Your Marriage Report Card

One of the reasons Brett and I had such a passion to get involved in marriage ministry was because of the overwhelming number of people we personally knew who were getting divorced. For years we've been aware of the unbelievably high divorce rate among Americans, but it wasn't until recent years that we began to take interest in how a marriage begins to break down. After much thought and research, we've determined that every marriage rests in one of three categories ... we call them "The 3 C's".

Always and Never

In the heat of heavy disagreements in marriage, there are two common words that can be very destructive between couples: "always" and "never":

"You always spend more money than we have!"
"You never put my needs first!"
"He's always criticizing everything I do!"
"She never has time for me anymore!"

Using these words can be like launching flares to escalate unnecessary conflict in what can be a productive conversation. Somehow, by God's grace, Kellie and I learned fairly early in our marriage that using the words "always" and "never" in this context was not fair or loving. For one thing, we realized that it's usually not accurate to employ those words in conflict (after all, couples do often tend to exaggerate when hurt). We discovered it was usually better to use more realistic assessments like "sometimes", "occasionally" or "once in a while". Beyond that, it was even more helpful to take the accusatory sting out of those statements by putting them in first person. You can do this by saying "I feel":

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not an important priority when I'm ignored at breakfast."
"Once in a while I feel hurt when you forget to call to let me know you're coming home late."

The more often that spouses can consciously avoid extreme statements of blame, the better the chance of the area of conflict being worked out quickly. And then that keeps those points of contention from growing into full-blown contempt. It's a wise spouse that acts as an agent of grace whenever possible--even when you believe you have been wronged. Direct communication that is respectful and truthful will go a long way towards healing--versus more and more hurtful accusations.

If this has been a habitual style of communication in your marriage for many years, it will take some practice to reverse the trend. But take the initiative and the personal responsibility to go in a softer direction. Eventually, you will start moving more and more towards each other, which will usually lead towards more connection and less contention.

In The Eye of The Whirlwind of Parenting

Kellie and I are so extremely fortunate--we have two wonderful kids. The oldest is a veteran teenager. The youngest is just months away from his teen years. Our lives have been thoroughly blessed and enriched by them. Kellie and I often comment to each other that every new stage of parenting ends up becoming our very favorite stage of life. Honestly, all the different levels of parenting for us have also had their share of challenges, but, nevertheless, they have each been deeply rewarding and satisfying. We wouldn't change a thing.

That doesn't mean that we don't have any melodrama in our house. Au contraire! Our kids, like us, live very active lives. They are both heavily involved in so many things: academics, school leadership, athletics, church youth group activites--and they are both musicians. That's a whole lot to juggle. The tyrrany of the urgent is always lurking right outside our door. In addition to all of that, both of our kids still like being with their parents (usually) and so they both demand a lot of our time and focus....as it should be.

However, we have two foundations in our family that keep things in a livable perspective for us. Deep in the eye of all this whirlwind of activity, there are two anchors. The first one is that the foundation of our family is, without question, our relationship with Christ. We could lose everything we have, but we would always have that unbreakable bond with the Lord. That is the truth for all four of us individually. There is no greater comfort in life. That reality gives us a lot of ballast in our family and keeps us sane.

The second foundation of our family is that we try to keep our family marriage-centric. In other words, the marriage of the parents of these kids is the most important relationship in the family. As the married relationship of Mom and Dad goes, the rest of the family goes. That means that even though our kids are everything to us, they come just behind the priority of our marriage. Over time, I think our children have come to see the importance of this prioritization.

There are so many reasons to put the marriage first in a family. First of all, Kellie and I are (presumably) the adults in this family setup. And if our lives are not anchored, if our marriage tank is not full, then the whole family starts drifting into the cosmos. In our family, our value of a loving marriage at the top of the chain keeps our family structure from spinning out of control. In general, kids are not likely to just naturally be organized and responsible. They have to learn that from watching someone. In our family, we can't possibly have structure in our group unless our marriage is on track. Note: We're not always successful in keeping things on track, but that is our day-to-day goal.

Another reason is to, hopefully, model a healthy relationship for our kids--who will each one day be in their own dating and marriage relationships. We have the opportunity to show our children (who will be adults before we know it) what a loving relationship can be like. We have the best chance of anybody to impact our daughter and son towards dating and marriage health. Note: We're not always successful in modeling what a loving relationship can be like, but that is our day-to-day goal!

Finally, the health of their parents' marriage keeps our kids secure. The combination of that fact and their own relationship with Christ both give our kids the confidence to take risks and to venture out into the world to do their thing. They are a lot less prone to fear because of the security they have in their parents' marriage. So, needless to say, Kellie and I have a lot of extra incentive to enjoy a loving marriage....as if there wasn't enough incentive in the first place!

Our marriage is far from perfect. But it is healthy. Our family is far from perfect. But it is healthy. God gets all the credit. We've probably inadvertently done everything we can along the way to throw a wrench in the big picture with various schemes, fits, diversions and distractions. But with the Lord and a overall philosophy of a strong marriage at the eye of the hurricane, even we can't mess this thing up!

The Case For Christian Counseling

Sometimes in life, and particularly in marriage, it becomes apparent that we need a little extra help to get us through difficult stages of emotional struggle. There is certainly no shame at all in that. In that vein, we believe Christian counseling is a very important tool for any family in any important transition in life--or even when, from time to time, a person (or a marriage) just feels a little bit "stuck". Why Christian counseling? It's pretty simple. When receiving advice, people naturally want and need wisdom. Otherwise, what's the point of getting that counsel? And if that counselor, by God's grace, is coming from a biblical perspective, then there is a much better chance of figuring out the right path in which to go. You potentially won't waste as much time wandering in the desert.

