what to do when you are in a state of stressor convergence? I suggest three simple and universal steps:

1. Pray, pray, pray. If you're already a person of prayer, pray three times as often as usual! God is the source of all wisdom and resources. Why would you not look to Him for help?

2. Lean heavily on family and friends. God has given us these support systems for a reason. Learn to open up to those that love you--so they can help and pray for you, too. Family and friends should be counted on for encouragement and to help you maintain some sense of normalcy through tough times. Remember, it's okay to be in need some times in your life.

3. Do the best you can. In other words, cut yourself some slack. Nobody skates through life perfectly--and there are often so many things that can come your way that are beyond your control. Only one man in history lived a perfect life. For the rest of us, the best you can do is the best you can do. Don't kick yourself about not being able to do more than that. After all, it's impossible to do more than your best.

Tough times don't last forever. Always remember that. And also be reminded when things are good for you and your family, they are often rough for someone else. If you're enjoying some smooth sailing, reach out and help someone who is navigating harsh waters. They will never forget your kindness.

A Great Playlist

When I was a kid, growing up in Beaumont, Texas, I slept with the radio on all night. And it was always tuned into the dominant top 40 station in the Golden Triangle, KAYC 1450 AM--an excellent station at the time. I was so fortunate as a kid. This was during the period of radio that I think was the richest of all: 1969-1976 (pre-disco). Decades before the era of the Ipod, you could turn on KAYC at any time, day or night, and hear the most diverse playlist. In those days, you could hear (on a Top 40 station, mind you) a Santana song, then Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young, then Aretha Franklin, then Charlie Rich, then Led Zeppelin, then The Supremes, then Clapton, then James Taylor, then maybe an old early Beatles song--and this could happen all in the same hour! It was phenomenal.

During this golden age of pop music, the rule nationwide for Top 40 was that a song had to be a great song--it didn't matter at all what style it was--as long as it resonated with the American public. Every week I couldn't wait to listen to Casey Kasem's American Top 40 to see what new cool tunes and styles were coming out. Back in those great days, virtually all the songs that made that list were at least pretty good songs. Most of them were excellent. And there was so much variety of style. It kept radio so interesting.

Radio stinks now. Sorry. Everything's sterilized, homogenized and pasteurized--and it all sounds the same. Thanks to the suits in the music business (emphasis) there will never again be the kind of free market for good songs like there were back in the day. No one wants to take those risks anymore--at least as far as radio goes. That's why I'm strictly an Ipod guy now.

Variety is the spice of life. In marriage, this is no exception. Over the course of a lifelong relationship, a few surprises are vital to the health of a flourishing relationship. Create a variety of exciting experiences for the one you love that are out of the ordinary. It's so easy to fall into predictable and dull routines, even in happy marriages--and then wonder what's going on elsewhere. That can be dangerous.

Don't let your marriage go the way of the glory days of Top 40 radio. Instead, protect it. Nurture that variety. Try something different together. Drive somewhere new for a change. Go for some surprises. Keep your spouse guessing about what super nice thing you might do next for them. Keep them guessing. If you do, your marriage is bound to be a big hit. It might even go to number one.

After The Storm

It's no secret that Houstonians and people all over the upper Texas coast have suffered some devastating effects recently from Hurricane Ike. While, at this writing, many people in the city still don't have power, many area homeowners have made some early assessments of storm damage to their property. For a lot of families, the decision to jump right into clean-up mode of their homes and property was an easy one. In fact, for many, while waiting for power to return, clearing debris and making minor repairs gave those families a needed project--something they could proactively do to get their lives back to normal.

For other folks, the devastation has been much more severe. For instance, many homes that originally existed on Bolivar Peninsula, north of Galveston, prior to the storm, no longer exist. They have been blown away completely, leaving nothing but a foundation. Obviously, the only choice those families will have is whether or not to rebuild those houses.

Over the course of time, massive storms hit marriages, too. When a big storm blows hard against a marriage, there can also be devastating results. Storms against a marriage might come in the form of job loss, an affair, a serious illness, perhaps even a death in the family. However, sometimes, even when something traumatic happens to a marriage, the damage can remain minimal. Those couples in those situations might benefit from merely tidying up a bit, maybe purging some of the debris of an unhealthy relationship. Working together, that couple can probably repair the damage themselves and become stronger as a couple in the process.