We feel that there are many natural times in life to seek the skills of a professional, whether it's a pastor, a licensed professional counselor, or a psychologist. In addition, if your doctor feels that you are having a medical issue that is affecting you emotionally or mentally, he or she may recommend you seeing a psychiatrist. Again, there is no needed stigma or fear in that. A psychiatrist is simply a medical doctor who may prescribe medication if that is specifically needed (Still, we would recommend finding a Christian psychiatrist, if you need to go in that direction--someone who understands matters of the mind and heart and not just clinical approaches). At any rate, sometimes it can be a great relief to find out that you've been struggling with something minor physically and all you needed was a simple solution.

The bottom line here is don't suffer in silence. Get help when you need help. Have people in your life that are skilled in assisting you move forward when you need them. You and your family will benefit from realizing that we all have difficult periods in life. Fortunately, God has gifted many different types of helpers to give us the relief we need from time to time.

Date Night Haven

Right around the corner from our house is a little Italian restaurant. We can walk to it if we like. The beauty of it is that the food is excellent, the atmosphere is perfect, it's very close....and it's our little place, our haven away from the pressures of life. There have been countless times that I have been driving on my way home and I'll call Kellie, talk to her for just a second, and immediately I can feel the stress in her voice. Whenever I can, I'll ask, "Date night?" and she'll almost always answer loudly, "Yes!" We agree to meet at "our place". And then for the next 1-2 hours, we are in our own romantic spot, our little Italian restaurant, connecting in a way that's not always possible at home. For a few moments, we're free from work pressures, family pressures, and our intense schedule. It's a quick paradise of calm.

Find a place near your home that is your place--your date haven. It doesn't have to be the fanciest joint in town. In fact, my suggestion is to find a conveniently located restaurant to call your own where the food is good, the atmosphere is romantic enough, but where it's also okay not to dress up everytime. Honestly, there are so many times where Kellie and I don't have time to prepare ourselves and look nice. We don't care about that. In fact, sometimes we go to "our place" after one of our kid's events--even a ballgame. No time to get pretty. Just barely time enough to get away. But that's okay. The time together becomes a little oasis in the middle of lots of chaos. Here's hoping you can find yourselves such a place.

It's a Tough Job, But Somebody's Got To Do It!

Most of us don't go into our marriage experience doing a whole lot of talking about our sex knowledge (or lack of knowledge). That's unfortunate because healthy discussion in this area can go a long way towards a more complete and satisfying marriage. Jim Burns says that many of the more common reasons for a lack of satisfaction in sex matters have really nothing to do with age, marital status or physical fitness. Just like any other component of marriage, physical intimacy can either be only a functional part of the relationship or it can be a deeply meaningful form of expression. This difference is in how much work a couple is willing to do together.

Dr. Cliff Penner and his wife, Joyce, are sex therapists who have written many books on sex education and sexual enhancement for married couples. Here are some of their suggestions:

-Remember that our sexuality is a gift from God--embrace the gift!

-Sexual pleasure within marriage is encouraged--don't ignore the problems. Make sex a priority in your marriage.

-Keep "mutuality" as the central force of your "sexuality"--we are expected to give ourselves to each other in marriage. Husbands and wives have mutual rights and responsibilities in the area of sex.

-Do all you can to resolve "body image" problems--each spouse needs to bring a healthy self-image into the bedroom, or your sex lives will suffer.

-Get to know your own body--understanding how your body works and what uniquely influences your sex drive will definitely improve the quality of your physical intimacy together.

-Allow for "couple time" regularly--one of the best ways to get "in the mood" for sex is to simply spend a lot of time with your spouse...so make that a priority!

-Clear out distractions--the more you have on your mind, the less you'll be interested in physical intimacy with your spouse. Ruthlessly eliminate stress and distractions in your home.

-Have fun!--Sex was created by God for the enjoyment of a man and woman in marriage. Enjoy it!

A good place to go for more information about sexual issues in marriage is the website of Clifford and Joyce Penner and Associates: www.passionatecommitment.com

Be Fun To Be Around!

When you were single and dating, it's probable that you spent at least a fair amount of effort towards being likable--in other words, wanting to be liked. After all, most people desire to be chosen by someone else as a good friend or as a dating companion. So why stop all that merriment just because you got married? That's no fun at all! I hate to be blunt, but it's a shame that so many spouses are simply not enjoyable to be around--and that's a problem that you can take responsibility for. Frankly, it's not good for society when we are generating unlikable people. Do your part. Be likable!

Most people don't want to stay in long-term friendships with people who are full of negative energy. It's a drain to be with someone who's critical, or unhappy, or bored. Do what you can to make your permanent lifelong relationship a fun one! It will make the ride go better, I can assure you. If you need help with this subject, let us know. Lighten up, get loose, be free. Spend some time reading the book of Philippians in the New Testament (small book; four short chapters). Or invest some time into helping someone else. That's about the best remedy I know for getting out of a self-centered negative mindset.

If there are stressors or factors in your life that are keeping you from having fun in your life, take time to talk those things out with a counselor or a pastor. Or it might even be a good idea to see your doctor for a checkup. But do what you can to be a positive person. Try your best to be someone that your spouse would choose as a good friend....if you're not that person already! Be kind, be spontaneous, be adventurous, be fun to be with. Do you remember how excited you would get as a kid waiting for your best friend to come over to spend the night? How much more fun is it when that best friend is your spouse! Make your time spent together worthwhile and enjoy one another.