But what do you do when your house seems to be blown away completely? What happens when there seems to be nothing left of your home after a major storm? Good question. If there's a strong foundation remaining, a more dramatic decision can still be made together--whether or not to rebuild. Obviously, rebuilding a home from the ground up is a much more challenging project. But families do it all the time. Rebuilding certainly requires more work. It usually requires assistance from professionals. And rebuilding requires a long-term, big-picture approach along with a lot of patience and faith. But the benefits of rebuilding can be so worth it. The end result can be a more beautiful home that is stronger and better built than it ever was.

Caring for a loving home is a great responsibility and privilege--and it's always hard work. Hang in there to do what you can to make the most of the blessing you have been given. Be proactive to do what you can to keep your home strong and in good repair.

How To Have a Healthier Marriage

An amazing fact is that any couple that together wants to grow their marriage can take their relationship to another level. Sometimes couples want to improve their marriage themselves but don't always know how to get started. The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center has published a list of ten tips you can use to strengthen your marriage:

1. Spend Time with Each Other - Simply stated, married partners need time with each other in order to grow strong together. Plan regularly scheduled date nights and weekend activities. Forget the "quality vs. quantity time" discussion--healthy marriages need both.

2. Learn To Negotiate Conflict - Conflict is a normal part of a relationship. There is a point however when it can increase in in intensity and become emotionally and sometimes physically unsafe. There are many resources available to help you learn how to deal with conflict more effectively.

3. Show Respect for Each Other at All Times - Treating your partner as you would like to be treated will do a lot to strengthen the bond between you. Research shows that nothing can damage a relationship quicker than criticisms and put-downs. Paying your partner a compliment is a quick and easy way to show them respect.

4. Learn About Yourself First - Many partners enter into relationships without knowing enough about themselves. As a result they can also have difficulty learning about their partners. Imagine the intimacy you will share over a lifetime together if you commit to discovering new things about yourselves and each other!

5. Explore Intimacy - This does not always mean sexuality. An often forgotten aspect of intimacy is the emotional type. Learn the difference between emotional and physical intimacy and when each one is most appropriate.

6. Explore Common Interests - Doing things separately is not bad at all but common interests are important to healthy marriages. A common interest may be cooking or eating new foods together, going for walks or playing cards. The goal is to have something outside of your family that you both enjoy.

7. Create a Spiritual Connection - Growing together spiritually may the most important bond that you can create together as a couple. Learning how to pray together is a very intimate and binding experience.

8. Improve Your Communication Skills - You should never assume your partner knows what you are thinking or feeling. Tell your spouse what is going on--and as a spouse, know when to simply listen.

9. Forgive Each Other - If he or she hasn't already, your partner is going to do something that hurts, frustrates or upsets you. Guess what, you are going to do the same thing! Try to allow your partner some room to make a few mistakes. When you make a mistake, act quickly to apologize and fix problems.

10. Look for the Best in Each Other - When you met your partner, you fell in love with some of his or her wonderful qualities. Over time your view of those qualities may have changed. Create a list of all the things you love about your partner. It will help you to fall in love all over again!

David Jones, a Certified Family Life Educator and author of a variety of relationship tools for fathers, contributed to this tip sheet. These tips are designed to assist couples in improving their relationships; however, they are not meant to be a substitute for professional help and advice.

The Marriage-Centric Family

(from Kellie) When speaking of traditional nuclear families, the family literally begins with the relationship between a husband and wife. After the first child comes along, it's easy for this man and woman (now parents) to turn all of their attention and energy toward the rearing of their precious little one. The marriage relationship begins to be less of a priority, getting placed on the back burner. As the family grows, more time and effort are given to raising the children, and the love relationship that started the family in the first place easily loses its rank. This is what's known as a "kid-centric" family--the family that places the wants and needs of the children above the wants and needs of the marriage.

One might think this is the logical way to steer a family ... after all, we only have our kids with us for a relatively short time, then they're gone. Shouldn't we devote all we can to them? Unfortunately, it is all too common for empty nest parents to look at one another after the last child has left home and say, "Who are you?" Many husbands and wives feel they don't have the right to put themselves first occasionally by pursuing each other romantically. Dating goes by the wayside, and usually intimacy and even friendship follow. Couples end up feeling like roommates who love their children.

I don't think this is what God has in mind for marriage. I believe children feel most secure when they see their parents loving one another, prioritizing their love relationship. A happy marriage is one of the richest gifts we can give our children. It gives them a sense of strength to know they can rely on their parents' marriage, especially in a culture where divorce is so common. This is what's known as a "marriage-centric" family. Rather than the kids being the hub of the wheel, it's now Mom and Dad. After all, the relationship that got the family started in the first place will hopefully be the relationship that continues long after the kids have grown and have gone off and started their own families. What good would it do to raise wonderful children, and lose our marriage along the way?

Getting the Right Perspective

Kellie and I are in contact all the time with hurting couples. It's a wonderful privilege to serve in this way, although often a very difficult one. We so want couples to have relief from their suffering.

It's important to note that, often times, how a couple or even just an individual views their painful circumstances can be the dominant source of their depression, anger or anxiety. That's why it's so important for hurting spouses to get the right perspective about their situation. This is particularly helpful when a pain is something that temporarily or permanently can't be fixed--or a loss that won't go away.

One of my late father's favorite verses was Romans 12:2 where Paul said, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--His, good, pleasing and perfect will."

This whole business about being transformed by the renewing of your mind is critical. To be honest, in the world of loss and crisis, it can be very difficult to see things clearly. Often in these situations, we tend to default to a deep-rooted worldly pattern of how we might have approached life in the past, particularly under pressure. And in many of those cases, our mindset is focused on us--our need and/or excruciating pain in the situation. And being engulfed by that focus can crush our spirit.

But the Word of God can give us unprecedented courage in the midst of hard times. My teenage son particularly likes to read the "faith chapter" of the Bible, the eleventh chapter of the book of Hebrews. In that passage are story after story of how heroes responded with a fresh injection of courage from God--all from being renewed by a perspective from heaven.

If you're currently in what seems like a hopeless situation, God knows all about it. And the Scriptures are clear that He most definitely does not desire calamity for you. It's so important to have confidence in God's faithfulness, His power and His sovereignty. In God's grand global economy, what seems hopeless to us is just an opportunity for the Lord to do the unthinkable--and all because He loves us.

Step back from your situation for a few minutes and catch your breath. Now, surrender control and allow God to take total direction in your situation. His way is always going to be the most compassionate and most effective solution. Spend time in the promises of God's unchanging Word (if you don't have a collection of Bible promises, you can easily obtain one at your local bookstore--that's a very handy thing to have near you).

I can promise you, trusting the Lord and renewing your perspective on your situation is the best move you could ever make--for you, for your marriage, and for the future of your family. Let Him steer the ship and see what happens.

Why Marriage Matters

According to the Administration for Children and Families, Health and Human Services, Washington D.C., (and several other sources), there are multiple reasons why healthy marriages increase social health. Here are some of the primary advantages: Statistically, married couples have better overall physical health and mental health--which only increases with happy marriages. Married couples suffer less injuries, less illness, and less disability. They typically live longer, and have children who are physically healthier, as well as are more emotionally stable. With marriage also comes a lower infant mortality rate, a lower rate of child abuse, and lower rates of STDs.

Whew! That's quite a list of incentives for marriage, in general. And, again, healthier marriages just increase all of those statistics further. But for couples to have healthier marriages, it requires intentionality and prioritization within that marriage--to make the marriage stronger, better. Kellie and I recommend that couples become students of marriage. Read at least one good book on marriage enrichment each year. Attend a retreat or pro-marriage weekend once annually. Take a few minutes to take a good online relationship inventory each year--maybe around your wedding anniversary. And make sure that you are still dating, playing, and having fun with each other--muy importante!!

If you have any questions or comments about any of these suggestions and want more details or information, please contact us at thehursts@homeencouragement.org . We'd be glad to help you and your spouse move forward with a more intentional (and more satisfying) marriage. That's why we're here.